Risks vs Rewards Understanding where disorder begins and making good healthy decisions
Risks are part of everyday. One will walk to and from their residence. We drive in cars, fly in planes, go do our jobs. There are risks in everyday situations. I think where I got stuck was within myself and my perception of the world around me. I had this innate fear of not being able to connect or enjoy the world. I was wrapped up in minor mental hang ups because of perception.
I would often deflect, or get guidance to situations, and what I would get back would be the same theme, that if I want it bad enough I have to go through a lot to get there. The experience, the trials, etc. Once again the theme is perception, which can be a real pain to get around with a mood disorder.
But I would often nitpick the hell out of systems, jobs, people, locations, and the such. I would drive myself crazy thinking about aspects I couldn't control. I would spend countless hours alone, debating, deconstructing, and rebuilding systems. I can tell you it was a lot of wasted energy. But it taught me something very crucial about myself. I have the natural ability to be critical, and to analyze what is going on around me.
I had to learn how to channel this into a constructive way. To take risks on educated understanding, that the knowledge I have is valuable to my growth, and to where I am going. My journey isn't about avoidance, its about taking what I have learned, and gaining insight, and clarity to my overal view and understanding of the world I make.
Rewards have often been a non issue. Perhaps it is because I elected to keep striving, to not rest on anything. To make and endure on so I could see where I was going into further down the road. I am not an island, but there are moments where I do feel this way. That choices, and my overt critical thinking does me no good on quick decisions. But I am not an impulsive person. Kind of a declaration of a direct contradiction right there.
Risks are something that we all do without even knowing. Since our system depends on us keeping the ecosystem going i.e. grocery store, bus stops, insurance, diets, exercise, entertainment, you get the idea. Part of understanding risk is confidence. One has to have confidence in their self to be able to accept without remorse the reactions. We are accountable to movements and the things we say. That right there scared me.
I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could be confident with risks. I would try in vain to do tasks that I thought were important, but I would often be reminded of the strong undercurrent I was swimming against. A lot of my traction has been with a lot of failures. As I've spoken in another post, failures teach us something about our mood disorders, and that is truth.
Perception is often a very cruel mistress because she will taught me with ideas, and lofty schemes, but when I start out on the path something invariably goes awry. I then have to double back and start over because I missed something or I didn't do enough research. See what this does? It can literally drive a person to breaking. The false start/stop aspect was my life for twenty years.
I wasn't afraid to take risks, in fact I take risks, its a lot more clearer now, but then youth and mental disorders tend to conspire against a person with lofty expectations and dreams of a better life. Otherwise, what I am saying here is that it takes time. Risks are part of life. We all have learned at an early age the importance of picking our spots wisely, and maneuvering with that knowledge. Thanks for reading.
B.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Strengths and Positives - Inner Truths and Bipolar
Strengths and Positives Inner Truths and Bipolar
Personal power and self worth are hallmarks to maintaining balance, strength, individualism, and inner truth. Daily events will tax, stretch our sanity, and push our emotions to a point of splintering. The one key component is to understand with mood disorders the strength must come from within, with help from family.
I have often remissed numerous times on chances, and opportunities that have flown below the radar. I would have to stretch, pull, and pluck to grab something attainable. For some time I would feel worthless, insecure, and unsure of my motivations because situations would not pan out. But I would try again, and again like a stubborn persistent man only to realize later it wasn't meant for me.
I stopped planning on anything and tried to exist. Exist in a vacuum that was a protective sheath from people, criticisms, and holed myself into inner isolation. Humans need social interaction, being an isolationist whom needs to control ones environment can create friction with the self. Once I figured out that being alone all the time does not gain much but bitterness, anger, and emptiness.
Along in my journey of self discovery, exploration, one of the most uncharacteristic aspects I ever did was do damage to myself. It is a weird motif to witness ones own breakdown, but I hit a lowest point ever in my life, all I had was things, acquaintanceship, but little to remark on with experience. I also chose a very negative relationship that would be my catharsis for change.
I had to rebuild, take each day as it's own thing. Planning on small goals. Rebuild upon my self worth, and keys of inner strength. My character took a double negative impact, people who knew me didn't know the real me, and this ended up being a judgement against my character. When this befalls a person this very situation announced a clear truth to me, I realized I was alone.
