Cycling Patterns
In this post I'm elaborating on some of the more quirky and prickly constructions I've endured in my life. History is replete with repeating aspects, why certain individuals are built with confidence, domination, and fluidity. Wheres those with a disorder are castigated, and belittled for having this construction.
In my case, its often a circumstantial or often situational correspondence that leaves me with more thoughts, and stresses than I care to endure. It isn't that I don't have the tools to deal with it, on the contrary, for me its knowing that certain patterns repeat, or lessons I thought I had learned keep resurfacing.
It would be like a mother whom had a difficult time with raising her children alone, a father whom cared more for illicit substance abuse than to be part of a cohesive family, or any other dysfunction that distorts.
No matter, our character allows us to build upon these experiences, and though situations or by circumstance there is a level of history repeating. One of the most frustrating components for me is having to endure these iterations of being dragged through, or often forced into situations I have no want or need to be part of.
Hindsight is often a strange bedfellow, with bipolar this comes and goes like clouds in the sky, with occasional sun breaks. I'm of the opinion that no matter what I am doing, I'm accosted with these situations, and though I put on the good fight, I am worn down, and frankly I've become tired of dealing with it.
I suppose it comes down to what I want, what my needs are as a person, where am I going, how will I get there, stuff like that. But the inflection, and tone of which dealing with various uncontrollable elements that I for one do not want to partake in has me more flummoxed as to why this why now kind of thought.
Though I have a somewhat delicate situation that is unique to my own situation, I have to say that holding on the reins when so many outside elements are not aligning is a bit disconcerting as well. I've worked extremely hard to be where I am, I've endured so much, done without a great deal of the time, and I still feel as though I'm not ever quite to where I need to be.
These are components to what I deal with. These are challenges with maintaining solace, and comfort when certain situations present themselves repeatedly. It is not that I yearn for these situations to re-appear, its in the fact I get disappointed when I'm idling, or sitting in one place for long periods.
I think the challenge for me is to acknowledge that this is happening, and to find a way to maneuver with the tide, and embark on a journey that full fills my adventure, and not feel like I'm gliding through this existence. I know that I'm not alone, that other people struggle like I do, but I've questioned even this because it begins to look like being victimized, and I refuse to allow myself that feel this indignity.
B.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Personal Distortions / Outward Distortions
Personal Distortions / Outward Distortions
In my life I've overcome obstacles inherited by a terse upbringing, whereas my social status as a young man was wrought with angst, and cognitive distortions brought out by a lack of compassion or understanding. I've struggled with maintaining a healthy balance of decent outlets for expression, plus I also had extreme rigidity towards authority figures.
It has taken me quite some time to infuse truthful and honest exploration of where those distortions arrived. Though I am no island (though I still have inclinations to believe this way), I sometimes feel as though I'm wadding through a thick paste of emotional dissonance.
When a person goes through bipolar, crucial life skill constructions begin to breakdown over a shortened duration. As with my situation once something begins to unravel or build up the best I can do is face it head on, and ride out the waves without losing my sanity in the process.
I've walked a solitary narrow path, this is brought about because of choices my younger self facilitated with personal protection. Some of the fears, and self second guessing were often self made, and I've lost crucial periods of time due to these distortions.
I'm in a much better place than where I was then, but I have to say its a constant struggle with all the trials. When I was younger I was an extremely outspoken and blunt. Often times I would argue for the sake of arguing, and to an average person that behavior never got me very far.
Through many iterations in my travels I've encountered the same comment: "The problem isn't us its you". To this effect I've wondered why this would be viewed in that context, until I figured out, wait a minute, its another distortion. People chose to like and behave how they want, I am just like anyone else but I've learned to be as direct and honest in my daily situations. I realized then that I had few real friends who had my interests in mind.
Part of why I write this here is to show how I worked through these distortions, and learned more or less that sometimes it is best to keep things to ourselves. Its also okay to take things slow, watch, and observe where people reside. I've also learned that sometimes my own company is okay, and that its not bad to just say I'm not interested. But on the flip side I've had to endure more alone time than most, I know that I've made progress with inner truths, and have come to distinct decisions based on evidence I've learned from.
