Cycling Patterns
In this post I'm elaborating on some of the more quirky and prickly constructions I've endured in my life. History is replete with repeating aspects, why certain individuals are built with confidence, domination, and fluidity. Wheres those with a disorder are castigated, and belittled for having this construction.
In my case, its often a circumstantial or often situational correspondence that leaves me with more thoughts, and stresses than I care to endure. It isn't that I don't have the tools to deal with it, on the contrary, for me its knowing that certain patterns repeat, or lessons I thought I had learned keep resurfacing.
It would be like a mother whom had a difficult time with raising her children alone, a father whom cared more for illicit substance abuse than to be part of a cohesive family, or any other dysfunction that distorts.
No matter, our character allows us to build upon these experiences, and though situations or by circumstance there is a level of history repeating. One of the most frustrating components for me is having to endure these iterations of being dragged through, or often forced into situations I have no want or need to be part of.
Hindsight is often a strange bedfellow, with bipolar this comes and goes like clouds in the sky, with occasional sun breaks. I'm of the opinion that no matter what I am doing, I'm accosted with these situations, and though I put on the good fight, I am worn down, and frankly I've become tired of dealing with it.
I suppose it comes down to what I want, what my needs are as a person, where am I going, how will I get there, stuff like that. But the inflection, and tone of which dealing with various uncontrollable elements that I for one do not want to partake in has me more flummoxed as to why this why now kind of thought.
Though I have a somewhat delicate situation that is unique to my own situation, I have to say that holding on the reins when so many outside elements are not aligning is a bit disconcerting as well. I've worked extremely hard to be where I am, I've endured so much, done without a great deal of the time, and I still feel as though I'm not ever quite to where I need to be.
These are components to what I deal with. These are challenges with maintaining solace, and comfort when certain situations present themselves repeatedly. It is not that I yearn for these situations to re-appear, its in the fact I get disappointed when I'm idling, or sitting in one place for long periods.
I think the challenge for me is to acknowledge that this is happening, and to find a way to maneuver with the tide, and embark on a journey that full fills my adventure, and not feel like I'm gliding through this existence. I know that I'm not alone, that other people struggle like I do, but I've questioned even this because it begins to look like being victimized, and I refuse to allow myself that feel this indignity.
B.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Personal Distortions / Outward Distortions
Personal Distortions / Outward Distortions
In my life I've overcome obstacles inherited by a terse upbringing, whereas my social status as a young man was wrought with angst, and cognitive distortions brought out by a lack of compassion or understanding. I've struggled with maintaining a healthy balance of decent outlets for expression, plus I also had extreme rigidity towards authority figures.
It has taken me quite some time to infuse truthful and honest exploration of where those distortions arrived. Though I am no island (though I still have inclinations to believe this way), I sometimes feel as though I'm wadding through a thick paste of emotional dissonance.
When a person goes through bipolar, crucial life skill constructions begin to breakdown over a shortened duration. As with my situation once something begins to unravel or build up the best I can do is face it head on, and ride out the waves without losing my sanity in the process.
I've walked a solitary narrow path, this is brought about because of choices my younger self facilitated with personal protection. Some of the fears, and self second guessing were often self made, and I've lost crucial periods of time due to these distortions.
I'm in a much better place than where I was then, but I have to say its a constant struggle with all the trials. When I was younger I was an extremely outspoken and blunt. Often times I would argue for the sake of arguing, and to an average person that behavior never got me very far.
Through many iterations in my travels I've encountered the same comment: "The problem isn't us its you". To this effect I've wondered why this would be viewed in that context, until I figured out, wait a minute, its another distortion. People chose to like and behave how they want, I am just like anyone else but I've learned to be as direct and honest in my daily situations. I realized then that I had few real friends who had my interests in mind.
Part of why I write this here is to show how I worked through these distortions, and learned more or less that sometimes it is best to keep things to ourselves. Its also okay to take things slow, watch, and observe where people reside. I've also learned that sometimes my own company is okay, and that its not bad to just say I'm not interested. But on the flip side I've had to endure more alone time than most, I know that I've made progress with inner truths, and have come to distinct decisions based on evidence I've learned from.
I am a seasoned bipolar survivor. I make no real plans or have lofty expectations. My best qualities are honesty, creativity, and trustworthiness. The thing with my best qualities is they can turn into distortion, because as I think up something or situation, it can manifest into wildly vivid or unreasonable expectations. For me I've learned to trim down my vivid imagination, use critical thinking skills to assess, and modify my expectations with myself and how others have seen me.
