Struggles & Priorieties: A Balancing Act

Struggles & Priorities: A Balancing Act


Prioritizing and struggling to maintain a cohesive balance with mental illness is something rarely addresses in recovery. There are a lots of traps out there. Addictions, chaos, unfamiliarity,  anxiety, changes, challenges of retaining emotional control, and boundaries are many good examples of how one can get sucked into old patterns.

Old patterns will die hard, and painfully. The more honest we are in our ongoing recovery, and how to throw away the chains that bind takes a lifetime. Don't let that scare you though, as this is going to be for the duration into the foreseeable future.

Priorities are what makes certain situations, tasks, and homework paramount for growth, and success. There is work, and there is time for play, a theme of prioritizing. But, there are struggles apparent with priorities because of unmet expectations of the self, or others, or unclear objectives that get clouded by miscommunication. Because lets face it humans by our very nature are emotional, conflicted, vocal, and aggressive creatures building on selfless or selfish needs.

Yet with communication, and having a good place to build upon each success takes patience, and trust of your situation (self). One of the common problems I've faced is expectation, because there is a whole lot of it out there. Where you might be okay with your situation, or recovery process, someone will often enter into the picture not by chance, but by manner of randomness. Its how we and our illness directs our recourse of mitigating that issue before it manifests into a larger problem.

Priorities are not the end but a process of living with and through mental illness. I can't count how many times I've chosen to recuse myself rather than just get through the event. There are going to be tasks you aren't going to like doing, and no matter the situation or feeling its just the way it is.

Whats broadcasted does influence some degree how priorities are made or kept, but there is a level of truth to which we must adhere towards with recovery and that is: we aren't the target, or the intended audience for that distortion. It brings up the point of the body image issues that young girls are subjected to as an example. But often it becomes an issue because of a taboo or societal conditioning that builds up this expectation.

Ultimately, prioritize what is important to you, if that means getting up, following a set routine then that is okay. I got to say that routines are not the bad guy either, it helps with recovery. Knowing what to expect (to some aspect), to follow your path and inner guidance is also useful. Never be afraid to try out new routines, as life is fluid and free to some extent.

So in this post remember that priorities are all over. Bills, rent, food, job, families, children, spouses, you get the idea. Thanks for reading.

B.

Making Decisions Triumph or Agony

Making Decisions Triumph or Agony

In this post I will be focusing on making decisions with bipolar (you can apply this to other aspects of mental illness as well).


Life is going to throw us curves in our straight and laid out streets. Make no mistake though, there are challenges to having to make decisions on the fly, and sometimes those can be excruciatingly difficult when choices have to be made, or when to weigh out pros and cons. There is a lot that goes into making critical decisions, firstly: why, second: how do I maintain, and three: longevity is it attainable?

Lets take the first comment why: this is a very forthright question as to the meaning and complexity that is taking place, in my situation having to move. As moving involves having all kinds of complex things such as setting up moving vehicles, changing addresses, phone numbers, re-routing or forwarding all mail to the next place, having to clean up prior location, you get the idea.

Its a lot to digest in a short period of time, let alone having to grasp the construction around pack up and then unpack. For those with bipolar this is an arduous task of compartmentalizing each component. The challenge here is sticking to a planned out routine, having all information at hand, and knowing the outcome will be benefiting. In my past, I would often forget these crucial steps, and often I would be thrust into very disastrous situations that would feed my cycling.

Second how do I maintain: this goes in hand with the first why component. Stick to a plan, be flexible, but don't deviate from the intended goal. A lot of this involves strategy, and as a video game player I know when and where to use certain strategies, and when to go with it. Its harder said than done, if your in a good place i.e. medication, having a good functionality and maintaining healthy outlets and boundaries this shouldn't be an issue.

Third longevity is it attainable: here is the high stakes prize. If one has researched where and what, figured out a safe and sound place to reside in coming to a good conclusion this won't take to long to evaluate. For myself if I have to go over certain elements to try and make sense of the 'what if' scenario then I'm already giving myself to much room for complications to arise.

If I don't feel or trust what I am about to get into, the decision will become a very laborious process for those around me. Thusly I'll talk ad nauseam about whether or not the outcome is right or wrong, and often this compounds my decision making process even further. I think with having bipolar it is far more difficult making confident decisions because we are often flighty in jumping head first into situations without thinking it through. In my case this derives from personal trust issues.

Everything in life involves making quick decisions, or having planned out logical decisions. Someone once told me that in order to have great decision making ability it takes experience, and confidence to feel strong in that conviction, and steadfastly follow through. Yet there are some decisions that were made which seem like its a win win, but later turn out to be bad decisions based on a slight miscalculation. No ones perfect, and we can't always account for every permutation, as I often over analyze each decision before committing, which in turn drives my family and friends crazy.

Anyways, I hope this post will give some insight into how mental illness can wreak havoc on fundamental living, and maneuvering when it comes to making decisions. Thanks for reading.

B.

