Good Days & Bad Days

Good Days & Bad Days Learning to live with and struggle through

I like to think I am a pretty resilient individual. Conflicts within my head argue a lot when there is distortion happening around me. It often makes me socially awkward to a point of being left of unusual and vocally combative.

I choose not to give reason or meaning to the motivations that drive me to push people away, or give announcement to my misgivings. Inside my head lays many roads. Some are complete, others are not. There are rock pillars floating, with trees, living elements of grace, tangibility, and potential. There are other pillars that have negative calculators, broken memories, and torrid spots of dark emotion stickers.

Each of these can give rise to good days, or bad days depending on how I awake in the morning, or how the day progresses. It used to be that I would languish with certain emotions, and feel each wave cascading over me.

I would be the would be prisoner, held in by my unsure way to broach forth, and would have thoughts of what if scenarios playing out. Later as I understood my disorder, I came to the river of knowledge knowing how to to mitigate and endure what I was feeling.

Lately, I ache more now than I used to. I keep trying to fight it, and its become a crutch taking anti-inflammatory to manage. Shoulder and elbow issues seem to ebb and flow depending on weather, but I become irate as it begins to shape how I will endure and react in the day. This is a new construction to what I'm already dealing with. It conflates my wistful idealism, and puts harsh tomes of reflection in my being in the day.

This becomes an emotional albatross brought out by physical pain. I understand age, and that human fragility. Surgery and repair often can be a long process back. A phone call or a text message that annoys me will begin to unravel my emotional threads.

Sometimes I get annoyed very quickly, or frustrated to a point that I have to self-check. Being mindful of how I project my attitude is always an ongoing work in progress. If I am not in the mood that will carry outwards. If I am feeling frustrated that will be visual as well. It is here I endure so I can teach others and guide those whom aren't at my stage into a path that gives clarity, and direction.

These are not grandeur a-b-c-type dreams, I've calmed my torrent of schemes, and directed my energy towards something I can attain and reach. Again there are good days, and not so good days here as well. Many reasonable goals involve expectations I push myself into. I try very diligently to be as careful in assessing, and observing than making obtuse blanket statements about frustrations I am going through.

I've worked on generalizing, keeping in mind that there are many other viewpoints. I've lessened my harsh critique of what people listen to, and affiliation they reside. I've learned to bottle my passions, but be mindful of the words I say. Having bipolar on a bad day doesn't give me the right to be venomous and vindictive. I have to endure, stay resilient, and patient with my emotions. As they will pass into something else.

I am an ocean of all energy coursing through my veins, my blood pumping, and my heart pounding keeps me alive. I am mindful of my breathing, and remembering to say to myself "It's going to be okay" over and over. That not everything is the end of the world.

It takes personal reflection to understand what and where I reside. In my previous post thinking critically has given rise to another set of issues too, and that is sometimes I can't wait, but reactive. But I am not that same person. For me it isn't always a two way street. There are components that I must research out. Knowing whether or not its the right course of action, or a waste of energy. I am learning how to pick my battles carefully, and methodically.

This goes on day to day. Situation to situation. I hope this makes sense in a clear way. Thanks for reading.

B.

Risks vs Rewards

Risks vs Rewards Understanding where disorder begins and making good healthy decisions

Risks are part of everyday. One will walk to and from their residence. We drive in cars, fly in planes, go do our jobs. There are risks in everyday situations. I think where I got stuck was within myself and my perception of the world around me. I had this innate fear of not being able to connect or enjoy the world. I was wrapped up in minor mental hang ups because of perception.

I would often deflect, or get guidance to situations, and what I would get back would be the same theme, that if I want it bad enough I have to go through a lot to get there. The experience, the trials, etc. Once again the theme is perception, which can be a real pain to get around with a mood disorder.

But I would often nitpick the hell out of systems, jobs, people, locations, and the such. I would drive myself crazy thinking about aspects I couldn't control. I would spend countless hours alone, debating, deconstructing, and rebuilding systems. I can tell you it was a lot of wasted energy. But it taught me something very crucial about myself. I have the natural ability to be critical, and to analyze what is going on around me.

I had to learn how to channel this into a constructive way. To take risks on educated understanding, that the knowledge I have is valuable to my growth, and to where I am going. My journey isn't about avoidance, its about taking what I have learned, and gaining insight, and clarity to my overal view and understanding of the world I make.

Rewards have often been a non issue. Perhaps it is because I elected to keep striving, to not rest on anything. To make and endure on so I could see where I was going into further down the road. I am not an island, but there are moments where I do feel this way. That choices, and my overt critical thinking does me no good on quick decisions. But I am not an impulsive person. Kind of a declaration of a direct contradiction right there.

Risks are something that we all do without even knowing. Since our system depends on us keeping the ecosystem going i.e. grocery store, bus stops, insurance, diets, exercise, entertainment, you get the idea. Part of understanding risk is confidence. One has to have confidence in their self to be able to accept without remorse the reactions. We are accountable to movements and the things we say. That right there scared me.

