Medication III: Tribulations of Alternative Methods
Once I got settled into my young adulthood, my second real stint with alternative (not medicine) would begin.
I tried bee pollen for about six months, a friend had suggested this because of my issues with adverse side effects, and while it worked for a little while, many things began to unravel.
I was depressed more. I was tired more. I couldn't muster enough energy to motivate myself after my initial diagnosis of bipolar. I was in a very difficult situation trying out anything that could help alleviate my moods.
Bee pollen was a nice introduction, but once I hit my 23rd year something inside me had changed considerably. I was in a very dark place emotionally, I had no real feeling, I had no real date, I wasn't exactly employed (in the correct sense), as I was tripping over trying to keep busy. Once all of these collided, and my personal misgivings about society, and my role in it, I was very sad, and depressed.
This went on for a few years, I tried rekindling something with my case manager in that I wanted to take full advantage of the Lithium/Paxil option, but due to my insurance issues, this was blocked. So for awhile I sat in idle, twiddling about not knowing what day it was, whom was friend or foe.
When I moved due to the lack of family connection (which I suspect was contributing to my deep depression) I set out on a path for myself. I would not look back, nor would I volunteer where I was going to no one.
As I arrived to a new place, I would try out St. John's Wort in the summer of 1998, at first was odd, then I began having canker sores, and became very irritable. My poor roommate ended up getting a fair share of my bluntness, and obtuse behavior. Shuffling from that I would try out honey, some other unpronounceable product, and then that was that.
I knew something wasn't quite right, but I wasn't connecting to the right systems or processes to gain insight and clarity to where my head was at. Behavior wise I was all over the place, like a ping pong ball. So much of that period was rife with uncertainty, personal calamity, and bizarre traits.
B.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Medication Part II: The Trials
Medication II: The Trials
Once you've accepted that medication is something that has to be used, the first thing to remember is that it is not the end. Really. It is simply a means to help with fluctuations with mood, and behavior, as it is in giving some type of normalcy.
But, each person is going to be vastly different in how they're body reacts to medication. For me it has been a long ordeal to get the right combination down, and because my physiology medications change often, or I've endured adverse side effects.
The first medication I took was for hyper activity disorder, a misdiagnose back in 1987, as then there wasn't a whole lot on the subject of bipolar disorder. The first thing I noticed was I was very lethargic, I put on considerable weight, and my moods were frumpy. I couldn't really participate in much as I was in this constant fog, which would labor for days at a time.
I spent a lot more time alone, as I just couldn't get into being a social creature. Having spent sometime in a facility for a purposes to recharge, and gain coping skills with my first diagnoses, it was apparent that something wasn't right.
I got into beadwork, I began to draw more, I had fantasy's about nerf basketball competitions, I watched a lot of movies, tried to be a good sport with playing racketball, and basketball, but I just didn't feel into it hence that isolationism aspect.
Though this respite was for 45 days, I remember each moment, each person I met, having to watch myself break down, looking through a window of how I was behaving around other people. I had a lot of trouble really controlling my emotions, I had immense difficultly staying on task with school, due to the medication. I remember staying in solitary a few times due to my obtuse behavior.
When I wasn't in solitary, my grace were slurpee's, and traveling to places I hadn't been to. When these would come up, I would be on my best behavior. I wanted to see what was out there, a ski lodge, bowling alley, a roller skate ring, a couple movies. Entertainment and going out were funded by the hospital, as I later learned came out of my parents pocket.
But, the one caveat here is that I knew that something wasn't right with what I was going through, where I was living was the albatross, and I later had to make amends to that effect. What I am saying here is that medication doesn't have to be the end of anything, but a starting place of exploration, unfolding and evolving. In my next post I'll talk more about my second trial and error with medication. Thanks for reading.
B.
Once you've accepted that medication is something that has to be used, the first thing to remember is that it is not the end. Really. It is simply a means to help with fluctuations with mood, and behavior, as it is in giving some type of normalcy.
But, each person is going to be vastly different in how they're body reacts to medication. For me it has been a long ordeal to get the right combination down, and because my physiology medications change often, or I've endured adverse side effects.
