Self-Worth / Self Negativity

Self Worth / Self Negativity

Having a mental disorder gives me some creative insight and clarity. It has also provided me specifics with those experiences and to take credit for skills, and personal achievements along in my journey. One of the most difficult things I've had trouble with is taking credit for minor successes. A greater distinction with gaining successes as it teaches one about self worth. When one has a disorder this can often be an albatross to maneuver around.

Many of my trials in my journey have been markedly difficult, and when there was positive movement I tended to mitigate it, seeing only the negative side,  and often ignoring personal accolades on the work I would complete.

It is true I am my own worst critic. I deal with ongoing personal issues that have carried on into my adult life. I've worked very hard to acknowledge those negative traits, and focused on treating them not as a burden, but as teachable milestones. Examples include learning to say thank you, using eye contact, being forthright, being cordial, and using self affirmations.

But sometimes things do not work out, that I often fail along the way. The thing I had to learn is that I tried my best even after failing. This has gone a lot farther than having instant successes, because I think those experiences have taught me valuable lessons about what I offer to the world. Since I haven't had the luxury of trying and failing with finding my place in the world in my youth, it just has taken me longer to figure it out.

The other aspect is that I would invariably self sabotage personal goals. I would self defeat myself before I got started, because of self doubts about my self worth, and the damages incurred by previous learned traits in my youth. I realized later that whatever I put my mind towards, I can succeed at it as long as I work on the critically smaller manageable goals to get there.

There are good days, and not so good days. It can be extremely hard not to fall back into old patterns, yet I've conquered the two things I couldn't before, and that involved not being victimized, or self sabotaging what I was doing. Sure I over think, and lament, but this is my process that allows me to get through those cascading waves.

For example, there was a job I had in the mid 90s, it was dealing with babysitting large properties, and keeping out unwanted guests. I had spent a few weeks with the company, got to know a few of the employees, and I felt genuinely okay to be there.  One evening I was invited to a company meeting, and the vice president remarked I had the opportunity to go far because of my potential.

At that time I wasn't really clear on this comment. I felt like it was empty, and though he was very generous with his time, I couldn't accept the compliment. I was extremely bitter from prior issues with self worth, and the ongoing struggles with decompressing from those ingrained learned behaviors and reaction.

I sabotaged my work, time, and work ethic. I designed ways to be upset at slights, and would bring an unneeded attitude to the job. It soured those around me, I didn't trust anyone, or anybody. I was extremely judgmental, and rigid in my belief of people. I was inflexible to the point of caustic. You get the idea.

I want to make abundantly clear here, when someone gives compliments please take them with grace and humility. Then I lacked that component, and I would often remiss and wonder on my direction at that time. I'd sabotage myself because I couldn't accept graciously the compliment. I went on this bizarre journey where I would say and do inappropriate things to wreak havoc on alliances I made. A typical bipolar trait I later learned.

For each section I've embarked on, I've made unconscious decision to self sabotage, rather than accept it at face value. Even now I have to remember that age and temperament have given me some insight, and tools to accepting my worth, taking credit, and ownership of my situation with pride. But, there are days where I feel I can do better, yet this doesn't make sense, why? Because I expect a lot of myself, that I feel I should be doing something at all hours, that I have something to give but I struggle to balance this.

So, opening up a bit this is what my form of bipolar does. The waves aren't peaks and valley as much, but the thing that comes and goes is the value, and worth I have. I am very thankful to have a good support system to help me see these things. Thanks for reading.

B.