Medication V: Trying Lithium

Medication V: Trying Lithium


Late September 2013

So a week into my new venture of Lithium, a couple of things are pronounce. The fact yes there is cotton mouth, dry mouth is apparent. Though I do enough to drink plenty of liquids because of kidney stones, this hasn't been as worrisome as I would have expected it to be.

The drawback though is that it takes a little longer for me to unwind, but this I think is attributed to environmental stuff. Otherwise when stresses are pronounce I am able to keep level and modulate through the stress keeping in line with the construction of the 12 step program.

The other aspect is having to compete with making sure I follow a system. Specific routines have to be followed, hallmark in recovery. As time progresses I am at least hopeful this will translate into something substantial. There are a lot of things afoot.

*Update 1* October 2013

After spending sometime with Lithium, all I can say is my teeth hurt, there are some sizable acne, and various aches associated with joint, and muscle twitching. I feel calm, not out of the ordinary, but I am more-or-less not being melancholy yet that is hard with the seasonal change.

I am a lot more aware of the time, as I am feeling like things are slowed down to a point. But I am still dealing with the internal battle with my mind, and the fissures of feeling like I need to answer to someones expectation. This is a hard and engrained behavior that will take some work from me to break. I answer only to myself, and what I do not the other way around.

With taking Lithium I am very aware of the weight situation. So I am doing my best to limit what I eat in regards to sugars, more vegetables, fruits, and water. Working out isn't going to be something I am going to be doing, but walking, and biking are as close to what I can do to mitigate the onset.

As it gets closer to winter, some mild form of yoga is in store. This is what I must do to keep active.

*Update 2 November 2013*

In this updated post I had to change my medication time because of the up all night component. There is still dry mouth, now I have various acne forming. My skin feels cold at times, I also sweat more than usual. Thoughts come and go, but the main component is sticking to a routine.

I have to say that I do feel a big burden of time crushing me. There are good days, and then there are some pretty profoundly difficult days. Mitigating them takes inner strength, and using skills to get 'through' the waves.

Reality versus what I want are two different area codes I am still struggling with. Lithium has given me a bit of a blanket to waver through, but I still feel uneasy with my processing, and what I want to be doing with my time. Which are two different places that I cannot seem to get to co-exist in the same place. Which is odd, but this is my form of bipolar. Very strange to see how this has affected my life. I can only imagine how I have treated people with my bipolar in the 'all or nothing' situation.

Some serious food for thought, as I work through the Al Anon 12 step recovery with Bipolar skills. Thanks for reading.

B.

Waves & More Waves: Bipolar Spectrum

Waves & More Waves:  Bipolar Spectrum

Knowing the waves will come, and knowing how to work within the guidelines of the self.

For many bipolar is a ever crossing eave of destruction or pliable elation. Between these points are divots that can and will divert and plateau.

It is knowing when and where to step behind the (self) screen and acknowledge that these are the framework to the peaks and valleys of bipolar.

For me these represent two diametrically opposite points of view. In my younger days I was languishing, bearing my ferocious teeth in anger, displacing a lot of pent of energy upon myself, and those around me.

As I would later deconstruct, my anger became a coping mechanism brought out by protecting me from caustic, and dysfunctional situations. The energy component involved a lot of self damage. Running into objects, hurting, hitting, cutting, trying to find ways to feel alive as to dull the onslaught of deep emotional pain. I incurred major bouts of isolation from my peers, family, from that result bore a kind of social retardation.

As I got older and settled into my groove as it were, a lot the construction leveled out from various outside factors I couldn't control, situations that I didn't feel connected with, and the obvious self idling. I started to fracture and then I begin unraveling. In another post I describe how these situations will manifest, yet here I break it down into a more concrete way.

Whether or not the traction was positive or negative, the metrics of those results bore a lot of applicable frustration, mental perception notwithstanding why me why now, and a kind of implied social and individual torment.

As I grew into my bipolar I had to acknowledge how not to fall into these traps. Firstly I had to walk beside my emotions, analyze them, break them down into what I was experiencing. I then had to rework my understanding and reintegrate back into a kind of normal life.

I had to ply away from the knee jerk assessment or the intrepidity of my ego. Again environment has played a huge role in how I manage with bipolar, other times it is permutations of whether or not something works or doesn't. I wouldn't adhere to the luck of the draw, but I will acknowledge that there aspects I cannot control and I must let things be.

