The Joys and Follies of Mental Health Services
I have been a survivor of mental health services close to 20 years. In those twenty years there have been sizable frustrations with finding, and keeping service that gives not just a foundation in my recovery but an overall necessity for longevity.
In recent weeks I had to relocate. I am like anyone else when it comes to tribulations of life, and though I am still here, I've persevered due to my ability in working with Changes, and not trying to overwhelm myself with trivial things (which was very hard).
As getting acclimated to the new surroundings, I've noticed some very curt, and abrupt people in my travels. If there is a apropo term to describe what I am going through it is thus: night/day, east/west, and never shall any ever meet in anyway shape or form.
There is a very strong presence of religion everywhere, though I don't subscribe to it, I am acutely aware of its fingers. My time in Ogden has proven to be a great beacon of what not to do, or say. Where I lived before I had freedom to say what I wanted without any worry, now I am not so sure.
Anyways, getting back on point, the fact I had to suspend what I was already doing in another location, and start something completely new reminds me of another carrier that has this same precept of a disorganized, and chaotic institution. As I have already been seeking out a family doctor, both pain management and medication will not work with this agency.
Part of my frustration here is the six month trial for 'getting better' or as I've been so eloquent to say is like putting a band aid on a disorder that has many peaks, valleys, and crevices.
Uh, firstly there is no such thing as getting better, it is a process that takes time, working through various therapy strategies as the need to highlight outside of the actual meetings, and one-on-one sessions is considered therapy by this agency dutifully concerns me.
Another point to consider in my observations, this agency specifically states that any long term mental health work in long durations is considered a 'crutch' or an abuse of the system. Very weird considering how much I've written about needing this for the real disadvantaged.
What I do know is feeling counter productive if the community is more driven by taking calculated steps to cut off rather than be connected to those work on their own issues i.e. in great need. Just my observations about what I saw today.
B.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Medication V: Trying Lithium
Medication V: Trying Lithium
Late September 2013
So a week into my new venture of Lithium, a couple of things are pronounce. The fact yes there is cotton mouth, dry mouth is apparent. Though I do enough to drink plenty of liquids because of kidney stones, this hasn't been as worrisome as I would have expected it to be.
The drawback though is that it takes a little longer for me to unwind, but this I think is attributed to environmental stuff. Otherwise when stresses are pronounce I am able to keep level and modulate through the stress keeping in line with the construction of the 12 step program.
The other aspect is having to compete with making sure I follow a system. Specific routines have to be followed, hallmark in recovery. As time progresses I am at least hopeful this will translate into something substantial. There are a lot of things afoot.
*Update 1* October 2013
After spending sometime with Lithium, all I can say is my teeth hurt, there are some sizable acne, and various aches associated with joint, and muscle twitching. I feel calm, not out of the ordinary, but I am more-or-less not being melancholy yet that is hard with the seasonal change.
I am a lot more aware of the time, as I am feeling like things are slowed down to a point. But I am still dealing with the internal battle with my mind, and the fissures of feeling like I need to answer to someones expectation. This is a hard and engrained behavior that will take some work from me to break. I answer only to myself, and what I do not the other way around.
With taking Lithium I am very aware of the weight situation. So I am doing my best to limit what I eat in regards to sugars, more vegetables, fruits, and water. Working out isn't going to be something I am going to be doing, but walking, and biking are as close to what I can do to mitigate the onset.
As it gets closer to winter, some mild form of yoga is in store. This is what I must do to keep active.
*Update 2 November 2013*
In this updated post I had to change my medication time because of the up all night component. There is still dry mouth, now I have various acne forming. My skin feels cold at times, I also sweat more than usual. Thoughts come and go, but the main component is sticking to a routine.
I have to say that I do feel a big burden of time crushing me. There are good days, and then there are some pretty profoundly difficult days. Mitigating them takes inner strength, and using skills to get 'through' the waves.
Reality versus what I want are two different area codes I am still struggling with. Lithium has given me a bit of a blanket to waver through, but I still feel uneasy with my processing, and what I want to be doing with my time. Which are two different places that I cannot seem to get to co-exist in the same place. Which is odd, but this is my form of bipolar. Very strange to see how this has affected my life. I can only imagine how I have treated people with my bipolar in the 'all or nothing' situation.
Some serious food for thought, as I work through the Al Anon 12 step recovery with Bipolar skills. Thanks for reading.
B.
Late September 2013
So a week into my new venture of Lithium, a couple of things are pronounce. The fact yes there is cotton mouth, dry mouth is apparent. Though I do enough to drink plenty of liquids because of kidney stones, this hasn't been as worrisome as I would have expected it to be.
The drawback though is that it takes a little longer for me to unwind, but this I think is attributed to environmental stuff. Otherwise when stresses are pronounce I am able to keep level and modulate through the stress keeping in line with the construction of the 12 step program.
The other aspect is having to compete with making sure I follow a system. Specific routines have to be followed, hallmark in recovery. As time progresses I am at least hopeful this will translate into something substantial. There are a lot of things afoot.
*Update 1* October 2013
After spending sometime with Lithium, all I can say is my teeth hurt, there are some sizable acne, and various aches associated with joint, and muscle twitching. I feel calm, not out of the ordinary, but I am more-or-less not being melancholy yet that is hard with the seasonal change.
I am a lot more aware of the time, as I am feeling like things are slowed down to a point. But I am still dealing with the internal battle with my mind, and the fissures of feeling like I need to answer to someones expectation. This is a hard and engrained behavior that will take some work from me to break. I answer only to myself, and what I do not the other way around.
With taking Lithium I am very aware of the weight situation. So I am doing my best to limit what I eat in regards to sugars, more vegetables, fruits, and water. Working out isn't going to be something I am going to be doing, but walking, and biking are as close to what I can do to mitigate the onset.
As it gets closer to winter, some mild form of yoga is in store. This is what I must do to keep active.
*Update 2 November 2013*
In this updated post I had to change my medication time because of the up all night component. There is still dry mouth, now I have various acne forming. My skin feels cold at times, I also sweat more than usual. Thoughts come and go, but the main component is sticking to a routine.
I have to say that I do feel a big burden of time crushing me. There are good days, and then there are some pretty profoundly difficult days. Mitigating them takes inner strength, and using skills to get 'through' the waves.
Reality versus what I want are two different area codes I am still struggling with. Lithium has given me a bit of a blanket to waver through, but I still feel uneasy with my processing, and what I want to be doing with my time. Which are two different places that I cannot seem to get to co-exist in the same place. Which is odd, but this is my form of bipolar. Very strange to see how this has affected my life. I can only imagine how I have treated people with my bipolar in the 'all or nothing' situation.
Some serious food for thought, as I work through the Al Anon 12 step recovery with Bipolar skills. Thanks for reading.
B.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Waves & More Waves: Bipolar Spectrum
Waves & More Waves: Bipolar Spectrum
Knowing the waves will come, and knowing how to work within the guidelines of the self.
For many bipolar is a ever crossing eave of destruction or pliable elation. Between these points are divots that can and will divert and plateau.
It is knowing when and where to step behind the (self) screen and acknowledge that these are the framework to the peaks and valleys of bipolar.
For me these represent two diametrically opposite points of view. In my younger days I was languishing, bearing my ferocious teeth in anger, displacing a lot of pent of energy upon myself, and those around me.
As I would later deconstruct, my anger became a coping mechanism brought out by protecting me from caustic, and dysfunctional situations. The energy component involved a lot of self damage. Running into objects, hurting, hitting, cutting, trying to find ways to feel alive as to dull the onslaught of deep emotional pain. I incurred major bouts of isolation from my peers, family, from that result bore a kind of social retardation.
As I got older and settled into my groove as it were, a lot the construction leveled out from various outside factors I couldn't control, situations that I didn't feel connected with, and the obvious self idling. I started to fracture and then I begin unraveling. In another post I describe how these situations will manifest, yet here I break it down into a more concrete way.
Whether or not the traction was positive or negative, the metrics of those results bore a lot of applicable frustration, mental perception notwithstanding why me why now, and a kind of implied social and individual torment.
As I grew into my bipolar I had to acknowledge how not to fall into these traps. Firstly I had to walk beside my emotions, analyze them, break them down into what I was experiencing. I then had to rework my understanding and reintegrate back into a kind of normal life.
I had to ply away from the knee jerk assessment or the intrepidity of my ego. Again environment has played a huge role in how I manage with bipolar, other times it is permutations of whether or not something works or doesn't. I wouldn't adhere to the luck of the draw, but I will acknowledge that there aspects I cannot control and I must let things be.
I learned how to walk away from the negative, and embrace a truth, and realism. There are challenges to my processes, yet I understood then that I can't allow myself to be swayed by my emotion, I had to take the tact of separation (watching the situation as it is, rather than what I think it is).
This takes considerable amount of practice. This has taken years of fine tuning, going through repetition, and making time to mend and heal from solitude into what I am now. Though I am not perfect, I accept what is rather than what isn't.
Seeing the waves come before they hit helps me understand how to get through the episodes. Sure medication helps, yet I elected a more strict point: accept and ride through. There are good days, and not so good days. Some waves are marginal, where others are gigantic mountains with wild ravenous animals waiting to attack.
Stepping aside from the steep cliffs that will spring up, I learned to acknowledge them, accept them, and embrace them without feeling overwhelmingly despondent. I hope this helps, thanks for reading.
B.
Knowing the waves will come, and knowing how to work within the guidelines of the self.
For many bipolar is a ever crossing eave of destruction or pliable elation. Between these points are divots that can and will divert and plateau.
It is knowing when and where to step behind the (self) screen and acknowledge that these are the framework to the peaks and valleys of bipolar.
For me these represent two diametrically opposite points of view. In my younger days I was languishing, bearing my ferocious teeth in anger, displacing a lot of pent of energy upon myself, and those around me.
As I would later deconstruct, my anger became a coping mechanism brought out by protecting me from caustic, and dysfunctional situations. The energy component involved a lot of self damage. Running into objects, hurting, hitting, cutting, trying to find ways to feel alive as to dull the onslaught of deep emotional pain. I incurred major bouts of isolation from my peers, family, from that result bore a kind of social retardation.
As I got older and settled into my groove as it were, a lot the construction leveled out from various outside factors I couldn't control, situations that I didn't feel connected with, and the obvious self idling. I started to fracture and then I begin unraveling. In another post I describe how these situations will manifest, yet here I break it down into a more concrete way.