I had sought validation, and acceptance with situations and people whom did not have my best interests in mind. I also learned that in order to succeed at something I believe in, I have to go at it alone. There is nothing wrong with having a viewpoint that does not gel with the status quo, in fact I find that to be my most admirable quality. I stick to my own guidance when it comes to fads, and the such.
All of my strength is in my strict sense of personal control. I weigh constantly the pros and cons. I research before I embark. These tools and skills I have gained in my life are put towards my future. I don't walk with tepidness, I walk with a purpose and intrepidity. Sometimes I can be inflexible on certain aspects because I know my limitations. I don't go outside of my limits, because I know what will happen.
I've spent years engrossed in a personal project that gave me insight into my predilections, I feel I am hungry for learning, open to traveling, and marveling at the human spirit. I've chosen to look at the positives rather than deconstruct because for a long time that was all I did.
No matter, one with bipolar and any other mood disorder the key thing is to remember that you must not get despondent. Life gives us many things to learn and challenge ourselves with. I couldn't be who I am without the lessons, and missteps in my journey. It has taken me awhile to accept that this is the norm, and I have to work within my limitations. Its not a weakness but guidance to where I am going.
So take some time to really look at your life, patterns, and the surroundings you've been accustomed to, look long and deeply about the point and where you are. I treat this as looking into the well of the deep self. Truth lay in not so mysterious places, and that there is a strength I've harnessed. Thanks for reading.
B.
Personal power and self worth are hallmarks to maintaining balance, strength, individualism, and inner truth. Daily events will tax, stretch our sanity, and push our emotions to a point of splintering. The one key component is to understand with mood disorders the strength must come from within, with help from family.
I have often remissed numerous times on chances, and opportunities that have flown below the radar. I would have to stretch, pull, and pluck to grab something attainable. For some time I would feel worthless, insecure, and unsure of my motivations because situations would not pan out. But I would try again, and again like a stubborn persistent man only to realize later it wasn't meant for me.
I stopped planning on anything and tried to exist. Exist in a vacuum that was a protective sheath from people, criticisms, and holed myself into inner isolation. Humans need social interaction, being an isolationist whom needs to control ones environment can create friction with the self. Once I figured out that being alone all the time does not gain much but bitterness, anger, and emptiness.
Along in my journey of self discovery, exploration, one of the most uncharacteristic aspects I ever did was do damage to myself. It is a weird motif to witness ones own breakdown, but I hit a lowest point ever in my life, all I had was things, acquaintanceship, but little to remark on with experience. I also chose a very negative relationship that would be my catharsis for change.
I had to rebuild, take each day as it's own thing. Planning on small goals. Rebuild upon my self worth, and keys of inner strength. My character took a double negative impact, people who knew me didn't know the real me, and this ended up being a judgement against my character. When this befalls a person this very situation announced a clear truth to me, I realized I was alone.
I had sought validation, and acceptance with situations and people whom did not have my best interests in mind. I also learned that in order to succeed at something I believe in, I have to go at it alone. There is nothing wrong with having a viewpoint that does not gel with the status quo, in fact I find that to be my most admirable quality. I stick to my own guidance when it comes to fads, and the such.
All of my strength is in my strict sense of personal control. I weigh constantly the pros and cons. I research before I embark. These tools and skills I have gained in my life are put towards my future. I don't walk with tepidness, I walk with a purpose and intrepidity. Sometimes I can be inflexible on certain aspects because I know my limitations. I don't go outside of my limits, because I know what will happen.
I've spent years engrossed in a personal project that gave me insight into my predilections, I feel I am hungry for learning, open to traveling, and marveling at the human spirit. I've chosen to look at the positives rather than deconstruct because for a long time that was all I did.
No matter, one with bipolar and any other mood disorder the key thing is to remember that you must not get despondent. Life gives us many things to learn and challenge ourselves with. I couldn't be who I am without the lessons, and missteps in my journey. It has taken me awhile to accept that this is the norm, and I have to work within my limitations. Its not a weakness but guidance to where I am going.
So take some time to really look at your life, patterns, and the surroundings you've been accustomed to, look long and deeply about the point and where you are. I treat this as looking into the well of the deep self. Truth lay in not so mysterious places, and that there is a strength I've harnessed. Thanks for reading.