I am a seasoned bipolar survivor. I make no real plans or have lofty expectations. My best qualities are honesty, creativity, and trustworthiness. The thing with my best qualities is they can turn into distortion, because as I think up something or situation, it can manifest into wildly vivid or unreasonable expectations. For me I've learned to trim down my vivid imagination, use critical thinking skills to assess, and modify my expectations with myself and how others have seen me.
Yet more challenges remain. Life hands me situations that I must face. I cannot run from them. I cannot hide from them. I have learned to accept them, and that I have a choice in the decision, or not. I've been adept at keeping others at a distance because I've had to fend and fight for each step along the way. It has been painful to say the least. The struggles and tribulations have also given to extreme stubbornness. My ongoing evolution of sorts will continue but I must learn to quiet the beast.
But, like with any situation whether it be family, work, or social, the key construction for managing personal distortions is understanding where they come from.
In my life I've overcome obstacles inherited by a terse upbringing, whereas my social status as a young man was wrought with angst, and cognitive distortions brought out by a lack of compassion or understanding. I've struggled with maintaining a healthy balance of decent outlets for expression, plus I also had extreme rigidity towards authority figures.
It has taken me quite some time to infuse truthful and honest exploration of where those distortions arrived. Though I am no island (though I still have inclinations to believe this way), I sometimes feel as though I'm wadding through a thick paste of emotional dissonance.
When a person goes through bipolar, crucial life skill constructions begin to breakdown over a shortened duration. As with my situation once something begins to unravel or build up the best I can do is face it head on, and ride out the waves without losing my sanity in the process.
I've walked a solitary narrow path, this is brought about because of choices my younger self facilitated with personal protection. Some of the fears, and self second guessing were often self made, and I've lost crucial periods of time due to these distortions.
I'm in a much better place than where I was then, but I have to say its a constant struggle with all the trials. When I was younger I was an extremely outspoken and blunt. Often times I would argue for the sake of arguing, and to an average person that behavior never got me very far.
Through many iterations in my travels I've encountered the same comment: "The problem isn't us its you". To this effect I've wondered why this would be viewed in that context, until I figured out, wait a minute, its another distortion. People chose to like and behave how they want, I am just like anyone else but I've learned to be as direct and honest in my daily situations. I realized then that I had few real friends who had my interests in mind.
Part of why I write this here is to show how I worked through these distortions, and learned more or less that sometimes it is best to keep things to ourselves. Its also okay to take things slow, watch, and observe where people reside. I've also learned that sometimes my own company is okay, and that its not bad to just say I'm not interested. But on the flip side I've had to endure more alone time than most, I know that I've made progress with inner truths, and have come to distinct decisions based on evidence I've learned from.
I am a seasoned bipolar survivor. I make no real plans or have lofty expectations. My best qualities are honesty, creativity, and trustworthiness. The thing with my best qualities is they can turn into distortion, because as I think up something or situation, it can manifest into wildly vivid or unreasonable expectations. For me I've learned to trim down my vivid imagination, use critical thinking skills to assess, and modify my expectations with myself and how others have seen me.
Yet more challenges remain. Life hands me situations that I must face. I cannot run from them. I cannot hide from them. I have learned to accept them, and that I have a choice in the decision, or not. I've been adept at keeping others at a distance because I've had to fend and fight for each step along the way. It has been painful to say the least. The struggles and tribulations have also given to extreme stubbornness. My ongoing evolution of sorts will continue but I must learn to quiet the beast.
But, like with any situation whether it be family, work, or social, the key construction for managing personal distortions is understanding where they come from.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Being Flexible: Learning to Adapt
Being Flexible: Learning To Adapt
Something of late has had me in reflective mode, and that is being flexible. Flexibility is something that can either make or break a person, or situation. Having the ability to think on the fly quickly without having to debate merits of pros and cons.