Whether or not the traction was positive or negative, the metrics of those results bore a lot of applicable frustration, mental perception notwithstanding why me why now, and a kind of implied social and individual torment.
As I grew into my bipolar I had to acknowledge how not to fall into these traps. Firstly I had to walk beside my emotions, analyze them, break them down into what I was experiencing. I then had to rework my understanding and reintegrate back into a kind of normal life.
I had to ply away from the knee jerk assessment or the intrepidity of my ego. Again environment has played a huge role in how I manage with bipolar, other times it is permutations of whether or not something works or doesn't. I wouldn't adhere to the luck of the draw, but I will acknowledge that there aspects I cannot control and I must let things be.
I learned how to walk away from the negative, and embrace a truth, and realism. There are challenges to my processes, yet I understood then that I can't allow myself to be swayed by my emotion, I had to take the tact of separation (watching the situation as it is, rather than what I think it is).
This takes considerable amount of practice. This has taken years of fine tuning, going through repetition, and making time to mend and heal from solitude into what I am now. Though I am not perfect, I accept what is rather than what isn't.
Seeing the waves come before they hit helps me understand how to get through the episodes. Sure medication helps, yet I elected a more strict point: accept and ride through. There are good days, and not so good days. Some waves are marginal, where others are gigantic mountains with wild ravenous animals waiting to attack.
Stepping aside from the steep cliffs that will spring up, I learned to acknowledge them, accept them, and embrace them without feeling overwhelmingly despondent. I hope this helps, thanks for reading.
B.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Medication IV: Test Subject
Medication IV: Test Subject
There I was in the fall of 1998 getting acclimated to a new agency. Fine tuning many of my more curious behavioral issues, and my mental state clamoring over finite issues. I would start out on Celexa, and then started taking Welbutrin in conjunction with Celexa.
When I started Celexa, I had numerous stomach problems. I was already having occasional kidney twinge pains from passing (3) kidney stones. Part of it stemmed from my Mountain Dew beverage intake (I thought), but once I started taking Celexa I had very bad stomach pains, and I taking many pit stops, a lot.
Then it was suggested that I take Welbutrin for sleeping and mood stabilization. Which at first was okay, but the Celexa medication was starting to wreck havoc on my sleep schedule. My relationship situation was very much weighted upon me trying to stay busy, where there wasn't whole lot going on. Which I think contributed to my problems integrating.
I took Celexa 25mg twice a day one in the morning and one at night. Welbutrin was 150mg once a day in the morning, which put me in sleep mode. I was smoking (at that time), so I was wondering if that contributed to my issues.
Then I took a break after 2002. I would pick up again with the medication option in 2005 because I was idling, getting back into that funk of sorts, as I could not pull myself through it. I was introduced to Geodon at 5mg which made me very lethargic, foggy, and grumpy. I then moved into Zypresidone for sleeping, as I got into another relationship, and I was night owl.
Then I got into Effexor XL 75mg (start) highest 175mg. At first seemed okay, but then I was having anxiety problems, I was stressed more, and I began to do damage to myself as I had no self control of my emotions. Due to a change living arrangements, this medication was promptly discontinued as per nurse practitioner.
Then came Lamictal 2mg. I was a full on rage mode. I couldn't sleep. I was very irritated. This medication lasted a week as it was wreaking havoc with people around me. I would promptly put the brakes on the medication for six months.
Once I started on my next journey, I was always busy. I couldn't really relax enough to find time to sleep. So I was given Seroquel 25mg for sleeping. At first worked great, but after awhile my head felt drippy. Nothing seemed to motivate me to pull out of the funk. I promptly stopped taking that after third month. I didn't like how I was feeling.
Then I moved into Benadryl. Three times a day, though it made me drowsy, I could at least function (somewhat). Though I would have the ups and downs with the cycling aspect, I was able to distance myself enough that I could maintain. I had to cut out the smoking, because this wasn't helping my cascading waves. On March 13th 2009, I quit smoking. So I literally was starting over with removing a ingrained addiction.
I've tempered my assessment to medication management. It is there to help, and keep some kind of balance. The key is finding the right combination. I'm still trying, but I'm wary and tired from the experiences.
I'm very private in my suffering and this kind of alludes a new kind of unease that I wasn't geared to accepting. Though I feel older, I feel robbed of a lot of great potential things, but I feel like punching the invisible wall for saying it. Frustrated isn't really going to solve what I feel somewhat.
I elected to do this on my own. To try and see if I could find my way through my tribulations. It has been difficult. In all of my attempts, something has yet to give me clarity, and guidance. I often wonder how long this will go on. As I'm not sure I can endure another tribulation of medication trials. Thanks for reading.
B.
There I was in the fall of 1998 getting acclimated to a new agency. Fine tuning many of my more curious behavioral issues, and my mental state clamoring over finite issues. I would start out on Celexa, and then started taking Welbutrin in conjunction with Celexa.
When I started Celexa, I had numerous stomach problems. I was already having occasional kidney twinge pains from passing (3) kidney stones. Part of it stemmed from my Mountain Dew beverage intake (I thought), but once I started taking Celexa I had very bad stomach pains, and I taking many pit stops, a lot.
Then it was suggested that I take Welbutrin for sleeping and mood stabilization. Which at first was okay, but the Celexa medication was starting to wreck havoc on my sleep schedule. My relationship situation was very much weighted upon me trying to stay busy, where there wasn't whole lot going on. Which I think contributed to my problems integrating.
I took Celexa 25mg twice a day one in the morning and one at night. Welbutrin was 150mg once a day in the morning, which put me in sleep mode. I was smoking (at that time), so I was wondering if that contributed to my issues.
Then I took a break after 2002. I would pick up again with the medication option in 2005 because I was idling, getting back into that funk of sorts, as I could not pull myself through it. I was introduced to Geodon at 5mg which made me very lethargic, foggy, and grumpy. I then moved into Zypresidone for sleeping, as I got into another relationship, and I was night owl.
Then I got into Effexor XL 75mg (start) highest 175mg. At first seemed okay, but then I was having anxiety problems, I was stressed more, and I began to do damage to myself as I had no self control of my emotions. Due to a change living arrangements, this medication was promptly discontinued as per nurse practitioner.
Then came Lamictal 2mg. I was a full on rage mode. I couldn't sleep. I was very irritated. This medication lasted a week as it was wreaking havoc with people around me. I would promptly put the brakes on the medication for six months.
Once I started on my next journey, I was always busy. I couldn't really relax enough to find time to sleep. So I was given Seroquel 25mg for sleeping. At first worked great, but after awhile my head felt drippy. Nothing seemed to motivate me to pull out of the funk. I promptly stopped taking that after third month. I didn't like how I was feeling.
Then I moved into Benadryl. Three times a day, though it made me drowsy, I could at least function (somewhat). Though I would have the ups and downs with the cycling aspect, I was able to distance myself enough that I could maintain. I had to cut out the smoking, because this wasn't helping my cascading waves. On March 13th 2009, I quit smoking. So I literally was starting over with removing a ingrained addiction.
I've tempered my assessment to medication management. It is there to help, and keep some kind of balance. The key is finding the right combination. I'm still trying, but I'm wary and tired from the experiences.
I'm very private in my suffering and this kind of alludes a new kind of unease that I wasn't geared to accepting. Though I feel older, I feel robbed of a lot of great potential things, but I feel like punching the invisible wall for saying it. Frustrated isn't really going to solve what I feel somewhat.
I elected to do this on my own. To try and see if I could find my way through my tribulations. It has been difficult. In all of my attempts, something has yet to give me clarity, and guidance. I often wonder how long this will go on. As I'm not sure I can endure another tribulation of medication trials. Thanks for reading.
B.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Medication III: Tribulations of Alternative Methods
Medication III: Tribulations of Alternative Methods
Once I got settled into my young adulthood, my second real stint with alternative (not medicine) would begin.
I tried bee pollen for about six months, a friend had suggested this because of my issues with adverse side effects, and while it worked for a little while, many things began to unravel.
I was depressed more. I was tired more. I couldn't muster enough energy to motivate myself after my initial diagnosis of bipolar. I was in a very difficult situation trying out anything that could help alleviate my moods.
Bee pollen was a nice introduction, but once I hit my 23rd year something inside me had changed considerably. I was in a very dark place emotionally, I had no real feeling, I had no real date, I wasn't exactly employed (in the correct sense), as I was tripping over trying to keep busy. Once all of these collided, and my personal misgivings about society, and my role in it, I was very sad, and depressed.
This went on for a few years, I tried rekindling something with my case manager in that I wanted to take full advantage of the Lithium/Paxil option, but due to my insurance issues, this was blocked. So for awhile I sat in idle, twiddling about not knowing what day it was, whom was friend or foe.
When I moved due to the lack of family connection (which I suspect was contributing to my deep depression) I set out on a path for myself. I would not look back, nor would I volunteer where I was going to no one.
As I arrived to a new place, I would try out St. John's Wort in the summer of 1998, at first was odd, then I began having canker sores, and became very irritable. My poor roommate ended up getting a fair share of my bluntness, and obtuse behavior. Shuffling from that I would try out honey, some other unpronounceable product, and then that was that.
I knew something wasn't quite right, but I wasn't connecting to the right systems or processes to gain insight and clarity to where my head was at. Behavior wise I was all over the place, like a ping pong ball. So much of that period was rife with uncertainty, personal calamity, and bizarre traits.
B.
Once I got settled into my young adulthood, my second real stint with alternative (not medicine) would begin.
I tried bee pollen for about six months, a friend had suggested this because of my issues with adverse side effects, and while it worked for a little while, many things began to unravel.
I was depressed more. I was tired more. I couldn't muster enough energy to motivate myself after my initial diagnosis of bipolar. I was in a very difficult situation trying out anything that could help alleviate my moods.
Bee pollen was a nice introduction, but once I hit my 23rd year something inside me had changed considerably. I was in a very dark place emotionally, I had no real feeling, I had no real date, I wasn't exactly employed (in the correct sense), as I was tripping over trying to keep busy. Once all of these collided, and my personal misgivings about society, and my role in it, I was very sad, and depressed.
This went on for a few years, I tried rekindling something with my case manager in that I wanted to take full advantage of the Lithium/Paxil option, but due to my insurance issues, this was blocked. So for awhile I sat in idle, twiddling about not knowing what day it was, whom was friend or foe.
When I moved due to the lack of family connection (which I suspect was contributing to my deep depression) I set out on a path for myself. I would not look back, nor would I volunteer where I was going to no one.
