Cycling Patterns

 Cycling Patterns

In this post I'm elaborating on some of the more quirky and prickly constructions I've endured in my life. History is replete with repeating aspects, why certain individuals are built with confidence, domination, and fluidity. Wheres those with a disorder are castigated, and belittled for having this construction.

In my case, its often a circumstantial or often situational correspondence that leaves me with more thoughts, and stresses than I care to endure. It isn't that I don't have the tools to deal with it, on the contrary, for me its knowing that certain patterns repeat, or lessons I thought I had learned keep resurfacing.

It would be like a mother whom had a difficult time with raising her children alone, a father whom cared more for illicit substance abuse than to be part of a cohesive family, or any other dysfunction that distorts.

No matter, our character allows us to build upon these experiences, and though situations or by circumstance there is a level of history repeating. One of the most frustrating components for me is having to endure these iterations of being dragged through, or often forced into situations I have no want or need to be part of.

Hindsight is often a strange bedfellow, with bipolar this comes and goes like clouds in the sky, with occasional sun breaks. I'm of the opinion that no matter what I am doing, I'm accosted with these situations, and though I put on the good fight, I am worn down, and frankly I've become tired of dealing with it.

I suppose it comes down to what I want, what my needs are as a person, where am I going, how will I get there, stuff like that. But the inflection, and tone of which dealing with various uncontrollable elements that I for one do not want to partake in has me more flummoxed as to why this why now kind of thought.

Though I have a somewhat delicate situation that is unique to my own situation, I have to say that holding on the reins when so many outside elements are not aligning is a bit disconcerting as well. I've worked extremely hard to be where I am, I've endured so much, done without a great deal of the time, and I still feel as though I'm not ever quite to where I need to be.

These are components to what I deal with. These are challenges with maintaining solace, and comfort when certain situations present themselves repeatedly. It is not that I yearn for these situations to re-appear, its in the fact I get disappointed when I'm idling, or sitting in one place for long periods.

I think the challenge for me is to acknowledge that this is happening, and to find a way to maneuver with the tide, and embark on a journey that full fills my adventure, and not feel like I'm gliding through this existence. I know that I'm not alone, that other people struggle like I do, but I've questioned even this because it begins to look like being victimized, and I refuse to allow myself that feel this indignity.


B.