B.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Self-Worth / Self Negativity
Self Worth / Self Negativity
Having a mental disorder gives me some creative insight and clarity. It has also provided me specifics with those experiences and to take credit for skills, and personal achievements along in my journey. One of the most difficult things I've had trouble with is taking credit for minor successes. A greater distinction with gaining successes as it teaches one about self worth. When one has a disorder this can often be an albatross to maneuver around.
Many of my trials in my journey have been markedly difficult, and when there was positive movement I tended to mitigate it, seeing only the negative side, and often ignoring personal accolades on the work I would complete.
It is true I am my own worst critic. I deal with ongoing personal issues that have carried on into my adult life. I've worked very hard to acknowledge those negative traits, and focused on treating them not as a burden, but as teachable milestones. Examples include learning to say thank you, using eye contact, being forthright, being cordial, and using self affirmations.
But sometimes things do not work out, that I often fail along the way. The thing I had to learn is that I tried my best even after failing. This has gone a lot farther than having instant successes, because I think those experiences have taught me valuable lessons about what I offer to the world. Since I haven't had the luxury of trying and failing with finding my place in the world in my youth, it just has taken me longer to figure it out.
The other aspect is that I would invariably self sabotage personal goals. I would self defeat myself before I got started, because of self doubts about my self worth, and the damages incurred by previous learned traits in my youth. I realized later that whatever I put my mind towards, I can succeed at it as long as I work on the critically smaller manageable goals to get there.
There are good days, and not so good days. It can be extremely hard not to fall back into old patterns, yet I've conquered the two things I couldn't before, and that involved not being victimized, or self sabotaging what I was doing. Sure I over think, and lament, but this is my process that allows me to get through those cascading waves.
For example, there was a job I had in the mid 90s, it was dealing with babysitting large properties, and keeping out unwanted guests. I had spent a few weeks with the company, got to know a few of the employees, and I felt genuinely okay to be there. One evening I was invited to a company meeting, and the vice president remarked I had the opportunity to go far because of my potential.
At that time I wasn't really clear on this comment. I felt like it was empty, and though he was very generous with his time, I couldn't accept the compliment. I was extremely bitter from prior issues with self worth, and the ongoing struggles with decompressing from those ingrained learned behaviors and reaction.
I sabotaged my work, time, and work ethic. I designed ways to be upset at slights, and would bring an unneeded attitude to the job. It soured those around me, I didn't trust anyone, or anybody. I was extremely judgmental, and rigid in my belief of people. I was inflexible to the point of caustic. You get the idea.
I want to make abundantly clear here, when someone gives compliments please take them with grace and humility. Then I lacked that component, and I would often remiss and wonder on my direction at that time. I'd sabotage myself because I couldn't accept graciously the compliment. I went on this bizarre journey where I would say and do inappropriate things to wreak havoc on alliances I made. A typical bipolar trait I later learned.
For each section I've embarked on, I've made unconscious decision to self sabotage, rather than accept it at face value. Even now I have to remember that age and temperament have given me some insight, and tools to accepting my worth, taking credit, and ownership of my situation with pride. But, there are days where I feel I can do better, yet this doesn't make sense, why? Because I expect a lot of myself, that I feel I should be doing something at all hours, that I have something to give but I struggle to balance this.
So, opening up a bit this is what my form of bipolar does. The waves aren't peaks and valley as much, but the thing that comes and goes is the value, and worth I have. I am very thankful to have a good support system to help me see these things. Thanks for reading.
B.
Having a mental disorder gives me some creative insight and clarity. It has also provided me specifics with those experiences and to take credit for skills, and personal achievements along in my journey. One of the most difficult things I've had trouble with is taking credit for minor successes. A greater distinction with gaining successes as it teaches one about self worth. When one has a disorder this can often be an albatross to maneuver around.
Many of my trials in my journey have been markedly difficult, and when there was positive movement I tended to mitigate it, seeing only the negative side, and often ignoring personal accolades on the work I would complete.
It is true I am my own worst critic. I deal with ongoing personal issues that have carried on into my adult life. I've worked very hard to acknowledge those negative traits, and focused on treating them not as a burden, but as teachable milestones. Examples include learning to say thank you, using eye contact, being forthright, being cordial, and using self affirmations.