As I arrived to a new place, I would try out St. John's Wort in the summer of 1998, at first was odd, then I began having canker sores, and became very irritable. My poor roommate ended up getting a fair share of my bluntness, and obtuse behavior. Shuffling from that I would try out honey, some other unpronounceable product, and then that was that.
I knew something wasn't quite right, but I wasn't connecting to the right systems or processes to gain insight and clarity to where my head was at. Behavior wise I was all over the place, like a ping pong ball. So much of that period was rife with uncertainty, personal calamity, and bizarre traits.
B.
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Medication Part II: The Trials
Medication II: The Trials
Once you've accepted that medication is something that has to be used, the first thing to remember is that it is not the end. Really. It is simply a means to help with fluctuations with mood, and behavior, as it is in giving some type of normalcy.
But, each person is going to be vastly different in how they're body reacts to medication. For me it has been a long ordeal to get the right combination down, and because my physiology medications change often, or I've endured adverse side effects.
The first medication I took was for hyper activity disorder, a misdiagnose back in 1987, as then there wasn't a whole lot on the subject of bipolar disorder. The first thing I noticed was I was very lethargic, I put on considerable weight, and my moods were frumpy. I couldn't really participate in much as I was in this constant fog, which would labor for days at a time.
I spent a lot more time alone, as I just couldn't get into being a social creature. Having spent sometime in a facility for a purposes to recharge, and gain coping skills with my first diagnoses, it was apparent that something wasn't right.
I got into beadwork, I began to draw more, I had fantasy's about nerf basketball competitions, I watched a lot of movies, tried to be a good sport with playing racketball, and basketball, but I just didn't feel into it hence that isolationism aspect.
Though this respite was for 45 days, I remember each moment, each person I met, having to watch myself break down, looking through a window of how I was behaving around other people. I had a lot of trouble really controlling my emotions, I had immense difficultly staying on task with school, due to the medication. I remember staying in solitary a few times due to my obtuse behavior.
When I wasn't in solitary, my grace were slurpee's, and traveling to places I hadn't been to. When these would come up, I would be on my best behavior. I wanted to see what was out there, a ski lodge, bowling alley, a roller skate ring, a couple movies. Entertainment and going out were funded by the hospital, as I later learned came out of my parents pocket.
But, the one caveat here is that I knew that something wasn't right with what I was going through, where I was living was the albatross, and I later had to make amends to that effect. What I am saying here is that medication doesn't have to be the end of anything, but a starting place of exploration, unfolding and evolving. In my next post I'll talk more about my second trial and error with medication. Thanks for reading.
B.
Once you've accepted that medication is something that has to be used, the first thing to remember is that it is not the end. Really. It is simply a means to help with fluctuations with mood, and behavior, as it is in giving some type of normalcy.
But, each person is going to be vastly different in how they're body reacts to medication. For me it has been a long ordeal to get the right combination down, and because my physiology medications change often, or I've endured adverse side effects.
The first medication I took was for hyper activity disorder, a misdiagnose back in 1987, as then there wasn't a whole lot on the subject of bipolar disorder. The first thing I noticed was I was very lethargic, I put on considerable weight, and my moods were frumpy. I couldn't really participate in much as I was in this constant fog, which would labor for days at a time.
I spent a lot more time alone, as I just couldn't get into being a social creature. Having spent sometime in a facility for a purposes to recharge, and gain coping skills with my first diagnoses, it was apparent that something wasn't right.
I got into beadwork, I began to draw more, I had fantasy's about nerf basketball competitions, I watched a lot of movies, tried to be a good sport with playing racketball, and basketball, but I just didn't feel into it hence that isolationism aspect.
Though this respite was for 45 days, I remember each moment, each person I met, having to watch myself break down, looking through a window of how I was behaving around other people. I had a lot of trouble really controlling my emotions, I had immense difficultly staying on task with school, due to the medication. I remember staying in solitary a few times due to my obtuse behavior.
When I wasn't in solitary, my grace were slurpee's, and traveling to places I hadn't been to. When these would come up, I would be on my best behavior. I wanted to see what was out there, a ski lodge, bowling alley, a roller skate ring, a couple movies. Entertainment and going out were funded by the hospital, as I later learned came out of my parents pocket.
But, the one caveat here is that I knew that something wasn't right with what I was going through, where I was living was the albatross, and I later had to make amends to that effect. What I am saying here is that medication doesn't have to be the end of anything, but a starting place of exploration, unfolding and evolving. In my next post I'll talk more about my second trial and error with medication. Thanks for reading.
B.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Medication - When It Can Help
Medication - When it can help
My story with medication goes like so: Thioridazine (Mellaril) in 1987 at 50mg a pop. Second attempt at medication was in 1994, it was suggested I take Lithium, and Paroxetine (Paxil), Instead I opted for the help of Bee Pollen, which at first was a strange concept but I'll elaborate on later. Next came Citalopram Hydrobromide (Celexa) 60mg Prozac family?, Bupropion (Wellbutrin) 150mg, Ziprasidone (Geodon) 25mg, Aripiprazole (Abilify) 10mg, and Venlafaxine Hydrochloride Extended-Release (Effexor XR) started at 100mg, then finished at 175mg.
That is a mind mouth full there to chew on. So, the gist goes like so, bipolar requires medication management because of fluctuation of mood, depression, and highs and lows. Sometimes though the crux of taking medication can also have dire health complications as I've been accustomed to experiencing, along with seeing with other survivors of the disorder.
I am not making the grand declaration that medication is not good, what I am saying is that physiology plays a big role in whether I can take stuff based on if it will agree with me. Because of my type a lot those medications didn't work because I couldn't function in a positive capacity.
I've opted to do alternative means because of the medication problem. St. Johns Wart, Bee Pollen were a couple options at first worked, but after a longer duration of time I became more moodier and crabbier to be around. I then stumbled upon Benadryl.
For whatever reason I could function (somewhat) but I'm in a constant stupor because of the drowsy side effect. But my body has decided to revolt on that front and now I'm in search for something that won't give me great issue, or major health side effects.
I would of liked to been part of a functional medication that doesn't rob me of my energy, creativity, and drive. A lot of my fears seemed to stem from losing that control, and having to keep being who I am. I found in my more established years that I've tempered my assessment of medication and it can be something to help when waves start compounding.
In the next few series of posts I'll be writing here my experiences, and what I've gleamed with my time with medication. Hopefully this will help you in some way. Thanks for reading.
B.
My story with medication goes like so: Thioridazine (Mellaril) in 1987 at 50mg a pop. Second attempt at medication was in 1994, it was suggested I take Lithium, and Paroxetine (Paxil), Instead I opted for the help of Bee Pollen, which at first was a strange concept but I'll elaborate on later. Next came Citalopram Hydrobromide (Celexa) 60mg Prozac family?, Bupropion (Wellbutrin) 150mg, Ziprasidone (Geodon) 25mg, Aripiprazole (Abilify) 10mg, and Venlafaxine Hydrochloride Extended-Release (Effexor XR) started at 100mg, then finished at 175mg.
That is a mind mouth full there to chew on. So, the gist goes like so, bipolar requires medication management because of fluctuation of mood, depression, and highs and lows. Sometimes though the crux of taking medication can also have dire health complications as I've been accustomed to experiencing, along with seeing with other survivors of the disorder.
I am not making the grand declaration that medication is not good, what I am saying is that physiology plays a big role in whether I can take stuff based on if it will agree with me. Because of my type a lot those medications didn't work because I couldn't function in a positive capacity.
I've opted to do alternative means because of the medication problem. St. Johns Wart, Bee Pollen were a couple options at first worked, but after a longer duration of time I became more moodier and crabbier to be around. I then stumbled upon Benadryl.
For whatever reason I could function (somewhat) but I'm in a constant stupor because of the drowsy side effect. But my body has decided to revolt on that front and now I'm in search for something that won't give me great issue, or major health side effects.
I would of liked to been part of a functional medication that doesn't rob me of my energy, creativity, and drive. A lot of my fears seemed to stem from losing that control, and having to keep being who I am. I found in my more established years that I've tempered my assessment of medication and it can be something to help when waves start compounding.
In the next few series of posts I'll be writing here my experiences, and what I've gleamed with my time with medication. Hopefully this will help you in some way. Thanks for reading.
B.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Good Days & Bad Days
Good Days & Bad Days Learning to live with and struggle through
I like to think I am a pretty resilient individual. Conflicts within my head argue a lot when there is distortion happening around me. It often makes me socially awkward to a point of being left of unusual and vocally combative.
I choose not to give reason or meaning to the motivations that drive me to push people away, or give announcement to my misgivings. Inside my head lays many roads. Some are complete, others are not. There are rock pillars floating, with trees, living elements of grace, tangibility, and potential. There are other pillars that have negative calculators, broken memories, and torrid spots of dark emotion stickers.
Each of these can give rise to good days, or bad days depending on how I awake in the morning, or how the day progresses. It used to be that I would languish with certain emotions, and feel each wave cascading over me.
I would be the would be prisoner, held in by my unsure way to broach forth, and would have thoughts of what if scenarios playing out. Later as I understood my disorder, I came to the river of knowledge knowing how to to mitigate and endure what I was feeling.
Lately, I ache more now than I used to. I keep trying to fight it, and its become a crutch taking anti-inflammatory to manage. Shoulder and elbow issues seem to ebb and flow depending on weather, but I become irate as it begins to shape how I will endure and react in the day. This is a new construction to what I'm already dealing with. It conflates my wistful idealism, and puts harsh tomes of reflection in my being in the day.
This becomes an emotional albatross brought out by physical pain. I understand age, and that human fragility. Surgery and repair often can be a long process back. A phone call or a text message that annoys me will begin to unravel my emotional threads.
Sometimes I get annoyed very quickly, or frustrated to a point that I have to self-check. Being mindful of how I project my attitude is always an ongoing work in progress. If I am not in the mood that will carry outwards. If I am feeling frustrated that will be visual as well. It is here I endure so I can teach others and guide those whom aren't at my stage into a path that gives clarity, and direction.
These are not grandeur a-b-c-type dreams, I've calmed my torrent of schemes, and directed my energy towards something I can attain and reach. Again there are good days, and not so good days here as well. Many reasonable goals involve expectations I push myself into. I try very diligently to be as careful in assessing, and observing than making obtuse blanket statements about frustrations I am going through.