Yet more challenges remain. Life hands me situations that I must face. I cannot run from them. I cannot hide from them. I have learned to accept them, and that I have a choice in the decision, or not. I've been adept at keeping others at a distance because I've had to fend and fight for each step along the way. It has been painful to say the least. The struggles and tribulations have also given to extreme stubbornness. My ongoing evolution of sorts will continue but I must learn to quiet the beast.
But, like with any situation whether it be family, work, or social, the key construction for managing personal distortions is understanding where they come from.
In my life I've overcome obstacles inherited by a terse upbringing, whereas my social status as a young man was wrought with angst, and cognitive distortions brought out by a lack of compassion or understanding. I've struggled with maintaining a healthy balance of decent outlets for expression, plus I also had extreme rigidity towards authority figures.
It has taken me quite some time to infuse truthful and honest exploration of where those distortions arrived. Though I am no island (though I still have inclinations to believe this way), I sometimes feel as though I'm wadding through a thick paste of emotional dissonance.
When a person goes through bipolar, crucial life skill constructions begin to breakdown over a shortened duration. As with my situation once something begins to unravel or build up the best I can do is face it head on, and ride out the waves without losing my sanity in the process.
I've walked a solitary narrow path, this is brought about because of choices my younger self facilitated with personal protection. Some of the fears, and self second guessing were often self made, and I've lost crucial periods of time due to these distortions.
I'm in a much better place than where I was then, but I have to say its a constant struggle with all the trials. When I was younger I was an extremely outspoken and blunt. Often times I would argue for the sake of arguing, and to an average person that behavior never got me very far.
Through many iterations in my travels I've encountered the same comment: "The problem isn't us its you". To this effect I've wondered why this would be viewed in that context, until I figured out, wait a minute, its another distortion. People chose to like and behave how they want, I am just like anyone else but I've learned to be as direct and honest in my daily situations. I realized then that I had few real friends who had my interests in mind.
Part of why I write this here is to show how I worked through these distortions, and learned more or less that sometimes it is best to keep things to ourselves. Its also okay to take things slow, watch, and observe where people reside. I've also learned that sometimes my own company is okay, and that its not bad to just say I'm not interested. But on the flip side I've had to endure more alone time than most, I know that I've made progress with inner truths, and have come to distinct decisions based on evidence I've learned from.
I am a seasoned bipolar survivor. I make no real plans or have lofty expectations. My best qualities are honesty, creativity, and trustworthiness. The thing with my best qualities is they can turn into distortion, because as I think up something or situation, it can manifest into wildly vivid or unreasonable expectations. For me I've learned to trim down my vivid imagination, use critical thinking skills to assess, and modify my expectations with myself and how others have seen me.
Yet more challenges remain. Life hands me situations that I must face. I cannot run from them. I cannot hide from them. I have learned to accept them, and that I have a choice in the decision, or not. I've been adept at keeping others at a distance because I've had to fend and fight for each step along the way. It has been painful to say the least. The struggles and tribulations have also given to extreme stubbornness. My ongoing evolution of sorts will continue but I must learn to quiet the beast.
But, like with any situation whether it be family, work, or social, the key construction for managing personal distortions is understanding where they come from.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Being Flexible: Learning to Adapt
Being Flexible: Learning To Adapt
Something of late has had me in reflective mode, and that is being flexible. Flexibility is something that can either make or break a person, or situation. Having the ability to think on the fly quickly without having to debate merits of pros and cons.
It isn't the same as being impulsive because in that situation its involving taking uncharacteristic chances with life that often ends in really bad outcomes. Being flexible involves a lot of self confidence and knowing how and when to be accountable for the action or reaction to a set of circumstances that will or is about to unfold.
There is a level of personal discretion in knowing when and how to elicit responses to outcomes fairly quickly and without second guessing. Each person is different in how they are flexible, whereas my situation this was a skill that wasn't taught to me in a critical way.
I would flail about, and make costly mistakes along the way. I have found in my travels people do wear their emotions on the outside, plus it doesn't help that there is a level of exclusionary tactics that combines for inflexible strategies.
Taking notice of this I would say something off handed, making curt observations to the fact, and this would hurt my intended (pretend stock) in the situation. Though our perceptions play a key role in how flexible we can be, ultimately though it comes down to choices we make.
This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. It really does take a keen and observant person to really key in on specifics. But where I've often struggled with flexibility is in my extreme rigidity. That often will undo or put a squash on a project, friendship, or any other manner of which stifles compassion, or understanding. As with another post, the theme is always environmental, and though I cannot control what others do, I often have to be the one who engages in flexible strategies.