The first medication I took was for hyper activity disorder, a misdiagnose back in 1987, as then there wasn't a whole lot on the subject of bipolar disorder. The first thing I noticed was I was very lethargic, I put on considerable weight, and my moods were frumpy. I couldn't really participate in much as I was in this constant fog, which would labor for days at a time.
I spent a lot more time alone, as I just couldn't get into being a social creature. Having spent sometime in a facility for a purposes to recharge, and gain coping skills with my first diagnoses, it was apparent that something wasn't right.
I got into beadwork, I began to draw more, I had fantasy's about nerf basketball competitions, I watched a lot of movies, tried to be a good sport with playing racketball, and basketball, but I just didn't feel into it hence that isolationism aspect.
Though this respite was for 45 days, I remember each moment, each person I met, having to watch myself break down, looking through a window of how I was behaving around other people. I had a lot of trouble really controlling my emotions, I had immense difficultly staying on task with school, due to the medication. I remember staying in solitary a few times due to my obtuse behavior.
When I wasn't in solitary, my grace were slurpee's, and traveling to places I hadn't been to. When these would come up, I would be on my best behavior. I wanted to see what was out there, a ski lodge, bowling alley, a roller skate ring, a couple movies. Entertainment and going out were funded by the hospital, as I later learned came out of my parents pocket.
But, the one caveat here is that I knew that something wasn't right with what I was going through, where I was living was the albatross, and I later had to make amends to that effect. What I am saying here is that medication doesn't have to be the end of anything, but a starting place of exploration, unfolding and evolving. In my next post I'll talk more about my second trial and error with medication. Thanks for reading.
B.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Medication - When It Can Help
Medication - When it can help
My story with medication goes like so: Thioridazine (Mellaril) in 1987 at 50mg a pop. Second attempt at medication was in 1994, it was suggested I take Lithium, and Paroxetine (Paxil), Instead I opted for the help of Bee Pollen, which at first was a strange concept but I'll elaborate on later. Next came Citalopram Hydrobromide (Celexa) 60mg Prozac family?, Bupropion (Wellbutrin) 150mg, Ziprasidone (Geodon) 25mg, Aripiprazole (Abilify) 10mg, and Venlafaxine Hydrochloride Extended-Release (Effexor XR) started at 100mg, then finished at 175mg.
That is a mind mouth full there to chew on. So, the gist goes like so, bipolar requires medication management because of fluctuation of mood, depression, and highs and lows. Sometimes though the crux of taking medication can also have dire health complications as I've been accustomed to experiencing, along with seeing with other survivors of the disorder.
I am not making the grand declaration that medication is not good, what I am saying is that physiology plays a big role in whether I can take stuff based on if it will agree with me. Because of my type a lot those medications didn't work because I couldn't function in a positive capacity.
I've opted to do alternative means because of the medication problem. St. Johns Wart, Bee Pollen were a couple options at first worked, but after a longer duration of time I became more moodier and crabbier to be around. I then stumbled upon Benadryl.
For whatever reason I could function (somewhat) but I'm in a constant stupor because of the drowsy side effect. But my body has decided to revolt on that front and now I'm in search for something that won't give me great issue, or major health side effects.
I would of liked to been part of a functional medication that doesn't rob me of my energy, creativity, and drive. A lot of my fears seemed to stem from losing that control, and having to keep being who I am. I found in my more established years that I've tempered my assessment of medication and it can be something to help when waves start compounding.
In the next few series of posts I'll be writing here my experiences, and what I've gleamed with my time with medication. Hopefully this will help you in some way. Thanks for reading.
B.
My story with medication goes like so: Thioridazine (Mellaril) in 1987 at 50mg a pop. Second attempt at medication was in 1994, it was suggested I take Lithium, and Paroxetine (Paxil), Instead I opted for the help of Bee Pollen, which at first was a strange concept but I'll elaborate on later. Next came Citalopram Hydrobromide (Celexa) 60mg Prozac family?, Bupropion (Wellbutrin) 150mg, Ziprasidone (Geodon) 25mg, Aripiprazole (Abilify) 10mg, and Venlafaxine Hydrochloride Extended-Release (Effexor XR) started at 100mg, then finished at 175mg.
That is a mind mouth full there to chew on. So, the gist goes like so, bipolar requires medication management because of fluctuation of mood, depression, and highs and lows. Sometimes though the crux of taking medication can also have dire health complications as I've been accustomed to experiencing, along with seeing with other survivors of the disorder.