I've worked on generalizing, keeping in mind that there are many other viewpoints. I've lessened my harsh critique of what people listen to, and affiliation they reside. I've learned to bottle my passions, but be mindful of the words I say. Having bipolar on a bad day doesn't give me the right to be venomous and vindictive. I have to endure, stay resilient, and patient with my emotions. As they will pass into something else.
I am an ocean of all energy coursing through my veins, my blood pumping, and my heart pounding keeps me alive. I am mindful of my breathing, and remembering to say to myself "It's going to be okay" over and over. That not everything is the end of the world.
It takes personal reflection to understand what and where I reside. In my previous post thinking critically has given rise to another set of issues too, and that is sometimes I can't wait, but reactive. But I am not that same person. For me it isn't always a two way street. There are components that I must research out. Knowing whether or not its the right course of action, or a waste of energy. I am learning how to pick my battles carefully, and methodically.
This goes on day to day. Situation to situation. I hope this makes sense in a clear way. Thanks for reading.
B.
I like to think I am a pretty resilient individual. Conflicts within my head argue a lot when there is distortion happening around me. It often makes me socially awkward to a point of being left of unusual and vocally combative.
I choose not to give reason or meaning to the motivations that drive me to push people away, or give announcement to my misgivings. Inside my head lays many roads. Some are complete, others are not. There are rock pillars floating, with trees, living elements of grace, tangibility, and potential. There are other pillars that have negative calculators, broken memories, and torrid spots of dark emotion stickers.
Each of these can give rise to good days, or bad days depending on how I awake in the morning, or how the day progresses. It used to be that I would languish with certain emotions, and feel each wave cascading over me.
I would be the would be prisoner, held in by my unsure way to broach forth, and would have thoughts of what if scenarios playing out. Later as I understood my disorder, I came to the river of knowledge knowing how to to mitigate and endure what I was feeling.
Lately, I ache more now than I used to. I keep trying to fight it, and its become a crutch taking anti-inflammatory to manage. Shoulder and elbow issues seem to ebb and flow depending on weather, but I become irate as it begins to shape how I will endure and react in the day. This is a new construction to what I'm already dealing with. It conflates my wistful idealism, and puts harsh tomes of reflection in my being in the day.
This becomes an emotional albatross brought out by physical pain. I understand age, and that human fragility. Surgery and repair often can be a long process back. A phone call or a text message that annoys me will begin to unravel my emotional threads.
Sometimes I get annoyed very quickly, or frustrated to a point that I have to self-check. Being mindful of how I project my attitude is always an ongoing work in progress. If I am not in the mood that will carry outwards. If I am feeling frustrated that will be visual as well. It is here I endure so I can teach others and guide those whom aren't at my stage into a path that gives clarity, and direction.
These are not grandeur a-b-c-type dreams, I've calmed my torrent of schemes, and directed my energy towards something I can attain and reach. Again there are good days, and not so good days here as well. Many reasonable goals involve expectations I push myself into. I try very diligently to be as careful in assessing, and observing than making obtuse blanket statements about frustrations I am going through.
I've worked on generalizing, keeping in mind that there are many other viewpoints. I've lessened my harsh critique of what people listen to, and affiliation they reside. I've learned to bottle my passions, but be mindful of the words I say. Having bipolar on a bad day doesn't give me the right to be venomous and vindictive. I have to endure, stay resilient, and patient with my emotions. As they will pass into something else.
I am an ocean of all energy coursing through my veins, my blood pumping, and my heart pounding keeps me alive. I am mindful of my breathing, and remembering to say to myself "It's going to be okay" over and over. That not everything is the end of the world.
It takes personal reflection to understand what and where I reside. In my previous post thinking critically has given rise to another set of issues too, and that is sometimes I can't wait, but reactive. But I am not that same person. For me it isn't always a two way street. There are components that I must research out. Knowing whether or not its the right course of action, or a waste of energy. I am learning how to pick my battles carefully, and methodically.
This goes on day to day. Situation to situation. I hope this makes sense in a clear way. Thanks for reading.
B.
Risks vs Rewards
Risks vs Rewards Understanding where disorder begins and making good healthy decisions
Risks are part of everyday. One will walk to and from their residence. We drive in cars, fly in planes, go do our jobs. There are risks in everyday situations. I think where I got stuck was within myself and my perception of the world around me. I had this innate fear of not being able to connect or enjoy the world. I was wrapped up in minor mental hang ups because of perception.
I would often deflect, or get guidance to situations, and what I would get back would be the same theme, that if I want it bad enough I have to go through a lot to get there. The experience, the trials, etc. Once again the theme is perception, which can be a real pain to get around with a mood disorder.
But I would often nitpick the hell out of systems, jobs, people, locations, and the such. I would drive myself crazy thinking about aspects I couldn't control. I would spend countless hours alone, debating, deconstructing, and rebuilding systems. I can tell you it was a lot of wasted energy. But it taught me something very crucial about myself. I have the natural ability to be critical, and to analyze what is going on around me.
I had to learn how to channel this into a constructive way. To take risks on educated understanding, that the knowledge I have is valuable to my growth, and to where I am going. My journey isn't about avoidance, its about taking what I have learned, and gaining insight, and clarity to my overal view and understanding of the world I make.
Rewards have often been a non issue. Perhaps it is because I elected to keep striving, to not rest on anything. To make and endure on so I could see where I was going into further down the road. I am not an island, but there are moments where I do feel this way. That choices, and my overt critical thinking does me no good on quick decisions. But I am not an impulsive person. Kind of a declaration of a direct contradiction right there.
Risks are something that we all do without even knowing. Since our system depends on us keeping the ecosystem going i.e. grocery store, bus stops, insurance, diets, exercise, entertainment, you get the idea. Part of understanding risk is confidence. One has to have confidence in their self to be able to accept without remorse the reactions. We are accountable to movements and the things we say. That right there scared me.
I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could be confident with risks. I would try in vain to do tasks that I thought were important, but I would often be reminded of the strong undercurrent I was swimming against. A lot of my traction has been with a lot of failures. As I've spoken in another post, failures teach us something about our mood disorders, and that is truth.
Perception is often a very cruel mistress because she will taught me with ideas, and lofty schemes, but when I start out on the path something invariably goes awry. I then have to double back and start over because I missed something or I didn't do enough research. See what this does? It can literally drive a person to breaking. The false start/stop aspect was my life for twenty years.
I wasn't afraid to take risks, in fact I take risks, its a lot more clearer now, but then youth and mental disorders tend to conspire against a person with lofty expectations and dreams of a better life. Otherwise, what I am saying here is that it takes time. Risks are part of life. We all have learned at an early age the importance of picking our spots wisely, and maneuvering with that knowledge. Thanks for reading.
B.
Risks are part of everyday. One will walk to and from their residence. We drive in cars, fly in planes, go do our jobs. There are risks in everyday situations. I think where I got stuck was within myself and my perception of the world around me. I had this innate fear of not being able to connect or enjoy the world. I was wrapped up in minor mental hang ups because of perception.
I would often deflect, or get guidance to situations, and what I would get back would be the same theme, that if I want it bad enough I have to go through a lot to get there. The experience, the trials, etc. Once again the theme is perception, which can be a real pain to get around with a mood disorder.
But I would often nitpick the hell out of systems, jobs, people, locations, and the such. I would drive myself crazy thinking about aspects I couldn't control. I would spend countless hours alone, debating, deconstructing, and rebuilding systems. I can tell you it was a lot of wasted energy. But it taught me something very crucial about myself. I have the natural ability to be critical, and to analyze what is going on around me.
I had to learn how to channel this into a constructive way. To take risks on educated understanding, that the knowledge I have is valuable to my growth, and to where I am going. My journey isn't about avoidance, its about taking what I have learned, and gaining insight, and clarity to my overal view and understanding of the world I make.
Rewards have often been a non issue. Perhaps it is because I elected to keep striving, to not rest on anything. To make and endure on so I could see where I was going into further down the road. I am not an island, but there are moments where I do feel this way. That choices, and my overt critical thinking does me no good on quick decisions. But I am not an impulsive person. Kind of a declaration of a direct contradiction right there.
Risks are something that we all do without even knowing. Since our system depends on us keeping the ecosystem going i.e. grocery store, bus stops, insurance, diets, exercise, entertainment, you get the idea. Part of understanding risk is confidence. One has to have confidence in their self to be able to accept without remorse the reactions. We are accountable to movements and the things we say. That right there scared me.
I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could be confident with risks. I would try in vain to do tasks that I thought were important, but I would often be reminded of the strong undercurrent I was swimming against. A lot of my traction has been with a lot of failures. As I've spoken in another post, failures teach us something about our mood disorders, and that is truth.
Perception is often a very cruel mistress because she will taught me with ideas, and lofty schemes, but when I start out on the path something invariably goes awry. I then have to double back and start over because I missed something or I didn't do enough research. See what this does? It can literally drive a person to breaking. The false start/stop aspect was my life for twenty years.
I wasn't afraid to take risks, in fact I take risks, its a lot more clearer now, but then youth and mental disorders tend to conspire against a person with lofty expectations and dreams of a better life. Otherwise, what I am saying here is that it takes time. Risks are part of life. We all have learned at an early age the importance of picking our spots wisely, and maneuvering with that knowledge. Thanks for reading.
B.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Strengths and Positives - Inner Truths and Bipolar
Strengths and Positives Inner Truths and Bipolar
Personal power and self worth are hallmarks to maintaining balance, strength, individualism, and inner truth. Daily events will tax, stretch our sanity, and push our emotions to a point of splintering. The one key component is to understand with mood disorders the strength must come from within, with help from family.
I have often remissed numerous times on chances, and opportunities that have flown below the radar. I would have to stretch, pull, and pluck to grab something attainable. For some time I would feel worthless, insecure, and unsure of my motivations because situations would not pan out. But I would try again, and again like a stubborn persistent man only to realize later it wasn't meant for me.
I stopped planning on anything and tried to exist. Exist in a vacuum that was a protective sheath from people, criticisms, and holed myself into inner isolation. Humans need social interaction, being an isolationist whom needs to control ones environment can create friction with the self. Once I figured out that being alone all the time does not gain much but bitterness, anger, and emptiness.
Along in my journey of self discovery, exploration, one of the most uncharacteristic aspects I ever did was do damage to myself. It is a weird motif to witness ones own breakdown, but I hit a lowest point ever in my life, all I had was things, acquaintanceship, but little to remark on with experience. I also chose a very negative relationship that would be my catharsis for change.