Flexibility is something that involves patience, understanding, and steadiness. There is not a need for debating or questioning. Its a skill that takes practice, and for bipolar this is so paramount to know the differences. Reaction versus reacting, or put another way, finding and following your internal guide. Definitely something I was not prepared for when I became independent.
There are challenges, especially when you first start out, and I say this with folks of mental illness there is a lot of down time, there will be situations, conversations, and the such. For me the caveat is always making sure I have balance amongst what I am capable of. There are moments where I fall off and I have to pick myself back up because I made a slight miscalculation to choice or descision.
Don't be hard on yourself, there are good days, and there not so good days. The key is to accept, and and forgive yourself, and that in itself is being flexible. Thanks for reading.
B.
Something of late has had me in reflective mode, and that is being flexible. Flexibility is something that can either make or break a person, or situation. Having the ability to think on the fly quickly without having to debate merits of pros and cons.
It isn't the same as being impulsive because in that situation its involving taking uncharacteristic chances with life that often ends in really bad outcomes. Being flexible involves a lot of self confidence and knowing how and when to be accountable for the action or reaction to a set of circumstances that will or is about to unfold.
There is a level of personal discretion in knowing when and how to elicit responses to outcomes fairly quickly and without second guessing. Each person is different in how they are flexible, whereas my situation this was a skill that wasn't taught to me in a critical way.
I would flail about, and make costly mistakes along the way. I have found in my travels people do wear their emotions on the outside, plus it doesn't help that there is a level of exclusionary tactics that combines for inflexible strategies.
Taking notice of this I would say something off handed, making curt observations to the fact, and this would hurt my intended (pretend stock) in the situation. Though our perceptions play a key role in how flexible we can be, ultimately though it comes down to choices we make.
This has gotten me into trouble on many occasions. It really does take a keen and observant person to really key in on specifics. But where I've often struggled with flexibility is in my extreme rigidity. That often will undo or put a squash on a project, friendship, or any other manner of which stifles compassion, or understanding. As with another post, the theme is always environmental, and though I cannot control what others do, I often have to be the one who engages in flexible strategies.
Flexibility is something that involves patience, understanding, and steadiness. There is not a need for debating or questioning. Its a skill that takes practice, and for bipolar this is so paramount to know the differences. Reaction versus reacting, or put another way, finding and following your internal guide. Definitely something I was not prepared for when I became independent.
There are challenges, especially when you first start out, and I say this with folks of mental illness there is a lot of down time, there will be situations, conversations, and the such. For me the caveat is always making sure I have balance amongst what I am capable of. There are moments where I fall off and I have to pick myself back up because I made a slight miscalculation to choice or descision.
Don't be hard on yourself, there are good days, and there not so good days. The key is to accept, and and forgive yourself, and that in itself is being flexible. Thanks for reading.
B.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Saying No(In A World Of Yes)
Saying No: (In A World Of Yes)
Take these examples:
I want you to manage 50 people with a fortune 500 company.
I want you to wash my car, watch the kids, make dinner, and paint the house.
I want you to be you, do what you think is the best for your day.
Each of these statements has a pronounce level of intensity. That intensity can overwhelm, which causes duress, and often can put one into complete panic mode. For the casual observer the thing that strikes people with mental illness isn't in the fact of living with, but also having to incur vocal iteration, inflection, tone, and body language as to what is happening in that moment.
All of this is happening consecutively with families, personal relationships, and employment. Somewhere in there, a balance has to be sought in order to find solace, and peace. Its not without its work though, bipolar for example takes a lot of effort controlling emotions/thoughts, incurring self management, and integrating positive construction with coping in a atmosphere of serenity, or toxicity.
In my ongoing recovery it is a process of creating healthy boundaries, and dedicated relationships that do not harm my development. I know what I can do, and I know I cannot do. I know exactly when my boundaries are being pushed, and when they are not. Overall it is important to say no when all avenues have been explored. That I am also respected for when I stand up for what I believe is right, and be respected in how I say and carry myself.
Invariably, there is going to be judgement. One cannot avoid that. It is the nature of the beast. But, where one can at least alleviate and tone of the toxicity, and boundary issues by taking that first step in exercising not being taken advantage of. In that chaos feeds chaos, drama feeds drama, and conflict...you get the idea. Once something snowballs, its hard to slow down.