I am not making the grand declaration that medication is not good, what I am saying is that physiology plays a big role in whether I can take stuff based on if it will agree with me. Because of my type a lot those medications didn't work because I couldn't function in a positive capacity.
I've opted to do alternative means because of the medication problem. St. Johns Wart, Bee Pollen were a couple options at first worked, but after a longer duration of time I became more moodier and crabbier to be around. I then stumbled upon Benadryl.
For whatever reason I could function (somewhat) but I'm in a constant stupor because of the drowsy side effect. But my body has decided to revolt on that front and now I'm in search for something that won't give me great issue, or major health side effects.
I would of liked to been part of a functional medication that doesn't rob me of my energy, creativity, and drive. A lot of my fears seemed to stem from losing that control, and having to keep being who I am. I found in my more established years that I've tempered my assessment of medication and it can be something to help when waves start compounding.
In the next few series of posts I'll be writing here my experiences, and what I've gleamed with my time with medication. Hopefully this will help you in some way. Thanks for reading.
B.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Good Days & Bad Days
Good Days & Bad Days Learning to live with and struggle through
I like to think I am a pretty resilient individual. Conflicts within my head argue a lot when there is distortion happening around me. It often makes me socially awkward to a point of being left of unusual and vocally combative.
I choose not to give reason or meaning to the motivations that drive me to push people away, or give announcement to my misgivings. Inside my head lays many roads. Some are complete, others are not. There are rock pillars floating, with trees, living elements of grace, tangibility, and potential. There are other pillars that have negative calculators, broken memories, and torrid spots of dark emotion stickers.
Each of these can give rise to good days, or bad days depending on how I awake in the morning, or how the day progresses. It used to be that I would languish with certain emotions, and feel each wave cascading over me.
I would be the would be prisoner, held in by my unsure way to broach forth, and would have thoughts of what if scenarios playing out. Later as I understood my disorder, I came to the river of knowledge knowing how to to mitigate and endure what I was feeling.
Lately, I ache more now than I used to. I keep trying to fight it, and its become a crutch taking anti-inflammatory to manage. Shoulder and elbow issues seem to ebb and flow depending on weather, but I become irate as it begins to shape how I will endure and react in the day. This is a new construction to what I'm already dealing with. It conflates my wistful idealism, and puts harsh tomes of reflection in my being in the day.
This becomes an emotional albatross brought out by physical pain. I understand age, and that human fragility. Surgery and repair often can be a long process back. A phone call or a text message that annoys me will begin to unravel my emotional threads.
Sometimes I get annoyed very quickly, or frustrated to a point that I have to self-check. Being mindful of how I project my attitude is always an ongoing work in progress. If I am not in the mood that will carry outwards. If I am feeling frustrated that will be visual as well. It is here I endure so I can teach others and guide those whom aren't at my stage into a path that gives clarity, and direction.
These are not grandeur a-b-c-type dreams, I've calmed my torrent of schemes, and directed my energy towards something I can attain and reach. Again there are good days, and not so good days here as well. Many reasonable goals involve expectations I push myself into. I try very diligently to be as careful in assessing, and observing than making obtuse blanket statements about frustrations I am going through.
I've worked on generalizing, keeping in mind that there are many other viewpoints. I've lessened my harsh critique of what people listen to, and affiliation they reside. I've learned to bottle my passions, but be mindful of the words I say. Having bipolar on a bad day doesn't give me the right to be venomous and vindictive. I have to endure, stay resilient, and patient with my emotions. As they will pass into something else.
I am an ocean of all energy coursing through my veins, my blood pumping, and my heart pounding keeps me alive. I am mindful of my breathing, and remembering to say to myself "It's going to be okay" over and over. That not everything is the end of the world.
It takes personal reflection to understand what and where I reside. In my previous post thinking critically has given rise to another set of issues too, and that is sometimes I can't wait, but reactive. But I am not that same person. For me it isn't always a two way street. There are components that I must research out. Knowing whether or not its the right course of action, or a waste of energy. I am learning how to pick my battles carefully, and methodically.
This goes on day to day. Situation to situation. I hope this makes sense in a clear way. Thanks for reading.