Confidence - Building On Inner Strength

Confidence: Building On Inner Strength


One of the most conflicting aspects of bipolar and background is that depending where one has arrived, there are elements of personal acceptance, and weathering all types of tribulations, while attaining fluid situations with a positive construction.

Emotions play a major role in the flux of interchanging swings, and when one is not a place where they can know how to regulate there are moments when it feels impossible to get through. In regards to self-worth, and value, bipolar people are often conflicted within.

There are days where nothing can poke through the tough confident exterior, whereas there are days when it is Swiss cheese, and every doubt, question, and motivation seeps in. It is enough for the mental capacity to be in tattered debris.

I think in order to understand these parts, its absolutely important to know what personal boundaries are. Because I feel this is where the confidence aspect resides, plus having to understand where one resides in the world is paramount for individual recovery.

For me my bipolar tends to elicit a lot of self-doubt, questioning our whole purpose of existence, and frankly this is a negative viewpoint that does nothing but inhibits personsal potential. I'm not saying that doubt is counter productive,  there are means and ways doubt can help be a motivating factor, but again it is in how its being utilized, and for those with bipolar (like myself) this can undo a lot of successes in a manner fairly quickly.

Researching is very important. Understand what you can accomplish, and what you've completed. These are starting points for recognizing inner confidence. But, also remember that in order to have accomplishments there is a lot of inner work to get there. Your life is what you want it to be, and whatever skill set, and system you adhere to, place importance upon the need to regulate doubt, constantly give yourself positive reinforcements that mean something to you.

It will take time, patience, and forthright honesty. Once you remove elements that inhibit progress, take time to appreciate what you've survived through, because these are experiences you can teach can help others with. Thanks for reading.

B.

Changes - Are Not The End Of The World

Changes Are Not The End Of The World


In life we grow, we experience events, trauma's, graduations, birth of children, marriage, etc. The one thread which binds together these situations is change. Change is not a bad word. Change is a healthy means of moving into a new phase, place, and personal growth. Without change nothing moves, and things stay the same. It is up to us with disorders to acknowledge this function as a normal process to life.

But, change cannot be done with duress, or in a chaotic situation(s). Change is a slow, natural progression, not a speedy, or distortion laden to this process. The key component is the need to make sure that one is residing in a healthy place. Draw strength from bonds, and truth from relationships that are respectful of the boundaries we set.

Change is paramount in helping us seek out and experience what we need to learn, and grow from. It motivates me at a deep level because I reside in a place that is positive, and constructed with safe outlets I can go to, along with having good personal boundaries. 

There are two types of change, (1)outward what we see from the physical manifestations (seasons, age, buildings closing, streets renamed), whereas (2)internal is the feelings, knowledge, inner truths, and dialog we have within ourselves. There is absolutely nothing wrong feeling anxious for wanting something to be done, this is usually a knee jerk apparatus that hints at something within we haven't accepted yet. Which brings back the prior post about acceptance, this is so fundamentally important to have down first.

Change is where I think we gain insight, strength, and character. Bipolar and change are somewhat at odds as to whether trust, and go with the flow. For me I want it to be on my terms, and this is not always very productive. It takes a lot of strength for me to acknowledge when I'm in way over my head, and though I've become accustomed to evolving within, there are situations that often remind me of where I was, been, and what I was thinking. Thanks for reading.

B.


 

Relationships: Friends/Families/Partners

Relationships Friends/Families/Partners

In this post I am discussing relationships and bipolar. I think there isn't enough real concrete information that drives at the critical aspect of how bipolar individuals struggle with interpersonal relationships.


Since I have been in a ongoing work with my 'gift', there are enigmatic elements that haunt bipolar acceptance, along with functional discretion. Speaking from personal experience, the troubles and frustrations were often met with indifference, or a lack of understanding. I like to believe people have compassion, but in my travels this is something that is held differently from people I've met.

It affects you because there is a judgement. I cannot make this pretty, it is what it is. The key here is to mitigate as much of that negative distortion, and judgement as possible. I have been challenged on more than a few occasions, the thing I've learned to do is walk away.  Remember go in with an open heart, but be mindful, and listen.

In my background life was enduring chaos, dysfunction, and survivalism. This doesn't mean your situation will turn out like mine, the key thing here is to endure, weather, and be as patient as possible. I've survived with wit, and intuition. My social skills were elementary, as this would create very awkward situations. My interpersonal relationships weren't ever built on trust. Trust is a major component of relationships, that has to be a paramount construction to any situation, and this goes for mental disorders. Without it, one becomes a bitter, and cynical person hell bent on as much personal destruction.

Value the relationships that are meaningful, as there will be times that rough patches will be frequent, with bipolar especially, patience is crucial, and acceptance (very key here). If there is love, and respect, then one will be fine, otherwise, one has to build from nothing (like I did), and struggle with each step. Though I have built my current situation from nothing, and building on each successful endeavor or moment takes a lot of hard work, and immense inner strength.