With all of these things, one critical element that remains, I had to learn to say no, because of my designation, I didn't feel respected in what I could bring to the table. A lot of that I think is because there are those out there who take advantage of the unprepared. I made a conscious decision to stake claim to my life and not be ruled by others. It is important to understand what your offering, while keeping in mind the respect of your worth.
Saying no in a world of yes is so apt in today's landscape as things are changing, and there are divisions that have taken place with regards to work ethic, and self worth. It is paramount to stick your vision, and remember there will be other avenues, and endeavors that will open up. The key point here is to learn patience, as this is something of a misnomer with bipolar. Thanks for reading.
B
Take these examples:
I want you to manage 50 people with a fortune 500 company.
I want you to wash my car, watch the kids, make dinner, and paint the house.
I want you to be you, do what you think is the best for your day.
Each of these statements has a pronounce level of intensity. That intensity can overwhelm, which causes duress, and often can put one into complete panic mode. For the casual observer the thing that strikes people with mental illness isn't in the fact of living with, but also having to incur vocal iteration, inflection, tone, and body language as to what is happening in that moment.
All of this is happening consecutively with families, personal relationships, and employment. Somewhere in there, a balance has to be sought in order to find solace, and peace. Its not without its work though, bipolar for example takes a lot of effort controlling emotions/thoughts, incurring self management, and integrating positive construction with coping in a atmosphere of serenity, or toxicity.
In my ongoing recovery it is a process of creating healthy boundaries, and dedicated relationships that do not harm my development. I know what I can do, and I know I cannot do. I know exactly when my boundaries are being pushed, and when they are not. Overall it is important to say no when all avenues have been explored. That I am also respected for when I stand up for what I believe is right, and be respected in how I say and carry myself.
Invariably, there is going to be judgement. One cannot avoid that. It is the nature of the beast. But, where one can at least alleviate and tone of the toxicity, and boundary issues by taking that first step in exercising not being taken advantage of. In that chaos feeds chaos, drama feeds drama, and conflict...you get the idea. Once something snowballs, its hard to slow down.
With all of these things, one critical element that remains, I had to learn to say no, because of my designation, I didn't feel respected in what I could bring to the table. A lot of that I think is because there are those out there who take advantage of the unprepared. I made a conscious decision to stake claim to my life and not be ruled by others. It is important to understand what your offering, while keeping in mind the respect of your worth.
Saying no in a world of yes is so apt in today's landscape as things are changing, and there are divisions that have taken place with regards to work ethic, and self worth. It is paramount to stick your vision, and remember there will be other avenues, and endeavors that will open up. The key point here is to learn patience, as this is something of a misnomer with bipolar. Thanks for reading.
B
Struggles & Priorieties: A Balancing Act
Prioritizing and struggling to maintain a cohesive balance with mental illness is something rarely addresses in recovery. There are a lots of traps out there. Addictions, chaos, unfamiliarity, anxiety, changes, challenges of retaining emotional control, and boundaries are many good examples of how one can get sucked into old patterns.
Old patterns will die hard, and painfully. The more honest we are in our ongoing recovery, and how to throw away the chains that bind takes a lifetime. Don't let that scare you though, as this is going to be for the duration into the foreseeable future.
Priorities are what makes certain situations, tasks, and homework paramount for growth, and success. There is work, and there is time for play, a theme of prioritizing. But, there are struggles apparent with priorities because of unmet expectations of the self, or others, or unclear objectives that get clouded by miscommunication. Because lets face it humans by our very nature are emotional, conflicted, vocal, and aggressive creatures building on selfless or selfish needs.
Yet with communication, and having a good place to build upon each success takes patience, and trust of your situation (self). One of the common problems I've faced is expectation, because there is a whole lot of it out there. Where you might be okay with your situation, or recovery process, someone will often enter into the picture not by chance, but by manner of randomness. Its how we and our illness directs our recourse of mitigating that issue before it manifests into a larger problem.
Priorities are not the end but a process of living with and through mental illness. I can't count how many times I've chosen to recuse myself rather than just get through the event. There are going to be tasks you aren't going to like doing, and no matter the situation or feeling its just the way it is.
Whats broadcasted does influence some degree how priorities are made or kept, but there is a level of truth to which we must adhere towards with recovery and that is: we aren't the target, or the intended audience for that distortion. It brings up the point of the body image issues that young girls are subjected to as an example. But often it becomes an issue because of a taboo or societal conditioning that builds up this expectation.
Ultimately, prioritize what is important to you, if that means getting up, following a set routine then that is okay. I got to say that routines are not the bad guy either, it helps with recovery. Knowing what to expect (to some aspect), to follow your path and inner guidance is also useful. Never be afraid to try out new routines, as life is fluid and free to some extent.
