Good Days & Bad Days

Good Days & Bad Days Learning to live with and struggle through

I like to think I am a pretty resilient individual. Conflicts within my head argue a lot when there is distortion happening around me. It often makes me socially awkward to a point of being left of unusual and vocally combative.

I choose not to give reason or meaning to the motivations that drive me to push people away, or give announcement to my misgivings. Inside my head lays many roads. Some are complete, others are not. There are rock pillars floating, with trees, living elements of grace, tangibility, and potential. There are other pillars that have negative calculators, broken memories, and torrid spots of dark emotion stickers.

Each of these can give rise to good days, or bad days depending on how I awake in the morning, or how the day progresses. It used to be that I would languish with certain emotions, and feel each wave cascading over me.

I would be the would be prisoner, held in by my unsure way to broach forth, and would have thoughts of what if scenarios playing out. Later as I understood my disorder, I came to the river of knowledge knowing how to to mitigate and endure what I was feeling.

Lately, I ache more now than I used to. I keep trying to fight it, and its become a crutch taking anti-inflammatory to manage. Shoulder and elbow issues seem to ebb and flow depending on weather, but I become irate as it begins to shape how I will endure and react in the day. This is a new construction to what I'm already dealing with. It conflates my wistful idealism, and puts harsh tomes of reflection in my being in the day.

This becomes an emotional albatross brought out by physical pain. I understand age, and that human fragility. Surgery and repair often can be a long process back. A phone call or a text message that annoys me will begin to unravel my emotional threads.

Sometimes I get annoyed very quickly, or frustrated to a point that I have to self-check. Being mindful of how I project my attitude is always an ongoing work in progress. If I am not in the mood that will carry outwards. If I am feeling frustrated that will be visual as well. It is here I endure so I can teach others and guide those whom aren't at my stage into a path that gives clarity, and direction.

These are not grandeur a-b-c-type dreams, I've calmed my torrent of schemes, and directed my energy towards something I can attain and reach. Again there are good days, and not so good days here as well. Many reasonable goals involve expectations I push myself into. I try very diligently to be as careful in assessing, and observing than making obtuse blanket statements about frustrations I am going through.

I've worked on generalizing, keeping in mind that there are many other viewpoints. I've lessened my harsh critique of what people listen to, and affiliation they reside. I've learned to bottle my passions, but be mindful of the words I say. Having bipolar on a bad day doesn't give me the right to be venomous and vindictive. I have to endure, stay resilient, and patient with my emotions. As they will pass into something else.

I am an ocean of all energy coursing through my veins, my blood pumping, and my heart pounding keeps me alive. I am mindful of my breathing, and remembering to say to myself "It's going to be okay" over and over. That not everything is the end of the world.

It takes personal reflection to understand what and where I reside. In my previous post thinking critically has given rise to another set of issues too, and that is sometimes I can't wait, but reactive. But I am not that same person. For me it isn't always a two way street. There are components that I must research out. Knowing whether or not its the right course of action, or a waste of energy. I am learning how to pick my battles carefully, and methodically.

This goes on day to day. Situation to situation. I hope this makes sense in a clear way. Thanks for reading.

B.