One final thing I want to mention here, is with relationships, one cannot take things personal. Bipolar is often that ruse that enrages when a friend does not call back, or an appointment gets missed because of something, no matter, it is not meant to be taken personal. Don't. Situations happen, events take place, we can't control everything. Its a matter of just letting things be. Make a list of what peeves, and annoys, work on those components by letting go of preconceived ideas/notions. Thanks for reading.

B.

Cycles: Emotional Rollercoaster

Cycling: Emotional Rollercoaster


Cycling occurs because of randomness. The randomness which can be heightened by environmental  factors, behavioral constructs, and human conditioning. All of these lead into being reclusive, combative, argumentative, and often contradictory. With bipolar it is often very difficult to function in a cognitive manner. Typically within the hour,  one could be having thoughts about various systems, why things can't change, and then become weighted by the overwhelming emotional cascading, pity, apathy, anger, sadness, glumness, introspective, and projecting,

When cycling hits, everything is thrown into a chaotic permutation. Sleep patterns are wrecked, thoughts become broken clogs, and functioning (lets face it, just isn't happening). Cognitive awareness is often the first casualty with cycling. I call these events because they become broken bits of time pockets, blocked out by the emotional swing occurring. This leads into over elated sense of excitement, deep valleys of stress, major shifts of anger, tiny slivers of joy, and cascading waves of sadness that inculcate personal disposition.

As far as the thoughts portion, cycling can affect thoughts, for me they've bounced around like slippery ping pong balls, strewn every which way, or I would just hone in on one area and over analyze it to a point of ridiculousness. 

The key here with all of this is take one situation at a time. At first will seem kind of strange because undoing previous engrained behaviors takes time to unlearn. That its okay to take one moment as it arrives, rather than be overwhelmed with having to do fifteen things at once. We like to think we can do a lot of tasks at once, but truthfully details are going to get missed, and it makes sense to slow down.

The other key piece here is laugh. Bipolar is a very big thing, it can challenge the senses, reason, and inner belief. I have found that laughter, music, and animation are my go to healthy avenues when I am struggling. But, it takes constant work, and having an inner dialog that is trustworthy, and having the compassion to know that there will be good days, and not so good days. I've learned through my cycling that I embrace the challenges, but be extremely mindful of where they are going. I've used key tools in breaking patterns, and learned to accept what is rather than trying to change what I cannot. Thanks for reading.

B.

Incident To Incident: Remember How To Use Your Tools

Incident To Incident: Remember How To Use Your Tools
 
One of the most punishing elements of having Bipolar are the ongoing struggles one goes through. Its a matter of wit, tactility, planning, and an element of survival. For me I've had to ride out the situation going through the many kinds of distortions. Waves upon waves of interchangeable emotions, riding, cascading, while trying to maintain a consistent balance is a lot of work.

Through these waves one will have to endure many of the inclinations, thoughts, and emotions. What you feel is valid, what your experiencing is valid, and that absolutely no one can tell you that your wrong for having them. They are part of your growing, and overall acceptance. The key here is not to fight the disorder, but accept it for it it is, a pocket or life's little moment.

There have been days when so many thoughts rampage the mind, so focusing on any crucial or critical part can be an undertaking. But, I'm here to at least guide you through some of the challenges that will creep in.

Firstly, accept that this is the norm. There is nothing wrong with this statement. Its not the end of the world, and I have to say that this gives one a guiding aspect to clarity(somewhat). No matter the distortion, the key here is to separate from the situation. It takes some work, but having a detached aspect can help with the recovery, along with putting a very distant construction to the overall metaphor happening.

(example) Having gone through a rough patch with specific expectation, at the very core of functioning is directed in a manner that benefits one party. In my situation, I became upset over the boundaries that weren't established, and I was expected to make concessions to this fact. I respectfully declined to be part of the one sided discussion, and walked away.

Secondly, its okay to feel what you feel. I'm not validating the construction, or result of the situation, but ultimately, try to think of ways to ride through each single emotion in a manner that you can construct a positive foundation from. Through some inner speech, there is truth that you can arrive at in regards to what your feeling/thinking.

(example) With regards to the expectations, I realize that what I said had merit, that I was okay with feeling upset, but I chose to and utilized a skill with deflecting, and redirecting my energies toward something unrelated. I felt what I needed to, and then I chose to relax, and own my feeling. I am at a place where once I used the tool, I was confident with my execution.

Thirdly, and this is very important, that once a decision has been reached, commit to it, once you commit, that's it. Make it a motto that sticks, and work at it until it becomes second nature. Its a tool that I've found invaluable.

(example) There are times when a person feels slighted, that the first inclination is to get back at that person. With bipolar this so apparent, and no matter who has done what, it doesn't excuse the behavior in the first place. But, its ultimately how I chose to react to the situation, I chose to defuse, rather than completely rehash the same things over and over. Sometimes it does take a little time, but once I figured out what was happening, then I broke the knot binding me.

Each of these are simple tools, used in a calm, cool, collective manner. It shows how I've elicited self control over my emotional response to the situation, I own my behavior, and I've executed in a manner that is positive without being destructive. Thanks for reading.
B.