Risks vs Rewards

Risks vs Rewards Understanding where disorder begins and making good healthy decisions

Risks are part of everyday. One will walk to and from their residence. We drive in cars, fly in planes, go do our jobs. There are risks in everyday situations. I think where I got stuck was within myself and my perception of the world around me. I had this innate fear of not being able to connect or enjoy the world. I was wrapped up in minor mental hang ups because of perception.

I would often deflect, or get guidance to situations, and what I would get back would be the same theme, that if I want it bad enough I have to go through a lot to get there. The experience, the trials, etc. Once again the theme is perception, which can be a real pain to get around with a mood disorder.

But I would often nitpick the hell out of systems, jobs, people, locations, and the such. I would drive myself crazy thinking about aspects I couldn't control. I would spend countless hours alone, debating, deconstructing, and rebuilding systems. I can tell you it was a lot of wasted energy. But it taught me something very crucial about myself. I have the natural ability to be critical, and to analyze what is going on around me.

I had to learn how to channel this into a constructive way. To take risks on educated understanding, that the knowledge I have is valuable to my growth, and to where I am going. My journey isn't about avoidance, its about taking what I have learned, and gaining insight, and clarity to my overal view and understanding of the world I make.

Rewards have often been a non issue. Perhaps it is because I elected to keep striving, to not rest on anything. To make and endure on so I could see where I was going into further down the road. I am not an island, but there are moments where I do feel this way. That choices, and my overt critical thinking does me no good on quick decisions. But I am not an impulsive person. Kind of a declaration of a direct contradiction right there.

Risks are something that we all do without even knowing. Since our system depends on us keeping the ecosystem going i.e. grocery store, bus stops, insurance, diets, exercise, entertainment, you get the idea. Part of understanding risk is confidence. One has to have confidence in their self to be able to accept without remorse the reactions. We are accountable to movements and the things we say. That right there scared me.

I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could be confident with risks. I would try in vain to do tasks that I thought were important, but I would often be reminded of the strong undercurrent I was swimming against. A lot of my traction has been with a lot of failures. As I've spoken in another post, failures teach us something about our mood disorders, and that is truth.

Perception is often a very cruel mistress because she will taught me with ideas, and lofty schemes, but when I start out on the path something invariably goes awry. I then have to double back and start over because I missed something or I didn't do enough research. See what this does? It can literally drive a person to breaking. The false start/stop aspect was my life for twenty years.

I wasn't afraid to take risks, in fact I take risks, its a lot more clearer now, but then youth and mental disorders tend to conspire against a person with lofty expectations and dreams of a better life. Otherwise, what I am saying here is that it takes time. Risks are part of life. We all have learned at an early age the importance of picking our spots wisely, and maneuvering with that knowledge. Thanks for reading.

B.