I had to rebuild, take each day as it's own thing. Planning on small goals. Rebuild upon my self worth, and keys of inner strength. My character took a double negative impact, people who knew me didn't know the real me, and this ended up being a judgement against my character. When this befalls a person this very situation announced a clear truth to me, I realized I was alone.
I had sought validation, and acceptance with situations and people whom did not have my best interests in mind. I also learned that in order to succeed at something I believe in, I have to go at it alone. There is nothing wrong with having a viewpoint that does not gel with the status quo, in fact I find that to be my most admirable quality. I stick to my own guidance when it comes to fads, and the such.
All of my strength is in my strict sense of personal control. I weigh constantly the pros and cons. I research before I embark. These tools and skills I have gained in my life are put towards my future. I don't walk with tepidness, I walk with a purpose and intrepidity. Sometimes I can be inflexible on certain aspects because I know my limitations. I don't go outside of my limits, because I know what will happen.
I've spent years engrossed in a personal project that gave me insight into my predilections, I feel I am hungry for learning, open to traveling, and marveling at the human spirit. I've chosen to look at the positives rather than deconstruct because for a long time that was all I did.
No matter, one with bipolar and any other mood disorder the key thing is to remember that you must not get despondent. Life gives us many things to learn and challenge ourselves with. I couldn't be who I am without the lessons, and missteps in my journey. It has taken me awhile to accept that this is the norm, and I have to work within my limitations. Its not a weakness but guidance to where I am going.
So take some time to really look at your life, patterns, and the surroundings you've been accustomed to, look long and deeply about the point and where you are. I treat this as looking into the well of the deep self. Truth lay in not so mysterious places, and that there is a strength I've harnessed. Thanks for reading.
B.
Personal power and self worth are hallmarks to maintaining balance, strength, individualism, and inner truth. Daily events will tax, stretch our sanity, and push our emotions to a point of splintering. The one key component is to understand with mood disorders the strength must come from within, with help from family.
I have often remissed numerous times on chances, and opportunities that have flown below the radar. I would have to stretch, pull, and pluck to grab something attainable. For some time I would feel worthless, insecure, and unsure of my motivations because situations would not pan out. But I would try again, and again like a stubborn persistent man only to realize later it wasn't meant for me.
I stopped planning on anything and tried to exist. Exist in a vacuum that was a protective sheath from people, criticisms, and holed myself into inner isolation. Humans need social interaction, being an isolationist whom needs to control ones environment can create friction with the self. Once I figured out that being alone all the time does not gain much but bitterness, anger, and emptiness.
Along in my journey of self discovery, exploration, one of the most uncharacteristic aspects I ever did was do damage to myself. It is a weird motif to witness ones own breakdown, but I hit a lowest point ever in my life, all I had was things, acquaintanceship, but little to remark on with experience. I also chose a very negative relationship that would be my catharsis for change.
I had to rebuild, take each day as it's own thing. Planning on small goals. Rebuild upon my self worth, and keys of inner strength. My character took a double negative impact, people who knew me didn't know the real me, and this ended up being a judgement against my character. When this befalls a person this very situation announced a clear truth to me, I realized I was alone.
I had sought validation, and acceptance with situations and people whom did not have my best interests in mind. I also learned that in order to succeed at something I believe in, I have to go at it alone. There is nothing wrong with having a viewpoint that does not gel with the status quo, in fact I find that to be my most admirable quality. I stick to my own guidance when it comes to fads, and the such.
All of my strength is in my strict sense of personal control. I weigh constantly the pros and cons. I research before I embark. These tools and skills I have gained in my life are put towards my future. I don't walk with tepidness, I walk with a purpose and intrepidity. Sometimes I can be inflexible on certain aspects because I know my limitations. I don't go outside of my limits, because I know what will happen.
I've spent years engrossed in a personal project that gave me insight into my predilections, I feel I am hungry for learning, open to traveling, and marveling at the human spirit. I've chosen to look at the positives rather than deconstruct because for a long time that was all I did.
No matter, one with bipolar and any other mood disorder the key thing is to remember that you must not get despondent. Life gives us many things to learn and challenge ourselves with. I couldn't be who I am without the lessons, and missteps in my journey. It has taken me awhile to accept that this is the norm, and I have to work within my limitations. Its not a weakness but guidance to where I am going.
So take some time to really look at your life, patterns, and the surroundings you've been accustomed to, look long and deeply about the point and where you are. I treat this as looking into the well of the deep self. Truth lay in not so mysterious places, and that there is a strength I've harnessed. Thanks for reading.
B.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Self-Worth / Self Negativity
Self Worth / Self Negativity
Having a mental disorder gives me some creative insight and clarity. It has also provided me specifics with those experiences and to take credit for skills, and personal achievements along in my journey. One of the most difficult things I've had trouble with is taking credit for minor successes. A greater distinction with gaining successes as it teaches one about self worth. When one has a disorder this can often be an albatross to maneuver around.
Many of my trials in my journey have been markedly difficult, and when there was positive movement I tended to mitigate it, seeing only the negative side, and often ignoring personal accolades on the work I would complete.
It is true I am my own worst critic. I deal with ongoing personal issues that have carried on into my adult life. I've worked very hard to acknowledge those negative traits, and focused on treating them not as a burden, but as teachable milestones. Examples include learning to say thank you, using eye contact, being forthright, being cordial, and using self affirmations.
But sometimes things do not work out, that I often fail along the way. The thing I had to learn is that I tried my best even after failing. This has gone a lot farther than having instant successes, because I think those experiences have taught me valuable lessons about what I offer to the world. Since I haven't had the luxury of trying and failing with finding my place in the world in my youth, it just has taken me longer to figure it out.
The other aspect is that I would invariably self sabotage personal goals. I would self defeat myself before I got started, because of self doubts about my self worth, and the damages incurred by previous learned traits in my youth. I realized later that whatever I put my mind towards, I can succeed at it as long as I work on the critically smaller manageable goals to get there.
There are good days, and not so good days. It can be extremely hard not to fall back into old patterns, yet I've conquered the two things I couldn't before, and that involved not being victimized, or self sabotaging what I was doing. Sure I over think, and lament, but this is my process that allows me to get through those cascading waves.
For example, there was a job I had in the mid 90s, it was dealing with babysitting large properties, and keeping out unwanted guests. I had spent a few weeks with the company, got to know a few of the employees, and I felt genuinely okay to be there. One evening I was invited to a company meeting, and the vice president remarked I had the opportunity to go far because of my potential.
At that time I wasn't really clear on this comment. I felt like it was empty, and though he was very generous with his time, I couldn't accept the compliment. I was extremely bitter from prior issues with self worth, and the ongoing struggles with decompressing from those ingrained learned behaviors and reaction.
I sabotaged my work, time, and work ethic. I designed ways to be upset at slights, and would bring an unneeded attitude to the job. It soured those around me, I didn't trust anyone, or anybody. I was extremely judgmental, and rigid in my belief of people. I was inflexible to the point of caustic. You get the idea.
I want to make abundantly clear here, when someone gives compliments please take them with grace and humility. Then I lacked that component, and I would often remiss and wonder on my direction at that time. I'd sabotage myself because I couldn't accept graciously the compliment. I went on this bizarre journey where I would say and do inappropriate things to wreak havoc on alliances I made. A typical bipolar trait I later learned.
For each section I've embarked on, I've made unconscious decision to self sabotage, rather than accept it at face value. Even now I have to remember that age and temperament have given me some insight, and tools to accepting my worth, taking credit, and ownership of my situation with pride. But, there are days where I feel I can do better, yet this doesn't make sense, why? Because I expect a lot of myself, that I feel I should be doing something at all hours, that I have something to give but I struggle to balance this.
So, opening up a bit this is what my form of bipolar does. The waves aren't peaks and valley as much, but the thing that comes and goes is the value, and worth I have. I am very thankful to have a good support system to help me see these things. Thanks for reading.
B.
Having a mental disorder gives me some creative insight and clarity. It has also provided me specifics with those experiences and to take credit for skills, and personal achievements along in my journey. One of the most difficult things I've had trouble with is taking credit for minor successes. A greater distinction with gaining successes as it teaches one about self worth. When one has a disorder this can often be an albatross to maneuver around.
Many of my trials in my journey have been markedly difficult, and when there was positive movement I tended to mitigate it, seeing only the negative side, and often ignoring personal accolades on the work I would complete.
It is true I am my own worst critic. I deal with ongoing personal issues that have carried on into my adult life. I've worked very hard to acknowledge those negative traits, and focused on treating them not as a burden, but as teachable milestones. Examples include learning to say thank you, using eye contact, being forthright, being cordial, and using self affirmations.
But sometimes things do not work out, that I often fail along the way. The thing I had to learn is that I tried my best even after failing. This has gone a lot farther than having instant successes, because I think those experiences have taught me valuable lessons about what I offer to the world. Since I haven't had the luxury of trying and failing with finding my place in the world in my youth, it just has taken me longer to figure it out.
The other aspect is that I would invariably self sabotage personal goals. I would self defeat myself before I got started, because of self doubts about my self worth, and the damages incurred by previous learned traits in my youth. I realized later that whatever I put my mind towards, I can succeed at it as long as I work on the critically smaller manageable goals to get there.
There are good days, and not so good days. It can be extremely hard not to fall back into old patterns, yet I've conquered the two things I couldn't before, and that involved not being victimized, or self sabotaging what I was doing. Sure I over think, and lament, but this is my process that allows me to get through those cascading waves.
For example, there was a job I had in the mid 90s, it was dealing with babysitting large properties, and keeping out unwanted guests. I had spent a few weeks with the company, got to know a few of the employees, and I felt genuinely okay to be there. One evening I was invited to a company meeting, and the vice president remarked I had the opportunity to go far because of my potential.
At that time I wasn't really clear on this comment. I felt like it was empty, and though he was very generous with his time, I couldn't accept the compliment. I was extremely bitter from prior issues with self worth, and the ongoing struggles with decompressing from those ingrained learned behaviors and reaction.
I sabotaged my work, time, and work ethic. I designed ways to be upset at slights, and would bring an unneeded attitude to the job. It soured those around me, I didn't trust anyone, or anybody. I was extremely judgmental, and rigid in my belief of people. I was inflexible to the point of caustic. You get the idea.