But sometimes things do not work out, that I often fail along the way. The thing I had to learn is that I tried my best even after failing. This has gone a lot farther than having instant successes, because I think those experiences have taught me valuable lessons about what I offer to the world. Since I haven't had the luxury of trying and failing with finding my place in the world in my youth, it just has taken me longer to figure it out.
The other aspect is that I would invariably self sabotage personal goals. I would self defeat myself before I got started, because of self doubts about my self worth, and the damages incurred by previous learned traits in my youth. I realized later that whatever I put my mind towards, I can succeed at it as long as I work on the critically smaller manageable goals to get there.
There are good days, and not so good days. It can be extremely hard not to fall back into old patterns, yet I've conquered the two things I couldn't before, and that involved not being victimized, or self sabotaging what I was doing. Sure I over think, and lament, but this is my process that allows me to get through those cascading waves.
For example, there was a job I had in the mid 90s, it was dealing with babysitting large properties, and keeping out unwanted guests. I had spent a few weeks with the company, got to know a few of the employees, and I felt genuinely okay to be there. One evening I was invited to a company meeting, and the vice president remarked I had the opportunity to go far because of my potential.
At that time I wasn't really clear on this comment. I felt like it was empty, and though he was very generous with his time, I couldn't accept the compliment. I was extremely bitter from prior issues with self worth, and the ongoing struggles with decompressing from those ingrained learned behaviors and reaction.
I sabotaged my work, time, and work ethic. I designed ways to be upset at slights, and would bring an unneeded attitude to the job. It soured those around me, I didn't trust anyone, or anybody. I was extremely judgmental, and rigid in my belief of people. I was inflexible to the point of caustic. You get the idea.
I want to make abundantly clear here, when someone gives compliments please take them with grace and humility. Then I lacked that component, and I would often remiss and wonder on my direction at that time. I'd sabotage myself because I couldn't accept graciously the compliment. I went on this bizarre journey where I would say and do inappropriate things to wreak havoc on alliances I made. A typical bipolar trait I later learned.
For each section I've embarked on, I've made unconscious decision to self sabotage, rather than accept it at face value. Even now I have to remember that age and temperament have given me some insight, and tools to accepting my worth, taking credit, and ownership of my situation with pride. But, there are days where I feel I can do better, yet this doesn't make sense, why? Because I expect a lot of myself, that I feel I should be doing something at all hours, that I have something to give but I struggle to balance this.
So, opening up a bit this is what my form of bipolar does. The waves aren't peaks and valley as much, but the thing that comes and goes is the value, and worth I have. I am very thankful to have a good support system to help me see these things. Thanks for reading.
B.
Alliances / Loner (Isolationist)
Alliances / Loner (Isolationist)
In this post I'm talking about alliances and being a loner. These two constructions are vastly different in approach and execution. Whilst being an individual does have bonuses with standing and being committed to personal convictions, whereas having alliances gains traction, and sense of belonging.
A loner typically does not have this trait. A loner is someone whom is content with their own company, whom seeks fulfillment in personal goals, and is not swayed easily in any concept or socialized idiom.
Alliance is the ability to align with similar or like-minded people to causes, thought processes, and belief systems in that it embodies a society for the common good or ideal. Having a sound relationship with friends, good social interactions, and standing is grounds for alliance.
Having bipolar elicits both these foundations. Going at it alone gives me the ability to associate with self interests without being pressured into allegiances. The one downside with being a loner is that it carries significant social stigmas, and judgements which are misunderstood.
I've had to learn the hard way that people are going to be judgmental. That is the nature of things with life and bipolar. It is up to our personal self worth to distinguish between these two without becoming so distraught over it. Alliances and isolationism are so intertwined with politics, jobs, families, its a matter of walking ones inner path and mitigating them in the capacity of focusing on where we reside in recovery.
Plus these two take a delicate fine tuning component to be able to work. The biggest obstacle I have had is that sometimes I want to be isolated, whereas other times I seek social interaction. The challenges I have encountered are internalizing, or being out of place with my personality. It is hard not to be in my head a good portion of the time so this can create more conflict than usual.
The problems I have faced with bipolar and isolationism/alliances is that I would start questioning peoples motives, and internal motivations. It can really be a devastating thing to incur especially when one doesn't have the right tool to discern forth honest versus dishonest.