So in this post remember that priorities are all over. Bills, rent, food, job, families, children, spouses, you get the idea. Thanks for reading.
B.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Making Decisions Triumph or Agony
In this post I will be focusing on making decisions with bipolar (you can apply this to other aspects of mental illness as well).
Life is going to throw us curves in our straight and laid out streets. Make no mistake though, there are challenges to having to make decisions on the fly, and sometimes those can be excruciatingly difficult when choices have to be made, or when to weigh out pros and cons. There is a lot that goes into making critical decisions, firstly: why, second: how do I maintain, and three: longevity is it attainable?
Lets take the first comment why: this is a very forthright question as to the meaning and complexity that is taking place, in my situation having to move. As moving involves having all kinds of complex things such as setting up moving vehicles, changing addresses, phone numbers, re-routing or forwarding all mail to the next place, having to clean up prior location, you get the idea.
Its a lot to digest in a short period of time, let alone having to grasp the construction around pack up and then unpack. For those with bipolar this is an arduous task of compartmentalizing each component. The challenge here is sticking to a planned out routine, having all information at hand, and knowing the outcome will be benefiting. In my past, I would often forget these crucial steps, and often I would be thrust into very disastrous situations that would feed my cycling.
Second how do I maintain: this goes in hand with the first why component. Stick to a plan, be flexible, but don't deviate from the intended goal. A lot of this involves strategy, and as a video game player I know when and where to use certain strategies, and when to go with it. Its harder said than done, if your in a good place i.e. medication, having a good functionality and maintaining healthy outlets and boundaries this shouldn't be an issue.
Third longevity is it attainable: here is the high stakes prize. If one has researched where and what, figured out a safe and sound place to reside in coming to a good conclusion this won't take to long to evaluate. For myself if I have to go over certain elements to try and make sense of the 'what if' scenario then I'm already giving myself to much room for complications to arise.
If I don't feel or trust what I am about to get into, the decision will become a very laborious process for those around me. Thusly I'll talk ad nauseam about whether or not the outcome is right or wrong, and often this compounds my decision making process even further. I think with having bipolar it is far more difficult making confident decisions because we are often flighty in jumping head first into situations without thinking it through. In my case this derives from personal trust issues.
Everything in life involves making quick decisions, or having planned out logical decisions. Someone once told me that in order to have great decision making ability it takes experience, and confidence to feel strong in that conviction, and steadfastly follow through. Yet there are some decisions that were made which seem like its a win win, but later turn out to be bad decisions based on a slight miscalculation. No ones perfect, and we can't always account for every permutation, as I often over analyze each decision before committing, which in turn drives my family and friends crazy.
Anyways, I hope this post will give some insight into how mental illness can wreak havoc on fundamental living, and maneuvering when it comes to making decisions. Thanks for reading.
B.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Confidence - Building On Inner Strength
One of the most conflicting aspects of bipolar and background is that depending where one has arrived, there are elements of personal acceptance, and weathering all types of tribulations, while attaining fluid situations with a positive construction.
Emotions play a major role in the flux of interchanging swings, and when one is not a place where they can know how to regulate there are moments when it feels impossible to get through. In regards to self-worth, and value, bipolar people are often conflicted within.
There are days where nothing can poke through the tough confident exterior, whereas there are days when it is Swiss cheese, and every doubt, question, and motivation seeps in. It is enough for the mental capacity to be in tattered debris.
I think in order to understand these parts, its absolutely important to know what personal boundaries are. Because I feel this is where the confidence aspect resides, plus having to understand where one resides in the world is paramount for individual recovery.
For me my bipolar tends to elicit a lot of self-doubt, questioning our whole purpose of existence, and frankly this is a negative viewpoint that does nothing but inhibits personsal potential. I'm not saying that doubt is counter productive, there are means and ways doubt can help be a motivating factor, but again it is in how its being utilized, and for those with bipolar (like myself) this can undo a lot of successes in a manner fairly quickly.
Researching is very important. Understand what you can accomplish, and what you've completed. These are starting points for recognizing inner confidence. But, also remember that in order to have accomplishments there is a lot of inner work to get there. Your life is what you want it to be, and whatever skill set, and system you adhere to, place importance upon the need to regulate doubt, constantly give yourself positive reinforcements that mean something to you.
It will take time, patience, and forthright honesty. Once you remove elements that inhibit progress, take time to appreciate what you've survived through, because these are experiences you can teach can help others with. Thanks for reading.
B.
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