I want to make abundantly clear here, when someone gives compliments please take them with grace and humility. Then I lacked that component, and I would often remiss and wonder on my direction at that time. I'd sabotage myself because I couldn't accept graciously the compliment. I went on this bizarre journey where I would say and do inappropriate things to wreak havoc on alliances I made. A typical bipolar trait I later learned.
For each section I've embarked on, I've made unconscious decision to self sabotage, rather than accept it at face value. Even now I have to remember that age and temperament have given me some insight, and tools to accepting my worth, taking credit, and ownership of my situation with pride. But, there are days where I feel I can do better, yet this doesn't make sense, why? Because I expect a lot of myself, that I feel I should be doing something at all hours, that I have something to give but I struggle to balance this.
So, opening up a bit this is what my form of bipolar does. The waves aren't peaks and valley as much, but the thing that comes and goes is the value, and worth I have. I am very thankful to have a good support system to help me see these things. Thanks for reading.
B.
Alliances / Loner (Isolationist)
Alliances / Loner (Isolationist)
In this post I'm talking about alliances and being a loner. These two constructions are vastly different in approach and execution. Whilst being an individual does have bonuses with standing and being committed to personal convictions, whereas having alliances gains traction, and sense of belonging.
A loner typically does not have this trait. A loner is someone whom is content with their own company, whom seeks fulfillment in personal goals, and is not swayed easily in any concept or socialized idiom.
Alliance is the ability to align with similar or like-minded people to causes, thought processes, and belief systems in that it embodies a society for the common good or ideal. Having a sound relationship with friends, good social interactions, and standing is grounds for alliance.
Having bipolar elicits both these foundations. Going at it alone gives me the ability to associate with self interests without being pressured into allegiances. The one downside with being a loner is that it carries significant social stigmas, and judgements which are misunderstood.
I've had to learn the hard way that people are going to be judgmental. That is the nature of things with life and bipolar. It is up to our personal self worth to distinguish between these two without becoming so distraught over it. Alliances and isolationism are so intertwined with politics, jobs, families, its a matter of walking ones inner path and mitigating them in the capacity of focusing on where we reside in recovery.
Plus these two take a delicate fine tuning component to be able to work. The biggest obstacle I have had is that sometimes I want to be isolated, whereas other times I seek social interaction. The challenges I have encountered are internalizing, or being out of place with my personality. It is hard not to be in my head a good portion of the time so this can create more conflict than usual.
The problems I have faced with bipolar and isolationism/alliances is that I would start questioning peoples motives, and internal motivations. It can really be a devastating thing to incur especially when one doesn't have the right tool to discern forth honest versus dishonest.
This can be a bit of bitter pill because as we grow into adulthood and having bipolar, these become amplified with people we don't know, or situations we aren't all that familiar with. Either way, the one thing to remember here is that no matter, its okay to have both of these elements. Sometimes one doesn't want a lot of attention or company, and other times its okay to be social. Its a matter of balancing the two and not heaving and chucking oneself to one side or the other.
Finally, alliances/isolationism is an environmental factor and how this function and designation effects bipolar. There is careful planning and learning new coping strategies, because life, friends, jobs, all manner of situations change. The one thing that has saved me is having strong ethics, personal accountability, and knowing the difference between hate, and understanding. Thanks for reading.
B.
In this post I'm talking about alliances and being a loner. These two constructions are vastly different in approach and execution. Whilst being an individual does have bonuses with standing and being committed to personal convictions, whereas having alliances gains traction, and sense of belonging.
A loner typically does not have this trait. A loner is someone whom is content with their own company, whom seeks fulfillment in personal goals, and is not swayed easily in any concept or socialized idiom.
Alliance is the ability to align with similar or like-minded people to causes, thought processes, and belief systems in that it embodies a society for the common good or ideal. Having a sound relationship with friends, good social interactions, and standing is grounds for alliance.
Having bipolar elicits both these foundations. Going at it alone gives me the ability to associate with self interests without being pressured into allegiances. The one downside with being a loner is that it carries significant social stigmas, and judgements which are misunderstood.
I've had to learn the hard way that people are going to be judgmental. That is the nature of things with life and bipolar. It is up to our personal self worth to distinguish between these two without becoming so distraught over it. Alliances and isolationism are so intertwined with politics, jobs, families, its a matter of walking ones inner path and mitigating them in the capacity of focusing on where we reside in recovery.
Plus these two take a delicate fine tuning component to be able to work. The biggest obstacle I have had is that sometimes I want to be isolated, whereas other times I seek social interaction. The challenges I have encountered are internalizing, or being out of place with my personality. It is hard not to be in my head a good portion of the time so this can create more conflict than usual.
The problems I have faced with bipolar and isolationism/alliances is that I would start questioning peoples motives, and internal motivations. It can really be a devastating thing to incur especially when one doesn't have the right tool to discern forth honest versus dishonest.
This can be a bit of bitter pill because as we grow into adulthood and having bipolar, these become amplified with people we don't know, or situations we aren't all that familiar with. Either way, the one thing to remember here is that no matter, its okay to have both of these elements. Sometimes one doesn't want a lot of attention or company, and other times its okay to be social. Its a matter of balancing the two and not heaving and chucking oneself to one side or the other.
Finally, alliances/isolationism is an environmental factor and how this function and designation effects bipolar. There is careful planning and learning new coping strategies, because life, friends, jobs, all manner of situations change. The one thing that has saved me is having strong ethics, personal accountability, and knowing the difference between hate, and understanding. Thanks for reading.
B.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Cycling Patterns
Cycling Patterns
In this post I'm elaborating on some of the more quirky and prickly constructions I've endured in my life. History is replete with repeating aspects, why certain individuals are built with confidence, domination, and fluidity. Wheres those with a disorder are castigated, and belittled for having this construction.
In my case, its often a circumstantial or often situational correspondence that leaves me with more thoughts, and stresses than I care to endure. It isn't that I don't have the tools to deal with it, on the contrary, for me its knowing that certain patterns repeat, or lessons I thought I had learned keep resurfacing.
It would be like a mother whom had a difficult time with raising her children alone, a father whom cared more for illicit substance abuse than to be part of a cohesive family, or any other dysfunction that distorts.
No matter, our character allows us to build upon these experiences, and though situations or by circumstance there is a level of history repeating. One of the most frustrating components for me is having to endure these iterations of being dragged through, or often forced into situations I have no want or need to be part of.
Hindsight is often a strange bedfellow, with bipolar this comes and goes like clouds in the sky, with occasional sun breaks. I'm of the opinion that no matter what I am doing, I'm accosted with these situations, and though I put on the good fight, I am worn down, and frankly I've become tired of dealing with it.
I suppose it comes down to what I want, what my needs are as a person, where am I going, how will I get there, stuff like that. But the inflection, and tone of which dealing with various uncontrollable elements that I for one do not want to partake in has me more flummoxed as to why this why now kind of thought.
Though I have a somewhat delicate situation that is unique to my own situation, I have to say that holding on the reins when so many outside elements are not aligning is a bit disconcerting as well. I've worked extremely hard to be where I am, I've endured so much, done without a great deal of the time, and I still feel as though I'm not ever quite to where I need to be.
These are components to what I deal with. These are challenges with maintaining solace, and comfort when certain situations present themselves repeatedly. It is not that I yearn for these situations to re-appear, its in the fact I get disappointed when I'm idling, or sitting in one place for long periods.
I think the challenge for me is to acknowledge that this is happening, and to find a way to maneuver with the tide, and embark on a journey that full fills my adventure, and not feel like I'm gliding through this existence. I know that I'm not alone, that other people struggle like I do, but I've questioned even this because it begins to look like being victimized, and I refuse to allow myself that feel this indignity.
B.
In this post I'm elaborating on some of the more quirky and prickly constructions I've endured in my life. History is replete with repeating aspects, why certain individuals are built with confidence, domination, and fluidity. Wheres those with a disorder are castigated, and belittled for having this construction.
In my case, its often a circumstantial or often situational correspondence that leaves me with more thoughts, and stresses than I care to endure. It isn't that I don't have the tools to deal with it, on the contrary, for me its knowing that certain patterns repeat, or lessons I thought I had learned keep resurfacing.
It would be like a mother whom had a difficult time with raising her children alone, a father whom cared more for illicit substance abuse than to be part of a cohesive family, or any other dysfunction that distorts.
No matter, our character allows us to build upon these experiences, and though situations or by circumstance there is a level of history repeating. One of the most frustrating components for me is having to endure these iterations of being dragged through, or often forced into situations I have no want or need to be part of.
Hindsight is often a strange bedfellow, with bipolar this comes and goes like clouds in the sky, with occasional sun breaks. I'm of the opinion that no matter what I am doing, I'm accosted with these situations, and though I put on the good fight, I am worn down, and frankly I've become tired of dealing with it.
I suppose it comes down to what I want, what my needs are as a person, where am I going, how will I get there, stuff like that. But the inflection, and tone of which dealing with various uncontrollable elements that I for one do not want to partake in has me more flummoxed as to why this why now kind of thought.
Though I have a somewhat delicate situation that is unique to my own situation, I have to say that holding on the reins when so many outside elements are not aligning is a bit disconcerting as well. I've worked extremely hard to be where I am, I've endured so much, done without a great deal of the time, and I still feel as though I'm not ever quite to where I need to be.
These are components to what I deal with. These are challenges with maintaining solace, and comfort when certain situations present themselves repeatedly. It is not that I yearn for these situations to re-appear, its in the fact I get disappointed when I'm idling, or sitting in one place for long periods.
I think the challenge for me is to acknowledge that this is happening, and to find a way to maneuver with the tide, and embark on a journey that full fills my adventure, and not feel like I'm gliding through this existence. I know that I'm not alone, that other people struggle like I do, but I've questioned even this because it begins to look like being victimized, and I refuse to allow myself that feel this indignity.
B.
Personal Distortions / Outward Distortions
Personal Distortions / Outward Distortions
In my life I've overcome obstacles inherited by a terse upbringing, whereas my social status as a young man was wrought with angst, and cognitive distortions brought out by a lack of compassion or understanding. I've struggled with maintaining a healthy balance of decent outlets for expression, plus I also had extreme rigidity towards authority figures.
It has taken me quite some time to infuse truthful and honest exploration of where those distortions arrived. Though I am no island (though I still have inclinations to believe this way), I sometimes feel as though I'm wadding through a thick paste of emotional dissonance.