This can be a bit of bitter pill because as we grow into adulthood and having bipolar, these become amplified with people we don't know, or situations we aren't all that familiar with. Either way, the one thing to remember here is that no matter, its okay to have both of these elements. Sometimes one doesn't want a lot of attention or company, and other times its okay to be social. Its a matter of balancing the two and not heaving and chucking oneself to one side or the other.
Finally, alliances/isolationism is an environmental factor and how this function and designation effects bipolar. There is careful planning and learning new coping strategies, because life, friends, jobs, all manner of situations change. The one thing that has saved me is having strong ethics, personal accountability, and knowing the difference between hate, and understanding. Thanks for reading.
B.
In this post I'm talking about alliances and being a loner. These two constructions are vastly different in approach and execution. Whilst being an individual does have bonuses with standing and being committed to personal convictions, whereas having alliances gains traction, and sense of belonging.
A loner typically does not have this trait. A loner is someone whom is content with their own company, whom seeks fulfillment in personal goals, and is not swayed easily in any concept or socialized idiom.
Alliance is the ability to align with similar or like-minded people to causes, thought processes, and belief systems in that it embodies a society for the common good or ideal. Having a sound relationship with friends, good social interactions, and standing is grounds for alliance.
Having bipolar elicits both these foundations. Going at it alone gives me the ability to associate with self interests without being pressured into allegiances. The one downside with being a loner is that it carries significant social stigmas, and judgements which are misunderstood.
I've had to learn the hard way that people are going to be judgmental. That is the nature of things with life and bipolar. It is up to our personal self worth to distinguish between these two without becoming so distraught over it. Alliances and isolationism are so intertwined with politics, jobs, families, its a matter of walking ones inner path and mitigating them in the capacity of focusing on where we reside in recovery.
Plus these two take a delicate fine tuning component to be able to work. The biggest obstacle I have had is that sometimes I want to be isolated, whereas other times I seek social interaction. The challenges I have encountered are internalizing, or being out of place with my personality. It is hard not to be in my head a good portion of the time so this can create more conflict than usual.
The problems I have faced with bipolar and isolationism/alliances is that I would start questioning peoples motives, and internal motivations. It can really be a devastating thing to incur especially when one doesn't have the right tool to discern forth honest versus dishonest.
This can be a bit of bitter pill because as we grow into adulthood and having bipolar, these become amplified with people we don't know, or situations we aren't all that familiar with. Either way, the one thing to remember here is that no matter, its okay to have both of these elements. Sometimes one doesn't want a lot of attention or company, and other times its okay to be social. Its a matter of balancing the two and not heaving and chucking oneself to one side or the other.
Finally, alliances/isolationism is an environmental factor and how this function and designation effects bipolar. There is careful planning and learning new coping strategies, because life, friends, jobs, all manner of situations change. The one thing that has saved me is having strong ethics, personal accountability, and knowing the difference between hate, and understanding. Thanks for reading.
B.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Cycling Patterns
Cycling Patterns
In this post I'm elaborating on some of the more quirky and prickly constructions I've endured in my life. History is replete with repeating aspects, why certain individuals are built with confidence, domination, and fluidity. Wheres those with a disorder are castigated, and belittled for having this construction.
In my case, its often a circumstantial or often situational correspondence that leaves me with more thoughts, and stresses than I care to endure. It isn't that I don't have the tools to deal with it, on the contrary, for me its knowing that certain patterns repeat, or lessons I thought I had learned keep resurfacing.
It would be like a mother whom had a difficult time with raising her children alone, a father whom cared more for illicit substance abuse than to be part of a cohesive family, or any other dysfunction that distorts.
No matter, our character allows us to build upon these experiences, and though situations or by circumstance there is a level of history repeating. One of the most frustrating components for me is having to endure these iterations of being dragged through, or often forced into situations I have no want or need to be part of.
Hindsight is often a strange bedfellow, with bipolar this comes and goes like clouds in the sky, with occasional sun breaks. I'm of the opinion that no matter what I am doing, I'm accosted with these situations, and though I put on the good fight, I am worn down, and frankly I've become tired of dealing with it.
I suppose it comes down to what I want, what my needs are as a person, where am I going, how will I get there, stuff like that. But the inflection, and tone of which dealing with various uncontrollable elements that I for one do not want to partake in has me more flummoxed as to why this why now kind of thought.