B.
I like to think I am a pretty resilient individual. Conflicts within my head argue a lot when there is distortion happening around me. It often makes me socially awkward to a point of being left of unusual and vocally combative.
I choose not to give reason or meaning to the motivations that drive me to push people away, or give announcement to my misgivings. Inside my head lays many roads. Some are complete, others are not. There are rock pillars floating, with trees, living elements of grace, tangibility, and potential. There are other pillars that have negative calculators, broken memories, and torrid spots of dark emotion stickers.
Each of these can give rise to good days, or bad days depending on how I awake in the morning, or how the day progresses. It used to be that I would languish with certain emotions, and feel each wave cascading over me.
I would be the would be prisoner, held in by my unsure way to broach forth, and would have thoughts of what if scenarios playing out. Later as I understood my disorder, I came to the river of knowledge knowing how to to mitigate and endure what I was feeling.
Lately, I ache more now than I used to. I keep trying to fight it, and its become a crutch taking anti-inflammatory to manage. Shoulder and elbow issues seem to ebb and flow depending on weather, but I become irate as it begins to shape how I will endure and react in the day. This is a new construction to what I'm already dealing with. It conflates my wistful idealism, and puts harsh tomes of reflection in my being in the day.
This becomes an emotional albatross brought out by physical pain. I understand age, and that human fragility. Surgery and repair often can be a long process back. A phone call or a text message that annoys me will begin to unravel my emotional threads.
Sometimes I get annoyed very quickly, or frustrated to a point that I have to self-check. Being mindful of how I project my attitude is always an ongoing work in progress. If I am not in the mood that will carry outwards. If I am feeling frustrated that will be visual as well. It is here I endure so I can teach others and guide those whom aren't at my stage into a path that gives clarity, and direction.
These are not grandeur a-b-c-type dreams, I've calmed my torrent of schemes, and directed my energy towards something I can attain and reach. Again there are good days, and not so good days here as well. Many reasonable goals involve expectations I push myself into. I try very diligently to be as careful in assessing, and observing than making obtuse blanket statements about frustrations I am going through.
I've worked on generalizing, keeping in mind that there are many other viewpoints. I've lessened my harsh critique of what people listen to, and affiliation they reside. I've learned to bottle my passions, but be mindful of the words I say. Having bipolar on a bad day doesn't give me the right to be venomous and vindictive. I have to endure, stay resilient, and patient with my emotions. As they will pass into something else.
I am an ocean of all energy coursing through my veins, my blood pumping, and my heart pounding keeps me alive. I am mindful of my breathing, and remembering to say to myself "It's going to be okay" over and over. That not everything is the end of the world.
It takes personal reflection to understand what and where I reside. In my previous post thinking critically has given rise to another set of issues too, and that is sometimes I can't wait, but reactive. But I am not that same person. For me it isn't always a two way street. There are components that I must research out. Knowing whether or not its the right course of action, or a waste of energy. I am learning how to pick my battles carefully, and methodically.
This goes on day to day. Situation to situation. I hope this makes sense in a clear way. Thanks for reading.
B.
Risks vs Rewards
Risks vs Rewards Understanding where disorder begins and making good healthy decisions
Risks are part of everyday. One will walk to and from their residence. We drive in cars, fly in planes, go do our jobs. There are risks in everyday situations. I think where I got stuck was within myself and my perception of the world around me. I had this innate fear of not being able to connect or enjoy the world. I was wrapped up in minor mental hang ups because of perception.
I would often deflect, or get guidance to situations, and what I would get back would be the same theme, that if I want it bad enough I have to go through a lot to get there. The experience, the trials, etc. Once again the theme is perception, which can be a real pain to get around with a mood disorder.
But I would often nitpick the hell out of systems, jobs, people, locations, and the such. I would drive myself crazy thinking about aspects I couldn't control. I would spend countless hours alone, debating, deconstructing, and rebuilding systems. I can tell you it was a lot of wasted energy. But it taught me something very crucial about myself. I have the natural ability to be critical, and to analyze what is going on around me.
I had to learn how to channel this into a constructive way. To take risks on educated understanding, that the knowledge I have is valuable to my growth, and to where I am going. My journey isn't about avoidance, its about taking what I have learned, and gaining insight, and clarity to my overal view and understanding of the world I make.