When a person goes through bipolar, crucial life skill constructions begin to breakdown over a shortened duration. As with my situation once something begins to unravel or build up the best I can do is face it head on, and ride out the waves without losing my sanity in the process.
I've walked a solitary narrow path, this is brought about because of choices my younger self facilitated with personal protection. Some of the fears, and self second guessing were often self made, and I've lost crucial periods of time due to these distortions.
I'm in a much better place than where I was then, but I have to say its a constant struggle with all the trials. When I was younger I was an extremely outspoken and blunt. Often times I would argue for the sake of arguing, and to an average person that behavior never got me very far.
Through many iterations in my travels I've encountered the same comment: "The problem isn't us its you". To this effect I've wondered why this would be viewed in that context, until I figured out, wait a minute, its another distortion. People chose to like and behave how they want, I am just like anyone else but I've learned to be as direct and honest in my daily situations. I realized then that I had few real friends who had my interests in mind.
Part of why I write this here is to show how I worked through these distortions, and learned more or less that sometimes it is best to keep things to ourselves. Its also okay to take things slow, watch, and observe where people reside. I've also learned that sometimes my own company is okay, and that its not bad to just say I'm not interested. But on the flip side I've had to endure more alone time than most, I know that I've made progress with inner truths, and have come to distinct decisions based on evidence I've learned from.
I am a seasoned bipolar survivor. I make no real plans or have lofty expectations. My best qualities are honesty, creativity, and trustworthiness. The thing with my best qualities is they can turn into distortion, because as I think up something or situation, it can manifest into wildly vivid or unreasonable expectations. For me I've learned to trim down my vivid imagination, use critical thinking skills to assess, and modify my expectations with myself and how others have seen me.
Yet more challenges remain. Life hands me situations that I must face. I cannot run from them. I cannot hide from them. I have learned to accept them, and that I have a choice in the decision, or not. I've been adept at keeping others at a distance because I've had to fend and fight for each step along the way. It has been painful to say the least. The struggles and tribulations have also given to extreme stubbornness. My ongoing evolution of sorts will continue but I must learn to quiet the beast.
But, like with any situation whether it be family, work, or social, the key construction for managing personal distortions is understanding where they come from.
In my life I've overcome obstacles inherited by a terse upbringing, whereas my social status as a young man was wrought with angst, and cognitive distortions brought out by a lack of compassion or understanding. I've struggled with maintaining a healthy balance of decent outlets for expression, plus I also had extreme rigidity towards authority figures.
It has taken me quite some time to infuse truthful and honest exploration of where those distortions arrived. Though I am no island (though I still have inclinations to believe this way), I sometimes feel as though I'm wadding through a thick paste of emotional dissonance.
When a person goes through bipolar, crucial life skill constructions begin to breakdown over a shortened duration. As with my situation once something begins to unravel or build up the best I can do is face it head on, and ride out the waves without losing my sanity in the process.
I've walked a solitary narrow path, this is brought about because of choices my younger self facilitated with personal protection. Some of the fears, and self second guessing were often self made, and I've lost crucial periods of time due to these distortions.
I'm in a much better place than where I was then, but I have to say its a constant struggle with all the trials. When I was younger I was an extremely outspoken and blunt. Often times I would argue for the sake of arguing, and to an average person that behavior never got me very far.
Through many iterations in my travels I've encountered the same comment: "The problem isn't us its you". To this effect I've wondered why this would be viewed in that context, until I figured out, wait a minute, its another distortion. People chose to like and behave how they want, I am just like anyone else but I've learned to be as direct and honest in my daily situations. I realized then that I had few real friends who had my interests in mind.
Part of why I write this here is to show how I worked through these distortions, and learned more or less that sometimes it is best to keep things to ourselves. Its also okay to take things slow, watch, and observe where people reside. I've also learned that sometimes my own company is okay, and that its not bad to just say I'm not interested. But on the flip side I've had to endure more alone time than most, I know that I've made progress with inner truths, and have come to distinct decisions based on evidence I've learned from.
I am a seasoned bipolar survivor. I make no real plans or have lofty expectations. My best qualities are honesty, creativity, and trustworthiness. The thing with my best qualities is they can turn into distortion, because as I think up something or situation, it can manifest into wildly vivid or unreasonable expectations. For me I've learned to trim down my vivid imagination, use critical thinking skills to assess, and modify my expectations with myself and how others have seen me.
Yet more challenges remain. Life hands me situations that I must face. I cannot run from them. I cannot hide from them. I have learned to accept them, and that I have a choice in the decision, or not. I've been adept at keeping others at a distance because I've had to fend and fight for each step along the way. It has been painful to say the least. The struggles and tribulations have also given to extreme stubbornness. My ongoing evolution of sorts will continue but I must learn to quiet the beast.
But, like with any situation whether it be family, work, or social, the key construction for managing personal distortions is understanding where they come from.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Being Flexible: Learning to Adapt
Being Flexible: Learning To Adapt
Something of late has had me in reflective mode, and that is being flexible. Flexibility is something that can either make or break a person, or situation. Having the ability to think on the fly quickly without having to debate merits of pros and cons.
It isn't the same as being impulsive because in that situation its involving taking uncharacteristic chances with life that often ends in really bad outcomes. Being flexible involves a lot of self confidence and knowing how and when to be accountable for the action or reaction to a set of circumstances that will or is about to unfold.
There is a level of personal discretion in knowing when and how to elicit responses to outcomes fairly quickly and without second guessing. Each person is different in how they are flexible, whereas my situation this was a skill that wasn't taught to me in a critical way.
I would flail about, and make costly mistakes along the way. I have found in my travels people do wear their emotions on the outside, plus it doesn't help that there is a level of exclusionary tactics that combines for inflexible strategies.
Taking notice of this I would say something off handed, making curt observations to the fact, and this would hurt my intended (pretend stock) in the situation. Though our perceptions play a key role in how flexible we can be, ultimately though it comes down to choices we make.
This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. It really does take a keen and observant person to really key in on specifics. But where I've often struggled with flexibility is in my extreme rigidity. That often will undo or put a squash on a project, friendship, or any other manner of which stifles compassion, or understanding. As with another post, the theme is always environmental, and though I cannot control what others do, I often have to be the one who engages in flexible strategies.
Flexibility is something that involves patience, understanding, and steadiness. There is not a need for debating or questioning. Its a skill that takes practice, and for bipolar this is so paramount to know the differences. Reaction versus reacting, or put another way, finding and following your internal guide. Definitely something I was not prepared for when I became independent.
There are challenges, especially when you first start out, and I say this with folks of mental illness there is a lot of down time, there will be situations, conversations, and the such. For me the caveat is always making sure I have balance amongst what I am capable of. There are moments where I fall off and I have to pick myself back up because I made a slight miscalculation to choice or descision.
Don't be hard on yourself, there are good days, and there not so good days. The key is to accept, and and forgive yourself, and that in itself is being flexible. Thanks for reading.
B.
Something of late has had me in reflective mode, and that is being flexible. Flexibility is something that can either make or break a person, or situation. Having the ability to think on the fly quickly without having to debate merits of pros and cons.
It isn't the same as being impulsive because in that situation its involving taking uncharacteristic chances with life that often ends in really bad outcomes. Being flexible involves a lot of self confidence and knowing how and when to be accountable for the action or reaction to a set of circumstances that will or is about to unfold.
There is a level of personal discretion in knowing when and how to elicit responses to outcomes fairly quickly and without second guessing. Each person is different in how they are flexible, whereas my situation this was a skill that wasn't taught to me in a critical way.
I would flail about, and make costly mistakes along the way. I have found in my travels people do wear their emotions on the outside, plus it doesn't help that there is a level of exclusionary tactics that combines for inflexible strategies.
Taking notice of this I would say something off handed, making curt observations to the fact, and this would hurt my intended (pretend stock) in the situation. Though our perceptions play a key role in how flexible we can be, ultimately though it comes down to choices we make.
This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. It really does take a keen and observant person to really key in on specifics. But where I've often struggled with flexibility is in my extreme rigidity. That often will undo or put a squash on a project, friendship, or any other manner of which stifles compassion, or understanding. As with another post, the theme is always environmental, and though I cannot control what others do, I often have to be the one who engages in flexible strategies.
Flexibility is something that involves patience, understanding, and steadiness. There is not a need for debating or questioning. Its a skill that takes practice, and for bipolar this is so paramount to know the differences. Reaction versus reacting, or put another way, finding and following your internal guide. Definitely something I was not prepared for when I became independent.
There are challenges, especially when you first start out, and I say this with folks of mental illness there is a lot of down time, there will be situations, conversations, and the such. For me the caveat is always making sure I have balance amongst what I am capable of. There are moments where I fall off and I have to pick myself back up because I made a slight miscalculation to choice or descision.
Don't be hard on yourself, there are good days, and there not so good days. The key is to accept, and and forgive yourself, and that in itself is being flexible. Thanks for reading.
B.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Saying No(In A World Of Yes)
Saying No: (In A World Of Yes)
Take these examples:
I want you to manage 50 people with a fortune 500 company.
I want you to wash my car, watch the kids, make dinner, and paint the house.
I want you to be you, do what you think is the best for your day.
Each of these statements has a pronounce level of intensity. That intensity can overwhelm, which causes duress, and often can put one into complete panic mode. For the casual observer the thing that strikes people with mental illness isn't in the fact of living with, but also having to incur vocal iteration, inflection, tone, and body language as to what is happening in that moment.
All of this is happening consecutively with families, personal relationships, and employment. Somewhere in there, a balance has to be sought in order to find solace, and peace. Its not without its work though, bipolar for example takes a lot of effort controlling emotions/thoughts, incurring self management, and integrating positive construction with coping in a atmosphere of serenity, or toxicity.
In my ongoing recovery it is a process of creating healthy boundaries, and dedicated relationships that do not harm my development. I know what I can do, and I know I cannot do. I know exactly when my boundaries are being pushed, and when they are not. Overall it is important to say no when all avenues have been explored. That I am also respected for when I stand up for what I believe is right, and be respected in how I say and carry myself.
Invariably, there is going to be judgement. One cannot avoid that. It is the nature of the beast. But, where one can at least alleviate and tone of the toxicity, and boundary issues by taking that first step in exercising not being taken advantage of. In that chaos feeds chaos, drama feeds drama, and conflict...you get the idea. Once something snowballs, its hard to slow down.