I learned how to walk away from the negative, and embrace a truth, and realism. There are challenges to my processes, yet I understood then that I can't allow myself to be swayed by my emotion, I had to take the tact of separation (watching the situation as it is, rather than what I think it is).

This takes considerable amount of practice. This has taken years of fine tuning, going through repetition, and making time to mend and heal from solitude into what I am now. Though I am not perfect, I accept what is rather than what isn't.

Seeing the waves come before they hit helps me understand how to get through the episodes. Sure medication helps, yet I elected a more strict point: accept and ride through. There are good days, and not so good days. Some waves are marginal, where others are gigantic mountains with wild ravenous animals waiting to attack.

Stepping aside from the steep cliffs that will spring up, I learned to acknowledge them, accept them, and embrace them without feeling overwhelmingly despondent. I hope this helps, thanks for reading.


B.

Medication IV: Test Subject

Medication IV: Test Subject

There I was in the fall of 1998 getting acclimated to a new agency. Fine tuning many of my more curious behavioral issues, and my mental state clamoring over finite issues. I would start out on Celexa, and then started taking Welbutrin in conjunction with Celexa.


When I started Celexa, I had numerous stomach problems. I was already having occasional kidney twinge pains from passing (3) kidney stones. Part of it stemmed from my Mountain Dew beverage intake (I thought), but once I started taking Celexa I had very bad stomach pains, and I taking many pit stops, a lot.

Then it was suggested that I take Welbutrin for sleeping and mood stabilization. Which at first was okay, but the Celexa medication was starting to wreck havoc on my sleep schedule. My relationship situation was very much weighted upon me trying to stay busy, where there wasn't whole lot going on. Which I think contributed to my problems integrating.

I took Celexa 25mg twice a day one in the morning and one at night. Welbutrin was 150mg once a day in the morning, which put me in sleep mode. I was smoking (at that time), so I was wondering if that contributed to my issues.

Then I took a break after 2002. I would pick up again with the medication option in 2005 because I was idling, getting back into that funk of sorts, as I could not pull myself through it. I was introduced to Geodon at 5mg which made me very lethargic, foggy, and grumpy. I then moved into Zypresidone for sleeping, as I got into another relationship, and I was night owl.

Then I got into Effexor XL 75mg (start) highest 175mg. At first seemed okay, but then I was having anxiety problems, I was stressed more, and I began to do damage to myself as I had no self control of my emotions. Due to a change living arrangements, this medication was promptly discontinued as per nurse practitioner.

Then came Lamictal 2mg. I was a full on rage mode. I couldn't sleep. I was very irritated. This medication lasted a week as it was wreaking havoc with people around me. I would promptly put the brakes on the medication for six months.

Once I started on my next journey, I was always busy. I couldn't really relax enough to find time to sleep. So I was given Seroquel 25mg for sleeping. At first worked great, but after awhile my head felt drippy. Nothing seemed to motivate me to pull out of the funk. I promptly stopped taking that after third month. I didn't like how I was feeling.

Then I moved into Benadryl. Three times a day, though it made me drowsy, I could at least function (somewhat). Though I would have the ups and downs with the cycling aspect, I was able to distance myself enough that I could maintain. I had to cut out the smoking, because this wasn't helping my cascading waves. On March 13th 2009, I quit smoking. So I literally was starting over with removing a ingrained addiction.

I've tempered my assessment to medication management. It is there to help, and keep some kind of balance. The key is finding the right combination. I'm still trying, but I'm wary and tired from the experiences.

I'm very private in my suffering and this kind of alludes a new kind of unease that I wasn't geared to accepting. Though I feel older, I feel robbed of a lot of great potential things, but I feel like punching the invisible wall for saying it. Frustrated isn't really going to solve what I feel somewhat.

I elected to do this on my own. To try and see if I could find my way through my tribulations. It has been difficult. In all of my attempts, something has yet to give me clarity, and guidance. I often wonder how long this will go on. As I'm not sure I can endure another tribulation of medication trials. Thanks for reading.

B.

Medication III: Tribulations of Alternative Methods

Medication III: Tribulations of Alternative Methods

Once I got settled into my young adulthood, my second real stint with alternative (not medicine) would begin.

I tried bee pollen for about six months, a friend had suggested this because of my issues with adverse side effects, and while it worked for a little while, many things began to unravel.