Rewards have often been a non issue. Perhaps it is because I elected to keep striving, to not rest on anything. To make and endure on so I could see where I was going into further down the road. I am not an island, but there are moments where I do feel this way. That choices, and my overt critical thinking does me no good on quick decisions. But I am not an impulsive person. Kind of a declaration of a direct contradiction right there.
Risks are something that we all do without even knowing. Since our system depends on us keeping the ecosystem going i.e. grocery store, bus stops, insurance, diets, exercise, entertainment, you get the idea. Part of understanding risk is confidence. One has to have confidence in their self to be able to accept without remorse the reactions. We are accountable to movements and the things we say. That right there scared me.
I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could be confident with risks. I would try in vain to do tasks that I thought were important, but I would often be reminded of the strong undercurrent I was swimming against. A lot of my traction has been with a lot of failures. As I've spoken in another post, failures teach us something about our mood disorders, and that is truth.
Perception is often a very cruel mistress because she will taught me with ideas, and lofty schemes, but when I start out on the path something invariably goes awry. I then have to double back and start over because I missed something or I didn't do enough research. See what this does? It can literally drive a person to breaking. The false start/stop aspect was my life for twenty years.
I wasn't afraid to take risks, in fact I take risks, its a lot more clearer now, but then youth and mental disorders tend to conspire against a person with lofty expectations and dreams of a better life. Otherwise, what I am saying here is that it takes time. Risks are part of life. We all have learned at an early age the importance of picking our spots wisely, and maneuvering with that knowledge. Thanks for reading.
B.
Risks are part of everyday. One will walk to and from their residence. We drive in cars, fly in planes, go do our jobs. There are risks in everyday situations. I think where I got stuck was within myself and my perception of the world around me. I had this innate fear of not being able to connect or enjoy the world. I was wrapped up in minor mental hang ups because of perception.
I would often deflect, or get guidance to situations, and what I would get back would be the same theme, that if I want it bad enough I have to go through a lot to get there. The experience, the trials, etc. Once again the theme is perception, which can be a real pain to get around with a mood disorder.
But I would often nitpick the hell out of systems, jobs, people, locations, and the such. I would drive myself crazy thinking about aspects I couldn't control. I would spend countless hours alone, debating, deconstructing, and rebuilding systems. I can tell you it was a lot of wasted energy. But it taught me something very crucial about myself. I have the natural ability to be critical, and to analyze what is going on around me.
I had to learn how to channel this into a constructive way. To take risks on educated understanding, that the knowledge I have is valuable to my growth, and to where I am going. My journey isn't about avoidance, its about taking what I have learned, and gaining insight, and clarity to my overal view and understanding of the world I make.
Rewards have often been a non issue. Perhaps it is because I elected to keep striving, to not rest on anything. To make and endure on so I could see where I was going into further down the road. I am not an island, but there are moments where I do feel this way. That choices, and my overt critical thinking does me no good on quick decisions. But I am not an impulsive person. Kind of a declaration of a direct contradiction right there.
Risks are something that we all do without even knowing. Since our system depends on us keeping the ecosystem going i.e. grocery store, bus stops, insurance, diets, exercise, entertainment, you get the idea. Part of understanding risk is confidence. One has to have confidence in their self to be able to accept without remorse the reactions. We are accountable to movements and the things we say. That right there scared me.
I wasn't in a place where I felt like I could be confident with risks. I would try in vain to do tasks that I thought were important, but I would often be reminded of the strong undercurrent I was swimming against. A lot of my traction has been with a lot of failures. As I've spoken in another post, failures teach us something about our mood disorders, and that is truth.
Perception is often a very cruel mistress because she will taught me with ideas, and lofty schemes, but when I start out on the path something invariably goes awry. I then have to double back and start over because I missed something or I didn't do enough research. See what this does? It can literally drive a person to breaking. The false start/stop aspect was my life for twenty years.
I wasn't afraid to take risks, in fact I take risks, its a lot more clearer now, but then youth and mental disorders tend to conspire against a person with lofty expectations and dreams of a better life. Otherwise, what I am saying here is that it takes time. Risks are part of life. We all have learned at an early age the importance of picking our spots wisely, and maneuvering with that knowledge. Thanks for reading.