I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could be confident with risks. I would try in vain to do tasks that I thought were important, but I would often be reminded of the strong undercurrent I was swimming against. A lot of my traction has been with a lot of failures. As I've spoken in another post, failures teach us something about our mood disorders, and that is truth.

Perception is often a very cruel mistress because she will taught me with ideas, and lofty schemes, but when I start out on the path something invariably goes awry. I then have to double back and start over because I missed something or I didn't do enough research. See what this does? It can literally drive a person to breaking. The false start/stop aspect was my life for twenty years.

I wasn't afraid to take risks, in fact I take risks, its a lot more clearer now, but then youth and mental disorders tend to conspire against a person with lofty expectations and dreams of a better life. Otherwise, what I am saying here is that it takes time. Risks are part of life. We all have learned at an early age the importance of picking our spots wisely, and maneuvering with that knowledge. Thanks for reading.

B.

Strengths and Positives - Inner Truths and Bipolar

Strengths and Positives  Inner Truths and Bipolar

Personal power and self worth are hallmarks to maintaining balance, strength, individualism, and inner truth. Daily events will tax, stretch our sanity, and push our emotions to a point of splintering. The one key component is to understand with mood disorders the strength must come from within, with help from family.

I have often remissed numerous times on chances, and opportunities that have flown below the radar. I would have to stretch, pull, and pluck to grab something attainable. For some time I would feel worthless, insecure, and unsure of my motivations because situations would not pan out. But I would try again, and again like a stubborn persistent man only to realize later it wasn't meant for me.

I stopped planning on anything and tried to exist. Exist in a vacuum that was a protective sheath from people, criticisms, and holed myself into inner isolation. Humans need social interaction, being an isolationist whom needs to control ones environment can create friction with the self. Once I figured out that being alone all the time does not gain much but bitterness, anger, and emptiness.

Along in my journey of self discovery, exploration, one of the most uncharacteristic aspects I ever did was do damage to myself. It is a weird motif to witness ones own breakdown, but I hit a lowest point ever in my life, all I had was things, acquaintanceship, but little to remark on with experience. I also chose a very negative relationship that would be my catharsis for change.

I had to rebuild, take each day as it's own thing. Planning on small goals. Rebuild upon my self worth, and keys of inner strength. My character took a double negative impact, people who knew me didn't know the real me, and this ended up being a judgement against my character. When this befalls a person this very situation announced a clear truth to me, I realized I was alone.

I had sought validation, and acceptance with situations and people whom did not have my best interests in mind. I also learned that in order to succeed at something I believe in, I have to go at it alone. There is nothing wrong with having a viewpoint that does not gel with the status quo, in fact I find that to be my most admirable quality. I stick to my own guidance when it comes to fads, and the such. 

All of my strength is in my strict sense of personal control. I weigh constantly the pros and cons. I research before I embark. These tools and skills I have gained in my life are put towards my future. I don't walk with tepidness, I walk with a purpose and intrepidity. Sometimes I can be inflexible on certain aspects because I know my limitations. I don't go outside of my limits, because I know what will happen.

I've spent years engrossed in a personal project that gave me insight into my predilections, I feel I am hungry for learning, open to traveling, and marveling at the human spirit. I've chosen to look at the positives rather than deconstruct because for a long time that was all I did.

No matter, one with bipolar and any other mood disorder the key thing is to remember that you must not get despondent. Life gives us many things to learn and challenge ourselves with. I couldn't be who I am without the lessons, and missteps in my journey. It has taken me awhile to accept that this is the norm, and I have to work within my limitations. Its not a weakness but guidance to where I am going.

So take some time to really look at your life, patterns, and the surroundings you've been accustomed to, look long and deeply about the point and where you are. I treat this as looking into the well of the deep self. Truth lay in not so mysterious places, and that there is a strength I've harnessed. Thanks for reading.

B.

Self-Worth / Self Negativity

Self Worth / Self Negativity

Having a mental disorder gives me some creative insight and clarity. It has also provided me specifics with those experiences and to take credit for skills, and personal achievements along in my journey. One of the most difficult things I've had trouble with is taking credit for minor successes. A greater distinction with gaining successes as it teaches one about self worth. When one has a disorder this can often be an albatross to maneuver around.

Many of my trials in my journey have been markedly difficult, and when there was positive movement I tended to mitigate it, seeing only the negative side,  and often ignoring personal accolades on the work I would complete.

It is true I am my own worst critic. I deal with ongoing personal issues that have carried on into my adult life. I've worked very hard to acknowledge those negative traits, and focused on treating them not as a burden, but as teachable milestones. Examples include learning to say thank you, using eye contact, being forthright, being cordial, and using self affirmations.