I was depressed more. I was tired more. I couldn't muster enough energy to motivate myself after my initial diagnosis of bipolar. I was in a very difficult situation trying out anything that could help alleviate my moods.

Bee pollen was a nice introduction, but once I hit my 23rd year something inside me had changed considerably. I was in a very dark place emotionally, I had no real feeling, I had no real date, I wasn't exactly employed (in the correct sense), as I was tripping over trying to keep busy. Once all of these collided, and my personal misgivings about society, and my role in it, I was very sad, and depressed.

This went on for a few years, I tried rekindling something with my case manager in that I wanted to take full advantage of the Lithium/Paxil option, but due to my insurance issues, this was blocked. So for awhile I sat in idle, twiddling about not knowing what day it was, whom was friend or foe.

When I moved due to the lack of family connection (which I suspect was contributing to my deep depression) I set out on a path for myself. I would not look back, nor would I volunteer where I was going to no one.

As I arrived to a new place, I would try out St. John's Wort in the summer of 1998, at first was odd, then I began having canker sores, and became very irritable. My poor roommate ended up getting a fair share of my bluntness, and obtuse behavior. Shuffling from that I would try out honey, some other unpronounceable product, and then that was that.

I knew something wasn't quite right, but I wasn't connecting to the right systems or processes to gain insight and clarity to where my head was at. Behavior wise I was all over the place, like a ping pong ball. So much of that period was rife with uncertainty, personal calamity, and bizarre traits.

B.

Medication Part II: The Trials

Medication II: The Trials

Once you've accepted that medication is something that has to be used, the first thing to remember is that it is not the end. Really. It is simply a means to help with fluctuations with mood, and behavior, as it is in giving some type of normalcy.

But, each person is going to be vastly different in how they're body reacts to medication. For me it has been a long ordeal to get the right combination down, and because my physiology medications change often, or I've endured adverse side effects.

The first medication I took was for hyper activity disorder, a misdiagnose back in 1987, as then there wasn't a whole lot on the subject of bipolar disorder. The first thing I noticed was I was very lethargic, I put on considerable weight, and my moods were frumpy. I couldn't really participate in much as I was in this constant fog, which would labor for days at a time.

I spent a lot more time alone, as I just couldn't get into being a social creature. Having spent sometime in a facility for a purposes to recharge, and gain coping skills with my first diagnoses, it was apparent that something wasn't right.

I got into beadwork, I began to draw more, I had fantasy's about nerf basketball competitions, I watched a lot of movies, tried to be a good sport with playing racketball, and basketball, but I just didn't feel into it hence that isolationism aspect.

Though this respite was for 45 days, I remember each moment, each person I met, having to watch myself break down, looking through a window of how I was behaving around other people. I had a lot of trouble really controlling my emotions, I had immense difficultly staying on task with school, due to the medication. I remember staying in solitary a few times due to my obtuse behavior.

When I wasn't in solitary, my grace were slurpee's, and traveling to places I hadn't been to. When these would come up, I would be on my best behavior. I wanted to see what was out there, a ski lodge, bowling alley, a roller skate ring, a couple movies. Entertainment and going out were funded by the hospital, as I later learned came out of my parents pocket.

But, the one caveat here is that I knew that something wasn't right with what I was going through, where I was living was the albatross, and I later had to make amends to that effect. What I am saying here is that medication doesn't have to be the end of anything, but a starting place of exploration, unfolding and evolving. In my next post I'll talk more about my second trial and error with medication. Thanks for reading.

B.

Medication - When It Can Help

Medication - When it can help

My story with medication goes like so: Thioridazine (Mellaril) in 1987 at 50mg a pop. Second attempt at medication was in 1994, it was suggested I take Lithium, and Paroxetine (Paxil), Instead I opted for the help of Bee Pollen, which at first was a strange concept but I'll elaborate on later. Next came Citalopram Hydrobromide (Celexa) 60mg Prozac family?, Bupropion (Wellbutrin) 150mg, Ziprasidone (Geodon) 25mg, Aripiprazole (Abilify) 10mg, and Venlafaxine Hydrochloride Extended-Release (Effexor XR) started at 100mg, then finished at 175mg.