B.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Strengths and Positives - Inner Truths and Bipolar
Strengths and Positives Inner Truths and Bipolar
Personal power and self worth are hallmarks to maintaining balance, strength, individualism, and inner truth. Daily events will tax, stretch our sanity, and push our emotions to a point of splintering. The one key component is to understand with mood disorders the strength must come from within, with help from family.
I have often remissed numerous times on chances, and opportunities that have flown below the radar. I would have to stretch, pull, and pluck to grab something attainable. For some time I would feel worthless, insecure, and unsure of my motivations because situations would not pan out. But I would try again, and again like a stubborn persistent man only to realize later it wasn't meant for me.
I stopped planning on anything and tried to exist. Exist in a vacuum that was a protective sheath from people, criticisms, and holed myself into inner isolation. Humans need social interaction, being an isolationist whom needs to control ones environment can create friction with the self. Once I figured out that being alone all the time does not gain much but bitterness, anger, and emptiness.
Along in my journey of self discovery, exploration, one of the most uncharacteristic aspects I ever did was do damage to myself. It is a weird motif to witness ones own breakdown, but I hit a lowest point ever in my life, all I had was things, acquaintanceship, but little to remark on with experience. I also chose a very negative relationship that would be my catharsis for change.
I had to rebuild, take each day as it's own thing. Planning on small goals. Rebuild upon my self worth, and keys of inner strength. My character took a double negative impact, people who knew me didn't know the real me, and this ended up being a judgement against my character. When this befalls a person this very situation announced a clear truth to me, I realized I was alone.
I had sought validation, and acceptance with situations and people whom did not have my best interests in mind. I also learned that in order to succeed at something I believe in, I have to go at it alone. There is nothing wrong with having a viewpoint that does not gel with the status quo, in fact I find that to be my most admirable quality. I stick to my own guidance when it comes to fads, and the such.
All of my strength is in my strict sense of personal control. I weigh constantly the pros and cons. I research before I embark. These tools and skills I have gained in my life are put towards my future. I don't walk with tepidness, I walk with a purpose and intrepidity. Sometimes I can be inflexible on certain aspects because I know my limitations. I don't go outside of my limits, because I know what will happen.
I've spent years engrossed in a personal project that gave me insight into my predilections, I feel I am hungry for learning, open to traveling, and marveling at the human spirit. I've chosen to look at the positives rather than deconstruct because for a long time that was all I did.
No matter, one with bipolar and any other mood disorder the key thing is to remember that you must not get despondent. Life gives us many things to learn and challenge ourselves with. I couldn't be who I am without the lessons, and missteps in my journey. It has taken me awhile to accept that this is the norm, and I have to work within my limitations. Its not a weakness but guidance to where I am going.
So take some time to really look at your life, patterns, and the surroundings you've been accustomed to, look long and deeply about the point and where you are. I treat this as looking into the well of the deep self. Truth lay in not so mysterious places, and that there is a strength I've harnessed. Thanks for reading.
B.
Personal power and self worth are hallmarks to maintaining balance, strength, individualism, and inner truth. Daily events will tax, stretch our sanity, and push our emotions to a point of splintering. The one key component is to understand with mood disorders the strength must come from within, with help from family.
I have often remissed numerous times on chances, and opportunities that have flown below the radar. I would have to stretch, pull, and pluck to grab something attainable. For some time I would feel worthless, insecure, and unsure of my motivations because situations would not pan out. But I would try again, and again like a stubborn persistent man only to realize later it wasn't meant for me.
I stopped planning on anything and tried to exist. Exist in a vacuum that was a protective sheath from people, criticisms, and holed myself into inner isolation. Humans need social interaction, being an isolationist whom needs to control ones environment can create friction with the self. Once I figured out that being alone all the time does not gain much but bitterness, anger, and emptiness.
Along in my journey of self discovery, exploration, one of the most uncharacteristic aspects I ever did was do damage to myself. It is a weird motif to witness ones own breakdown, but I hit a lowest point ever in my life, all I had was things, acquaintanceship, but little to remark on with experience. I also chose a very negative relationship that would be my catharsis for change.