Though I have a somewhat delicate situation that is unique to my own situation, I have to say that holding on the reins when so many outside elements are not aligning is a bit disconcerting as well. I've worked extremely hard to be where I am, I've endured so much, done without a great deal of the time, and I still feel as though I'm not ever quite to where I need to be.
These are components to what I deal with. These are challenges with maintaining solace, and comfort when certain situations present themselves repeatedly. It is not that I yearn for these situations to re-appear, its in the fact I get disappointed when I'm idling, or sitting in one place for long periods.
I think the challenge for me is to acknowledge that this is happening, and to find a way to maneuver with the tide, and embark on a journey that full fills my adventure, and not feel like I'm gliding through this existence. I know that I'm not alone, that other people struggle like I do, but I've questioned even this because it begins to look like being victimized, and I refuse to allow myself that feel this indignity.
B.
In this post I'm elaborating on some of the more quirky and prickly constructions I've endured in my life. History is replete with repeating aspects, why certain individuals are built with confidence, domination, and fluidity. Wheres those with a disorder are castigated, and belittled for having this construction.
In my case, its often a circumstantial or often situational correspondence that leaves me with more thoughts, and stresses than I care to endure. It isn't that I don't have the tools to deal with it, on the contrary, for me its knowing that certain patterns repeat, or lessons I thought I had learned keep resurfacing.
It would be like a mother whom had a difficult time with raising her children alone, a father whom cared more for illicit substance abuse than to be part of a cohesive family, or any other dysfunction that distorts.
No matter, our character allows us to build upon these experiences, and though situations or by circumstance there is a level of history repeating. One of the most frustrating components for me is having to endure these iterations of being dragged through, or often forced into situations I have no want or need to be part of.
Hindsight is often a strange bedfellow, with bipolar this comes and goes like clouds in the sky, with occasional sun breaks. I'm of the opinion that no matter what I am doing, I'm accosted with these situations, and though I put on the good fight, I am worn down, and frankly I've become tired of dealing with it.
I suppose it comes down to what I want, what my needs are as a person, where am I going, how will I get there, stuff like that. But the inflection, and tone of which dealing with various uncontrollable elements that I for one do not want to partake in has me more flummoxed as to why this why now kind of thought.
Though I have a somewhat delicate situation that is unique to my own situation, I have to say that holding on the reins when so many outside elements are not aligning is a bit disconcerting as well. I've worked extremely hard to be where I am, I've endured so much, done without a great deal of the time, and I still feel as though I'm not ever quite to where I need to be.
These are components to what I deal with. These are challenges with maintaining solace, and comfort when certain situations present themselves repeatedly. It is not that I yearn for these situations to re-appear, its in the fact I get disappointed when I'm idling, or sitting in one place for long periods.
I think the challenge for me is to acknowledge that this is happening, and to find a way to maneuver with the tide, and embark on a journey that full fills my adventure, and not feel like I'm gliding through this existence. I know that I'm not alone, that other people struggle like I do, but I've questioned even this because it begins to look like being victimized, and I refuse to allow myself that feel this indignity.
B.
Personal Distortions / Outward Distortions
Personal Distortions / Outward Distortions
In my life I've overcome obstacles inherited by a terse upbringing, whereas my social status as a young man was wrought with angst, and cognitive distortions brought out by a lack of compassion or understanding. I've struggled with maintaining a healthy balance of decent outlets for expression, plus I also had extreme rigidity towards authority figures.
It has taken me quite some time to infuse truthful and honest exploration of where those distortions arrived. Though I am no island (though I still have inclinations to believe this way), I sometimes feel as though I'm wadding through a thick paste of emotional dissonance.
When a person goes through bipolar, crucial life skill constructions begin to breakdown over a shortened duration. As with my situation once something begins to unravel or build up the best I can do is face it head on, and ride out the waves without losing my sanity in the process.
I've walked a solitary narrow path, this is brought about because of choices my younger self facilitated with personal protection. Some of the fears, and self second guessing were often self made, and I've lost crucial periods of time due to these distortions.
I'm in a much better place than where I was then, but I have to say its a constant struggle with all the trials. When I was younger I was an extremely outspoken and blunt. Often times I would argue for the sake of arguing, and to an average person that behavior never got me very far.