But sometimes things do not work out, that I often fail along the way. The thing I had to learn is that I tried my best even after failing. This has gone a lot farther than having instant successes, because I think those experiences have taught me valuable lessons about what I offer to the world. Since I haven't had the luxury of trying and failing with finding my place in the world in my youth, it just has taken me longer to figure it out.

The other aspect is that I would invariably self sabotage personal goals. I would self defeat myself before I got started, because of self doubts about my self worth, and the damages incurred by previous learned traits in my youth. I realized later that whatever I put my mind towards, I can succeed at it as long as I work on the critically smaller manageable goals to get there.

There are good days, and not so good days. It can be extremely hard not to fall back into old patterns, yet I've conquered the two things I couldn't before, and that involved not being victimized, or self sabotaging what I was doing. Sure I over think, and lament, but this is my process that allows me to get through those cascading waves.

For example, there was a job I had in the mid 90s, it was dealing with babysitting large properties, and keeping out unwanted guests. I had spent a few weeks with the company, got to know a few of the employees, and I felt genuinely okay to be there.  One evening I was invited to a company meeting, and the vice president remarked I had the opportunity to go far because of my potential.

At that time I wasn't really clear on this comment. I felt like it was empty, and though he was very generous with his time, I couldn't accept the compliment. I was extremely bitter from prior issues with self worth, and the ongoing struggles with decompressing from those ingrained learned behaviors and reaction.

I sabotaged my work, time, and work ethic. I designed ways to be upset at slights, and would bring an unneeded attitude to the job. It soured those around me, I didn't trust anyone, or anybody. I was extremely judgmental, and rigid in my belief of people. I was inflexible to the point of caustic. You get the idea.

I want to make abundantly clear here, when someone gives compliments please take them with grace and humility. Then I lacked that component, and I would often remiss and wonder on my direction at that time. I'd sabotage myself because I couldn't accept graciously the compliment. I went on this bizarre journey where I would say and do inappropriate things to wreak havoc on alliances I made. A typical bipolar trait I later learned.

For each section I've embarked on, I've made unconscious decision to self sabotage, rather than accept it at face value. Even now I have to remember that age and temperament have given me some insight, and tools to accepting my worth, taking credit, and ownership of my situation with pride. But, there are days where I feel I can do better, yet this doesn't make sense, why? Because I expect a lot of myself, that I feel I should be doing something at all hours, that I have something to give but I struggle to balance this.

So, opening up a bit this is what my form of bipolar does. The waves aren't peaks and valley as much, but the thing that comes and goes is the value, and worth I have. I am very thankful to have a good support system to help me see these things. Thanks for reading.

B.

Alliances / Loner (Isolationist)

Alliances / Loner (Isolationist)

In this post I'm talking about alliances and being a loner. These two constructions are vastly different in approach and execution. Whilst being an individual does have bonuses with standing and being committed to personal convictions, whereas having alliances gains traction, and sense of belonging.

A loner typically does not have this trait. A loner is someone whom is content with their own company, whom seeks fulfillment in personal goals, and is not swayed easily in any concept or socialized idiom.

Alliance is the ability to align with similar or like-minded people to causes, thought processes, and belief systems in that it embodies a society for the common good or ideal. Having a sound relationship with friends, good social interactions, and standing is grounds for alliance.

Having bipolar elicits both these foundations. Going at it alone gives me the ability to associate with self interests without being pressured into allegiances. The one downside with being a loner is that it carries significant social stigmas, and judgements which are misunderstood.

I've had to learn the hard way that people are going to be judgmental. That is the nature of things with life and bipolar. It is up to our personal self worth to distinguish between these two without becoming so distraught over it. Alliances and isolationism are so intertwined with politics, jobs, families, its a matter of walking ones inner path and mitigating them in the capacity of focusing on where we reside in recovery.

Plus these two take a delicate fine tuning component to be able to work. The biggest obstacle I have had is that sometimes I want to be isolated, whereas other times I seek social interaction. The challenges I have encountered are internalizing, or being out of place with my personality.  It is hard not to be in my head a good portion of the time so this can create more conflict than usual.

The problems I have faced with bipolar and isolationism/alliances is that I would start questioning peoples motives, and internal motivations. It can really be a devastating thing to incur especially when one doesn't have the right tool to discern forth honest versus dishonest.

This can be a bit of bitter pill because as we grow into adulthood and having bipolar, these become amplified with people we don't know, or situations we aren't all that familiar with. Either way, the one thing to remember here is that no matter, its okay to have both of these elements. Sometimes one doesn't want a lot of attention or company, and other times its okay to be social. Its a matter of balancing the two and not heaving and chucking oneself to one side or the other.

Finally, alliances/isolationism is an environmental factor and how this function and designation effects bipolar.  There is careful planning and learning new coping strategies, because life, friends, jobs, all manner of situations change. The one thing that has saved me is having strong ethics, personal accountability, and knowing the difference between hate, and understanding. Thanks for reading.

B.