With all of these things, one critical element that remains, I had to learn to say no, because of my designation, I didn't feel respected in what I could bring to the table. A lot of that I think is because there are those out there who take advantage of the unprepared. I made a conscious decision to stake claim to my life and not be ruled by others. It is important to understand what your offering, while keeping in mind the respect of your worth.
Saying no in a world of yes is so apt in today's landscape as things are changing, and there are divisions that have taken place with regards to work ethic, and self worth. It is paramount to stick your vision, and remember there will be other avenues, and endeavors that will open up. The key point here is to learn patience, as this is something of a misnomer with bipolar. Thanks for reading.
B
Take these examples:
I want you to manage 50 people with a fortune 500 company.
I want you to wash my car, watch the kids, make dinner, and paint the house.
I want you to be you, do what you think is the best for your day.
Each of these statements has a pronounce level of intensity. That intensity can overwhelm, which causes duress, and often can put one into complete panic mode. For the casual observer the thing that strikes people with mental illness isn't in the fact of living with, but also having to incur vocal iteration, inflection, tone, and body language as to what is happening in that moment.
All of this is happening consecutively with families, personal relationships, and employment. Somewhere in there, a balance has to be sought in order to find solace, and peace. Its not without its work though, bipolar for example takes a lot of effort controlling emotions/thoughts, incurring self management, and integrating positive construction with coping in a atmosphere of serenity, or toxicity.
In my ongoing recovery it is a process of creating healthy boundaries, and dedicated relationships that do not harm my development. I know what I can do, and I know I cannot do. I know exactly when my boundaries are being pushed, and when they are not. Overall it is important to say no when all avenues have been explored. That I am also respected for when I stand up for what I believe is right, and be respected in how I say and carry myself.
Invariably, there is going to be judgement. One cannot avoid that. It is the nature of the beast. But, where one can at least alleviate and tone of the toxicity, and boundary issues by taking that first step in exercising not being taken advantage of. In that chaos feeds chaos, drama feeds drama, and conflict...you get the idea. Once something snowballs, its hard to slow down.
With all of these things, one critical element that remains, I had to learn to say no, because of my designation, I didn't feel respected in what I could bring to the table. A lot of that I think is because there are those out there who take advantage of the unprepared. I made a conscious decision to stake claim to my life and not be ruled by others. It is important to understand what your offering, while keeping in mind the respect of your worth.
Saying no in a world of yes is so apt in today's landscape as things are changing, and there are divisions that have taken place with regards to work ethic, and self worth. It is paramount to stick your vision, and remember there will be other avenues, and endeavors that will open up. The key point here is to learn patience, as this is something of a misnomer with bipolar. Thanks for reading.
B
Struggles & Priorieties: A Balancing Act
Prioritizing and struggling to maintain a cohesive balance with mental illness is something rarely addresses in recovery. There are a lots of traps out there. Addictions, chaos, unfamiliarity, anxiety, changes, challenges of retaining emotional control, and boundaries are many good examples of how one can get sucked into old patterns.
Old patterns will die hard, and painfully. The more honest we are in our ongoing recovery, and how to throw away the chains that bind takes a lifetime. Don't let that scare you though, as this is going to be for the duration into the foreseeable future.
Priorities are what makes certain situations, tasks, and homework paramount for growth, and success. There is work, and there is time for play, a theme of prioritizing. But, there are struggles apparent with priorities because of unmet expectations of the self, or others, or unclear objectives that get clouded by miscommunication. Because lets face it humans by our very nature are emotional, conflicted, vocal, and aggressive creatures building on selfless or selfish needs.
Yet with communication, and having a good place to build upon each success takes patience, and trust of your situation (self). One of the common problems I've faced is expectation, because there is a whole lot of it out there. Where you might be okay with your situation, or recovery process, someone will often enter into the picture not by chance, but by manner of randomness. Its how we and our illness directs our recourse of mitigating that issue before it manifests into a larger problem.
Priorities are not the end but a process of living with and through mental illness. I can't count how many times I've chosen to recuse myself rather than just get through the event. There are going to be tasks you aren't going to like doing, and no matter the situation or feeling its just the way it is.
Whats broadcasted does influence some degree how priorities are made or kept, but there is a level of truth to which we must adhere towards with recovery and that is: we aren't the target, or the intended audience for that distortion. It brings up the point of the body image issues that young girls are subjected to as an example. But often it becomes an issue because of a taboo or societal conditioning that builds up this expectation.
Ultimately, prioritize what is important to you, if that means getting up, following a set routine then that is okay. I got to say that routines are not the bad guy either, it helps with recovery. Knowing what to expect (to some aspect), to follow your path and inner guidance is also useful. Never be afraid to try out new routines, as life is fluid and free to some extent.
So in this post remember that priorities are all over. Bills, rent, food, job, families, children, spouses, you get the idea. Thanks for reading.
B.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Making Decisions Triumph or Agony
In this post I will be focusing on making decisions with bipolar (you can apply this to other aspects of mental illness as well).
Life is going to throw us curves in our straight and laid out streets. Make no mistake though, there are challenges to having to make decisions on the fly, and sometimes those can be excruciatingly difficult when choices have to be made, or when to weigh out pros and cons. There is a lot that goes into making critical decisions, firstly: why, second: how do I maintain, and three: longevity is it attainable?
Lets take the first comment why: this is a very forthright question as to the meaning and complexity that is taking place, in my situation having to move. As moving involves having all kinds of complex things such as setting up moving vehicles, changing addresses, phone numbers, re-routing or forwarding all mail to the next place, having to clean up prior location, you get the idea.
Its a lot to digest in a short period of time, let alone having to grasp the construction around pack up and then unpack. For those with bipolar this is an arduous task of compartmentalizing each component. The challenge here is sticking to a planned out routine, having all information at hand, and knowing the outcome will be benefiting. In my past, I would often forget these crucial steps, and often I would be thrust into very disastrous situations that would feed my cycling.
Second how do I maintain: this goes in hand with the first why component. Stick to a plan, be flexible, but don't deviate from the intended goal. A lot of this involves strategy, and as a video game player I know when and where to use certain strategies, and when to go with it. Its harder said than done, if your in a good place i.e. medication, having a good functionality and maintaining healthy outlets and boundaries this shouldn't be an issue.
Third longevity is it attainable: here is the high stakes prize. If one has researched where and what, figured out a safe and sound place to reside in coming to a good conclusion this won't take to long to evaluate. For myself if I have to go over certain elements to try and make sense of the 'what if' scenario then I'm already giving myself to much room for complications to arise.
If I don't feel or trust what I am about to get into, the decision will become a very laborious process for those around me. Thusly I'll talk ad nauseam about whether or not the outcome is right or wrong, and often this compounds my decision making process even further. I think with having bipolar it is far more difficult making confident decisions because we are often flighty in jumping head first into situations without thinking it through. In my case this derives from personal trust issues.
Everything in life involves making quick decisions, or having planned out logical decisions. Someone once told me that in order to have great decision making ability it takes experience, and confidence to feel strong in that conviction, and steadfastly follow through. Yet there are some decisions that were made which seem like its a win win, but later turn out to be bad decisions based on a slight miscalculation. No ones perfect, and we can't always account for every permutation, as I often over analyze each decision before committing, which in turn drives my family and friends crazy.
Anyways, I hope this post will give some insight into how mental illness can wreak havoc on fundamental living, and maneuvering when it comes to making decisions. Thanks for reading.
B.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Confidence - Building On Inner Strength
One of the most conflicting aspects of bipolar and background is that depending where one has arrived, there are elements of personal acceptance, and weathering all types of tribulations, while attaining fluid situations with a positive construction.
Emotions play a major role in the flux of interchanging swings, and when one is not a place where they can know how to regulate there are moments when it feels impossible to get through. In regards to self-worth, and value, bipolar people are often conflicted within.
There are days where nothing can poke through the tough confident exterior, whereas there are days when it is Swiss cheese, and every doubt, question, and motivation seeps in. It is enough for the mental capacity to be in tattered debris.
I think in order to understand these parts, its absolutely important to know what personal boundaries are. Because I feel this is where the confidence aspect resides, plus having to understand where one resides in the world is paramount for individual recovery.
For me my bipolar tends to elicit a lot of self-doubt, questioning our whole purpose of existence, and frankly this is a negative viewpoint that does nothing but inhibits personsal potential. I'm not saying that doubt is counter productive, there are means and ways doubt can help be a motivating factor, but again it is in how its being utilized, and for those with bipolar (like myself) this can undo a lot of successes in a manner fairly quickly.
Researching is very important. Understand what you can accomplish, and what you've completed. These are starting points for recognizing inner confidence. But, also remember that in order to have accomplishments there is a lot of inner work to get there. Your life is what you want it to be, and whatever skill set, and system you adhere to, place importance upon the need to regulate doubt, constantly give yourself positive reinforcements that mean something to you.
It will take time, patience, and forthright honesty. Once you remove elements that inhibit progress, take time to appreciate what you've survived through, because these are experiences you can teach can help others with. Thanks for reading.
B.
Changes - Are Not The End Of The World
In life we grow, we experience events, trauma's, graduations, birth of children, marriage, etc. The one thread which binds together these situations is change. Change is not a bad word. Change is a healthy means of moving into a new phase, place, and personal growth. Without change nothing moves, and things stay the same. It is up to us with disorders to acknowledge this function as a normal process to life.
But, change cannot be done with duress, or in a chaotic situation(s). Change is a slow, natural progression, not a speedy, or distortion laden to this process. The key component is the need to make sure that one is residing in a healthy place. Draw strength from bonds, and truth from relationships that are respectful of the boundaries we set.
Change is paramount in helping us seek out and experience what we need to learn, and grow from. It motivates me at a deep level because I reside in a place that is positive, and constructed with safe outlets I can go to, along with having good personal boundaries.
There are two types of change, (1)outward what we see from the physical manifestations (seasons, age, buildings closing, streets renamed), whereas (2)internal is the feelings, knowledge, inner truths, and dialog we have within ourselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong feeling anxious for wanting something to be done, this is usually a knee jerk apparatus that hints at something within we haven't accepted yet. Which brings back the prior post about acceptance, this is so fundamentally important to have down first.
Change is where I think we gain insight, strength, and character. Bipolar and change are somewhat at odds as to whether trust, and go with the flow. For me I want it to be on my terms, and this is not always very productive. It takes a lot of strength for me to acknowledge when I'm in way over my head, and though I've become accustomed to evolving within, there are situations that often remind me of where I was, been, and what I was thinking. Thanks for reading.
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