Through many iterations in my travels I've encountered the same comment: "The problem isn't us its you". To this effect I've wondered why this would be viewed in that context, until I figured out, wait a minute, its another distortion. People chose to like and behave how they want, I am just like anyone else but I've learned to be as direct and honest in my daily situations. I realized then that I had few real friends who had my interests in mind.
Part of why I write this here is to show how I worked through these distortions, and learned more or less that sometimes it is best to keep things to ourselves. Its also okay to take things slow, watch, and observe where people reside. I've also learned that sometimes my own company is okay, and that its not bad to just say I'm not interested. But on the flip side I've had to endure more alone time than most, I know that I've made progress with inner truths, and have come to distinct decisions based on evidence I've learned from.
I am a seasoned bipolar survivor. I make no real plans or have lofty expectations. My best qualities are honesty, creativity, and trustworthiness. The thing with my best qualities is they can turn into distortion, because as I think up something or situation, it can manifest into wildly vivid or unreasonable expectations. For me I've learned to trim down my vivid imagination, use critical thinking skills to assess, and modify my expectations with myself and how others have seen me.
Yet more challenges remain. Life hands me situations that I must face. I cannot run from them. I cannot hide from them. I have learned to accept them, and that I have a choice in the decision, or not. I've been adept at keeping others at a distance because I've had to fend and fight for each step along the way. It has been painful to say the least. The struggles and tribulations have also given to extreme stubbornness. My ongoing evolution of sorts will continue but I must learn to quiet the beast.
But, like with any situation whether it be family, work, or social, the key construction for managing personal distortions is understanding where they come from.
In my life I've overcome obstacles inherited by a terse upbringing, whereas my social status as a young man was wrought with angst, and cognitive distortions brought out by a lack of compassion or understanding. I've struggled with maintaining a healthy balance of decent outlets for expression, plus I also had extreme rigidity towards authority figures.
It has taken me quite some time to infuse truthful and honest exploration of where those distortions arrived. Though I am no island (though I still have inclinations to believe this way), I sometimes feel as though I'm wadding through a thick paste of emotional dissonance.
When a person goes through bipolar, crucial life skill constructions begin to breakdown over a shortened duration. As with my situation once something begins to unravel or build up the best I can do is face it head on, and ride out the waves without losing my sanity in the process.
I've walked a solitary narrow path, this is brought about because of choices my younger self facilitated with personal protection. Some of the fears, and self second guessing were often self made, and I've lost crucial periods of time due to these distortions.
I'm in a much better place than where I was then, but I have to say its a constant struggle with all the trials. When I was younger I was an extremely outspoken and blunt. Often times I would argue for the sake of arguing, and to an average person that behavior never got me very far.
Through many iterations in my travels I've encountered the same comment: "The problem isn't us its you". To this effect I've wondered why this would be viewed in that context, until I figured out, wait a minute, its another distortion. People chose to like and behave how they want, I am just like anyone else but I've learned to be as direct and honest in my daily situations. I realized then that I had few real friends who had my interests in mind.
Part of why I write this here is to show how I worked through these distortions, and learned more or less that sometimes it is best to keep things to ourselves. Its also okay to take things slow, watch, and observe where people reside. I've also learned that sometimes my own company is okay, and that its not bad to just say I'm not interested. But on the flip side I've had to endure more alone time than most, I know that I've made progress with inner truths, and have come to distinct decisions based on evidence I've learned from.
I am a seasoned bipolar survivor. I make no real plans or have lofty expectations. My best qualities are honesty, creativity, and trustworthiness. The thing with my best qualities is they can turn into distortion, because as I think up something or situation, it can manifest into wildly vivid or unreasonable expectations. For me I've learned to trim down my vivid imagination, use critical thinking skills to assess, and modify my expectations with myself and how others have seen me.
Yet more challenges remain. Life hands me situations that I must face. I cannot run from them. I cannot hide from them. I have learned to accept them, and that I have a choice in the decision, or not. I've been adept at keeping others at a distance because I've had to fend and fight for each step along the way. It has been painful to say the least. The struggles and tribulations have also given to extreme stubbornness. My ongoing evolution of sorts will continue but I must learn to quiet the beast.