I had to rebuild, take each day as it's own thing. Planning on small goals. Rebuild upon my self worth, and keys of inner strength. My character took a double negative impact, people who knew me didn't know the real me, and this ended up being a judgement against my character. When this befalls a person this very situation announced a clear truth to me, I realized I was alone.
I had sought validation, and acceptance with situations and people whom did not have my best interests in mind. I also learned that in order to succeed at something I believe in, I have to go at it alone. There is nothing wrong with having a viewpoint that does not gel with the status quo, in fact I find that to be my most admirable quality. I stick to my own guidance when it comes to fads, and the such.
All of my strength is in my strict sense of personal control. I weigh constantly the pros and cons. I research before I embark. These tools and skills I have gained in my life are put towards my future. I don't walk with tepidness, I walk with a purpose and intrepidity. Sometimes I can be inflexible on certain aspects because I know my limitations. I don't go outside of my limits, because I know what will happen.
I've spent years engrossed in a personal project that gave me insight into my predilections, I feel I am hungry for learning, open to traveling, and marveling at the human spirit. I've chosen to look at the positives rather than deconstruct because for a long time that was all I did.
No matter, one with bipolar and any other mood disorder the key thing is to remember that you must not get despondent. Life gives us many things to learn and challenge ourselves with. I couldn't be who I am without the lessons, and missteps in my journey. It has taken me awhile to accept that this is the norm, and I have to work within my limitations. Its not a weakness but guidance to where I am going.
So take some time to really look at your life, patterns, and the surroundings you've been accustomed to, look long and deeply about the point and where you are. I treat this as looking into the well of the deep self. Truth lay in not so mysterious places, and that there is a strength I've harnessed. Thanks for reading.
B.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Self-Worth / Self Negativity
Self Worth / Self Negativity
Having a mental disorder gives me some creative insight and clarity. It has also provided me specifics with those experiences and to take credit for skills, and personal achievements along in my journey. One of the most difficult things I've had trouble with is taking credit for minor successes. A greater distinction with gaining successes as it teaches one about self worth. When one has a disorder this can often be an albatross to maneuver around.
Many of my trials in my journey have been markedly difficult, and when there was positive movement I tended to mitigate it, seeing only the negative side, and often ignoring personal accolades on the work I would complete.
It is true I am my own worst critic. I deal with ongoing personal issues that have carried on into my adult life. I've worked very hard to acknowledge those negative traits, and focused on treating them not as a burden, but as teachable milestones. Examples include learning to say thank you, using eye contact, being forthright, being cordial, and using self affirmations.
But sometimes things do not work out, that I often fail along the way. The thing I had to learn is that I tried my best even after failing. This has gone a lot farther than having instant successes, because I think those experiences have taught me valuable lessons about what I offer to the world. Since I haven't had the luxury of trying and failing with finding my place in the world in my youth, it just has taken me longer to figure it out.
The other aspect is that I would invariably self sabotage personal goals. I would self defeat myself before I got started, because of self doubts about my self worth, and the damages incurred by previous learned traits in my youth. I realized later that whatever I put my mind towards, I can succeed at it as long as I work on the critically smaller manageable goals to get there.
There are good days, and not so good days. It can be extremely hard not to fall back into old patterns, yet I've conquered the two things I couldn't before, and that involved not being victimized, or self sabotaging what I was doing. Sure I over think, and lament, but this is my process that allows me to get through those cascading waves.
For example, there was a job I had in the mid 90s, it was dealing with babysitting large properties, and keeping out unwanted guests. I had spent a few weeks with the company, got to know a few of the employees, and I felt genuinely okay to be there. One evening I was invited to a company meeting, and the vice president remarked I had the opportunity to go far because of my potential.
At that time I wasn't really clear on this comment. I felt like it was empty, and though he was very generous with his time, I couldn't accept the compliment. I was extremely bitter from prior issues with self worth, and the ongoing struggles with decompressing from those ingrained learned behaviors and reaction.
I sabotaged my work, time, and work ethic. I designed ways to be upset at slights, and would bring an unneeded attitude to the job. It soured those around me, I didn't trust anyone, or anybody. I was extremely judgmental, and rigid in my belief of people. I was inflexible to the point of caustic. You get the idea.