That is a mind mouth full there to chew on. So, the gist goes like so, bipolar requires medication management because of fluctuation of mood, depression, and highs and lows. Sometimes though the crux of taking medication can also have dire health complications as I've been accustomed to experiencing, along with seeing with other survivors of the disorder.

I am not making the grand declaration that medication is not good, what I am saying is that physiology plays a big role in whether I can take stuff based on if it will agree with me. Because of my type a lot those medications didn't work because I couldn't function in a positive capacity.

I've opted to do alternative means because of the medication problem. St. Johns Wart, Bee Pollen were a couple options at first worked, but after a longer duration of time I became more moodier and crabbier to be around. I then stumbled upon Benadryl.

For whatever reason I could function (somewhat) but I'm in a constant stupor because of the drowsy side effect. But my body has decided to revolt on that front and now I'm in search for something that won't give me great issue, or major health side effects.

I would of liked to been part of a functional medication that doesn't rob me of my energy, creativity, and drive. A lot of my fears seemed to stem from losing that control, and having to keep being who I am. I found in my more established years that I've tempered my assessment of medication and it can be something to help when waves start compounding.

In the next few series of posts I'll be writing here my experiences, and what I've gleamed with my time with medication. Hopefully this will help you in some way. Thanks for reading.

B.

Good Days & Bad Days

Good Days & Bad Days Learning to live with and struggle through

I like to think I am a pretty resilient individual. Conflicts within my head argue a lot when there is distortion happening around me. It often makes me socially awkward to a point of being left of unusual and vocally combative.

I choose not to give reason or meaning to the motivations that drive me to push people away, or give announcement to my misgivings. Inside my head lays many roads. Some are complete, others are not. There are rock pillars floating, with trees, living elements of grace, tangibility, and potential. There are other pillars that have negative calculators, broken memories, and torrid spots of dark emotion stickers.

Each of these can give rise to good days, or bad days depending on how I awake in the morning, or how the day progresses. It used to be that I would languish with certain emotions, and feel each wave cascading over me.

I would be the would be prisoner, held in by my unsure way to broach forth, and would have thoughts of what if scenarios playing out. Later as I understood my disorder, I came to the river of knowledge knowing how to to mitigate and endure what I was feeling.

Lately, I ache more now than I used to. I keep trying to fight it, and its become a crutch taking anti-inflammatory to manage. Shoulder and elbow issues seem to ebb and flow depending on weather, but I become irate as it begins to shape how I will endure and react in the day. This is a new construction to what I'm already dealing with. It conflates my wistful idealism, and puts harsh tomes of reflection in my being in the day.

This becomes an emotional albatross brought out by physical pain. I understand age, and that human fragility. Surgery and repair often can be a long process back. A phone call or a text message that annoys me will begin to unravel my emotional threads.

Sometimes I get annoyed very quickly, or frustrated to a point that I have to self-check. Being mindful of how I project my attitude is always an ongoing work in progress. If I am not in the mood that will carry outwards. If I am feeling frustrated that will be visual as well. It is here I endure so I can teach others and guide those whom aren't at my stage into a path that gives clarity, and direction.

These are not grandeur a-b-c-type dreams, I've calmed my torrent of schemes, and directed my energy towards something I can attain and reach. Again there are good days, and not so good days here as well. Many reasonable goals involve expectations I push myself into. I try very diligently to be as careful in assessing, and observing than making obtuse blanket statements about frustrations I am going through.

I've worked on generalizing, keeping in mind that there are many other viewpoints. I've lessened my harsh critique of what people listen to, and affiliation they reside. I've learned to bottle my passions, but be mindful of the words I say. Having bipolar on a bad day doesn't give me the right to be venomous and vindictive. I have to endure, stay resilient, and patient with my emotions. As they will pass into something else.

I am an ocean of all energy coursing through my veins, my blood pumping, and my heart pounding keeps me alive. I am mindful of my breathing, and remembering to say to myself "It's going to be okay" over and over. That not everything is the end of the world.

It takes personal reflection to understand what and where I reside. In my previous post thinking critically has given rise to another set of issues too, and that is sometimes I can't wait, but reactive. But I am not that same person. For me it isn't always a two way street. There are components that I must research out. Knowing whether or not its the right course of action, or a waste of energy. I am learning how to pick my battles carefully, and methodically.

This goes on day to day. Situation to situation. I hope this makes sense in a clear way. Thanks for reading.

B.