But, like with any situation whether it be family, work, or social, the key construction for managing personal distortions is understanding where they come from.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Being Flexible: Learning to Adapt
Being Flexible: Learning To Adapt
Something of late has had me in reflective mode, and that is being flexible. Flexibility is something that can either make or break a person, or situation. Having the ability to think on the fly quickly without having to debate merits of pros and cons.
It isn't the same as being impulsive because in that situation its involving taking uncharacteristic chances with life that often ends in really bad outcomes. Being flexible involves a lot of self confidence and knowing how and when to be accountable for the action or reaction to a set of circumstances that will or is about to unfold.
There is a level of personal discretion in knowing when and how to elicit responses to outcomes fairly quickly and without second guessing. Each person is different in how they are flexible, whereas my situation this was a skill that wasn't taught to me in a critical way.
I would flail about, and make costly mistakes along the way. I have found in my travels people do wear their emotions on the outside, plus it doesn't help that there is a level of exclusionary tactics that combines for inflexible strategies.
Taking notice of this I would say something off handed, making curt observations to the fact, and this would hurt my intended (pretend stock) in the situation. Though our perceptions play a key role in how flexible we can be, ultimately though it comes down to choices we make.
This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. It really does take a keen and observant person to really key in on specifics. But where I've often struggled with flexibility is in my extreme rigidity. That often will undo or put a squash on a project, friendship, or any other manner of which stifles compassion, or understanding. As with another post, the theme is always environmental, and though I cannot control what others do, I often have to be the one who engages in flexible strategies.
Flexibility is something that involves patience, understanding, and steadiness. There is not a need for debating or questioning. Its a skill that takes practice, and for bipolar this is so paramount to know the differences. Reaction versus reacting, or put another way, finding and following your internal guide. Definitely something I was not prepared for when I became independent.
There are challenges, especially when you first start out, and I say this with folks of mental illness there is a lot of down time, there will be situations, conversations, and the such. For me the caveat is always making sure I have balance amongst what I am capable of. There are moments where I fall off and I have to pick myself back up because I made a slight miscalculation to choice or descision.
Don't be hard on yourself, there are good days, and there not so good days. The key is to accept, and and forgive yourself, and that in itself is being flexible. Thanks for reading.
B.
Something of late has had me in reflective mode, and that is being flexible. Flexibility is something that can either make or break a person, or situation. Having the ability to think on the fly quickly without having to debate merits of pros and cons.
It isn't the same as being impulsive because in that situation its involving taking uncharacteristic chances with life that often ends in really bad outcomes. Being flexible involves a lot of self confidence and knowing how and when to be accountable for the action or reaction to a set of circumstances that will or is about to unfold.
There is a level of personal discretion in knowing when and how to elicit responses to outcomes fairly quickly and without second guessing. Each person is different in how they are flexible, whereas my situation this was a skill that wasn't taught to me in a critical way.
I would flail about, and make costly mistakes along the way. I have found in my travels people do wear their emotions on the outside, plus it doesn't help that there is a level of exclusionary tactics that combines for inflexible strategies.
Taking notice of this I would say something off handed, making curt observations to the fact, and this would hurt my intended (pretend stock) in the situation. Though our perceptions play a key role in how flexible we can be, ultimately though it comes down to choices we make.
This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. It really does take a keen and observant person to really key in on specifics. But where I've often struggled with flexibility is in my extreme rigidity. That often will undo or put a squash on a project, friendship, or any other manner of which stifles compassion, or understanding. As with another post, the theme is always environmental, and though I cannot control what others do, I often have to be the one who engages in flexible strategies.
Flexibility is something that involves patience, understanding, and steadiness. There is not a need for debating or questioning. Its a skill that takes practice, and for bipolar this is so paramount to know the differences. Reaction versus reacting, or put another way, finding and following your internal guide. Definitely something I was not prepared for when I became independent.
There are challenges, especially when you first start out, and I say this with folks of mental illness there is a lot of down time, there will be situations, conversations, and the such. For me the caveat is always making sure I have balance amongst what I am capable of. There are moments where I fall off and I have to pick myself back up because I made a slight miscalculation to choice or descision.
Don't be hard on yourself, there are good days, and there not so good days. The key is to accept, and and forgive yourself, and that in itself is being flexible. Thanks for reading.
B.
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