I want to make abundantly clear here, when someone gives compliments please take them with grace and humility. Then I lacked that component, and I would often remiss and wonder on my direction at that time. I'd sabotage myself because I couldn't accept graciously the compliment. I went on this bizarre journey where I would say and do inappropriate things to wreak havoc on alliances I made. A typical bipolar trait I later learned.
For each section I've embarked on, I've made unconscious decision to self sabotage, rather than accept it at face value. Even now I have to remember that age and temperament have given me some insight, and tools to accepting my worth, taking credit, and ownership of my situation with pride. But, there are days where I feel I can do better, yet this doesn't make sense, why? Because I expect a lot of myself, that I feel I should be doing something at all hours, that I have something to give but I struggle to balance this.
So, opening up a bit this is what my form of bipolar does. The waves aren't peaks and valley as much, but the thing that comes and goes is the value, and worth I have. I am very thankful to have a good support system to help me see these things. Thanks for reading.
B.
Having a mental disorder gives me some creative insight and clarity. It has also provided me specifics with those experiences and to take credit for skills, and personal achievements along in my journey. One of the most difficult things I've had trouble with is taking credit for minor successes. A greater distinction with gaining successes as it teaches one about self worth. When one has a disorder this can often be an albatross to maneuver around.
Many of my trials in my journey have been markedly difficult, and when there was positive movement I tended to mitigate it, seeing only the negative side, and often ignoring personal accolades on the work I would complete.
It is true I am my own worst critic. I deal with ongoing personal issues that have carried on into my adult life. I've worked very hard to acknowledge those negative traits, and focused on treating them not as a burden, but as teachable milestones. Examples include learning to say thank you, using eye contact, being forthright, being cordial, and using self affirmations.
But sometimes things do not work out, that I often fail along the way. The thing I had to learn is that I tried my best even after failing. This has gone a lot farther than having instant successes, because I think those experiences have taught me valuable lessons about what I offer to the world. Since I haven't had the luxury of trying and failing with finding my place in the world in my youth, it just has taken me longer to figure it out.
The other aspect is that I would invariably self sabotage personal goals. I would self defeat myself before I got started, because of self doubts about my self worth, and the damages incurred by previous learned traits in my youth. I realized later that whatever I put my mind towards, I can succeed at it as long as I work on the critically smaller manageable goals to get there.
There are good days, and not so good days. It can be extremely hard not to fall back into old patterns, yet I've conquered the two things I couldn't before, and that involved not being victimized, or self sabotaging what I was doing. Sure I over think, and lament, but this is my process that allows me to get through those cascading waves.
For example, there was a job I had in the mid 90s, it was dealing with babysitting large properties, and keeping out unwanted guests. I had spent a few weeks with the company, got to know a few of the employees, and I felt genuinely okay to be there. One evening I was invited to a company meeting, and the vice president remarked I had the opportunity to go far because of my potential.
At that time I wasn't really clear on this comment. I felt like it was empty, and though he was very generous with his time, I couldn't accept the compliment. I was extremely bitter from prior issues with self worth, and the ongoing struggles with decompressing from those ingrained learned behaviors and reaction.
I sabotaged my work, time, and work ethic. I designed ways to be upset at slights, and would bring an unneeded attitude to the job. It soured those around me, I didn't trust anyone, or anybody. I was extremely judgmental, and rigid in my belief of people. I was inflexible to the point of caustic. You get the idea.
I want to make abundantly clear here, when someone gives compliments please take them with grace and humility. Then I lacked that component, and I would often remiss and wonder on my direction at that time. I'd sabotage myself because I couldn't accept graciously the compliment. I went on this bizarre journey where I would say and do inappropriate things to wreak havoc on alliances I made. A typical bipolar trait I later learned.
For each section I've embarked on, I've made unconscious decision to self sabotage, rather than accept it at face value. Even now I have to remember that age and temperament have given me some insight, and tools to accepting my worth, taking credit, and ownership of my situation with pride. But, there are days where I feel I can do better, yet this doesn't make sense, why? Because I expect a lot of myself, that I feel I should be doing something at all hours, that I have something to give but I struggle to balance this.
So, opening up a bit this is what my form of bipolar does. The waves aren't peaks and valley as much, but the thing that comes and goes is the value, and worth I have. I am very thankful to have a good support system to help me see these things. Thanks for reading.
B.
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