It isn't the same as being impulsive because in that situation its involving taking uncharacteristic chances with life that often ends in really bad outcomes. Being flexible involves a lot of self confidence and knowing how and when to be accountable for the action or reaction to a set of circumstances that will or is about to unfold.
There is a level of personal discretion in knowing when and how to elicit responses to outcomes fairly quickly and without second guessing. Each person is different in how they are flexible, whereas my situation this was a skill that wasn't taught to me in a critical way.
I would flail about, and make costly mistakes along the way. I have found in my travels people do wear their emotions on the outside, plus it doesn't help that there is a level of exclusionary tactics that combines for inflexible strategies.
Taking notice of this I would say something off handed, making curt observations to the fact, and this would hurt my intended (pretend stock) in the situation. Though our perceptions play a key role in how flexible we can be, ultimately though it comes down to choices we make.
This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. It really does take a keen and observant person to really key in on specifics. But where I've often struggled with flexibility is in my extreme rigidity. That often will undo or put a squash on a project, friendship, or any other manner of which stifles compassion, or understanding. As with another post, the theme is always environmental, and though I cannot control what others do, I often have to be the one who engages in flexible strategies.
Flexibility is something that involves patience, understanding, and steadiness. There is not a need for debating or questioning. Its a skill that takes practice, and for bipolar this is so paramount to know the differences. Reaction versus reacting, or put another way, finding and following your internal guide. Definitely something I was not prepared for when I became independent.
There are challenges, especially when you first start out, and I say this with folks of mental illness there is a lot of down time, there will be situations, conversations, and the such. For me the caveat is always making sure I have balance amongst what I am capable of. There are moments where I fall off and I have to pick myself back up because I made a slight miscalculation to choice or descision.
Don't be hard on yourself, there are good days, and there not so good days. The key is to accept, and and forgive yourself, and that in itself is being flexible. Thanks for reading.
B.
Something of late has had me in reflective mode, and that is being flexible. Flexibility is something that can either make or break a person, or situation. Having the ability to think on the fly quickly without having to debate merits of pros and cons.
It isn't the same as being impulsive because in that situation its involving taking uncharacteristic chances with life that often ends in really bad outcomes. Being flexible involves a lot of self confidence and knowing how and when to be accountable for the action or reaction to a set of circumstances that will or is about to unfold.
There is a level of personal discretion in knowing when and how to elicit responses to outcomes fairly quickly and without second guessing. Each person is different in how they are flexible, whereas my situation this was a skill that wasn't taught to me in a critical way.
I would flail about, and make costly mistakes along the way. I have found in my travels people do wear their emotions on the outside, plus it doesn't help that there is a level of exclusionary tactics that combines for inflexible strategies.
Taking notice of this I would say something off handed, making curt observations to the fact, and this would hurt my intended (pretend stock) in the situation. Though our perceptions play a key role in how flexible we can be, ultimately though it comes down to choices we make.
This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. It really does take a keen and observant person to really key in on specifics. But where I've often struggled with flexibility is in my extreme rigidity. That often will undo or put a squash on a project, friendship, or any other manner of which stifles compassion, or understanding. As with another post, the theme is always environmental, and though I cannot control what others do, I often have to be the one who engages in flexible strategies.
Flexibility is something that involves patience, understanding, and steadiness. There is not a need for debating or questioning. Its a skill that takes practice, and for bipolar this is so paramount to know the differences. Reaction versus reacting, or put another way, finding and following your internal guide. Definitely something I was not prepared for when I became independent.
There are challenges, especially when you first start out, and I say this with folks of mental illness there is a lot of down time, there will be situations, conversations, and the such. For me the caveat is always making sure I have balance amongst what I am capable of. There are moments where I fall off and I have to pick myself back up because I made a slight miscalculation to choice or descision.
Don't be hard on yourself, there are good days, and there not so good days. The key is to accept, and and forgive yourself, and that in itself is being flexible. Thanks for reading.
B.
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