QoS: Quality Of Service

I don't like having to air personal business online. Yet in this case though, I've made this exception because I believe passionately that sharing what I've dealt with.

As it currently stands, those who have insurance either have to pay very high deductibles after being seen help, or have a type of insurance that no one wants to work with and suffer with a manageable illness.

I deduce that both insurance adjusters, and claims managers have no middle ground. Because of this I stand at a crossroads with a type of insurance that may or may not work.

A certain time frame is closing for mental health services i.e. revolving door as the temporary band aid will then be removed again, and I'll scamper and stagger about looking aloof trying to figure out what my next steps are going to be. In essence I've become a statistic with regards to state mandates within a bureaucratic mental health regulation.

Right now is crucial point for me because I take medication that helps enrich and balance my life. Without this medication I'd be in a very different situation, constantly struggling to maintain balance.

It is so important that medication management be beneficial for me, and not against me. There isn't a way keep tabs on or with my progress. There isn't any continued encouragement when it comes to consistent monitoring of medication management, and therapy long after being jettisoned from service.

So what happens when those options have been exhausted? In my case there are a few agencies that I can go to. All I can get at this stage is 6 months of service. Essentially its a Quality of Service problem, which may or may not help depending on the severity of illness.

In my case...I'm considered functional, to a point. But, I don't kid myself in anyway because I know when things can go off the rails. I also know when I'm just a statistic in a hurriedly rushed, and shuffled through a broken system.

It's tedious, and again I go through the same system because of Quality of Service i.e. choices for what I can get is very limited. I equate it to going through a revolving door. I get cataloged, studied, and rehabilitated which means I've been marked a success and out I go. I don't like this one bit. Not. At. All.

For those of us who've had to endure a lot with mental illness, I've paid dearly with my life through a hellish, and corrupt institutional system. Some of belies a bigger problem of dollar signs when it comes to patients in need of service. Its a wonder anything functions when there is so much bureaucracy with mental illness.

With medication management I've been shuffled through one agency to the next. From psych medication subscriber then handed off to a family practitioner. Neither seemed interested in fixing this clog. There isn't a lot of communication between agencies. Which belies another problem with keeping tabs on those of us doing the work.

Having gone through this process many, many times, I am angry my voice as my own advocate has become wasted in red tape. I've learned that illness should not and cannot have bandaids, life affords me the opportunity to learn from, and to have a sounding board to give clarity (when there isn't), reason, and explanation to the thoughts and feelings I have.

I am and will always be in recovery. I just wished that when it came to monitoring those who go through the hoops of finding and maintaining balance, that they are not forgotten in the mire of survival success. Thanks for reading.

B.

The Joys and follies of mental health services II

When a person needs help they usually are at their wits end.

Something hasn't worked, and knowing that something needs to change, involves seeking out mental health services in order to start the recovery process.

I am no different.

Though I've been through many iterations of the intake process, having to tell my story, (usually numerous times because of insurance QoS, non responsive intake specialists, etc) there is a rough element to the whole endeavor.

You feel like a rushed piece of meat.

Its a cold, and unfriendly place to be.

The reality of what was has now morphed into a kind of collage of verbal grafeti.

Sometimes there are no answers to the riddles of pain, and anguish we deal with.


Yet the struggle for balance is never there.

When you deal with a state run, budget restrained, and bureaucracy, one can't help notice the workload, stress placed on a very overly burdened system, mostly on a state level.

There are some agencies who use a implicit tactic of six months and off you go.

Yet for some this isn't always a great idea.

Back through the door one will go, in a revolving door mechanic, often being told to find a primary care physician, which with certain insurances is not possible, even with the change of recent years.

Some offices flat out refuse to deal with it, and turn people away because of it.

It is extremely frustrating to be told to immediately find something but not have any way to get the results they want.

Being shuffled from one situation to another doesn't help either.

I kind of wonder if it really has been this way.

Otherwise, its the same routine, six months of service and out the door, and back through again.

Kind of gets old.


B.

Mental Health Awarness

May is here.

Life clicks on.

Yet, there is always a need to put a stamp on our existence as it means something worthwhile.

This is the month of Mental Health Awareness.

I would even say that every month needs to be Mental Health Awareness, but I digress.

In this month I will do my part in teaching, explaining, and setting an example with my mental health.

My Bipolar I own and though I have to keep things on a professional level, it is important to share it.

It is about the lessons learned, and the importance on recovery, hope, and resiliency. (Sunrise)

There are no easy roads with mental illness.

Those who say it is haven't experienced true debilitating mental illness.

Lets not have more damage.

Lets focus on the positive strengths of pulling through.

Lets learn to forgive our weaknesses.

I will help in using our humility as means to share in recovery.

Thanks for reading.

B.

The Joys and Follies of Mental Health Services

The Joys and Follies of Mental Health Services

I have been a survivor of mental health services close to 20 years. In those twenty years there have been sizable frustrations with finding, and keeping service that gives not just a foundation in my recovery but an overall necessity for longevity.

In recent weeks I had to relocate. I am like anyone else when it comes to tribulations of life, and though I am still here, I've persevered due to my ability in working with Changes, and not trying to overwhelm myself with trivial things (which was very hard).

As getting acclimated to the new surroundings, I've noticed some very curt, and abrupt people in my travels. If there is a apropo term to describe what I am going through it is thus: night/day, east/west, and never shall any ever meet in anyway shape or form.

There is a very strong presence of religion everywhere, though I don't subscribe to it, I am acutely aware of its fingers. My time in Ogden has proven to be a great beacon of what not to do, or say. Where I lived before I had freedom to say what I wanted without any worry, now I am not so sure.

Anyways, getting back on point, the fact I had to suspend what I was already doing in another location, and start something completely new reminds me of another carrier that has this same precept of a disorganized, and chaotic institution. As I have already been seeking out a family doctor, both pain management and medication will not work with this agency.

Part of my frustration here is the six month trial for 'getting better' or as I've been so eloquent to say is like putting a band aid on a disorder that has many peaks, valleys, and crevices.

Uh, firstly there is no such thing as getting better, it is a process that takes time, working through various therapy strategies as the need to highlight outside of the actual meetings, and one-on-one sessions is considered therapy by this agency dutifully concerns me.

Another point to consider in my observations, this agency specifically states that any long term mental health work in long durations is considered a 'crutch' or an abuse of the system. Very weird considering how much I've written about needing this for the real disadvantaged.

What I do know is feeling counter productive if the community is more driven by taking calculated steps to cut off rather than be connected to those work on their own issues i.e. in great need. Just my observations about what I saw today.

B.

Medication V: Trying Lithium

Medication V: Trying Lithium


Late September 2013

So a week into my new venture of Lithium, a couple of things are pronounce. The fact yes there is cotton mouth, dry mouth is apparent. Though I do enough to drink plenty of liquids because of kidney stones, this hasn't been as worrisome as I would have expected it to be.

The drawback though is that it takes a little longer for me to unwind, but this I think is attributed to environmental stuff. Otherwise when stresses are pronounce I am able to keep level and modulate through the stress keeping in line with the construction of the 12 step program.

The other aspect is having to compete with making sure I follow a system. Specific routines have to be followed, hallmark in recovery. As time progresses I am at least hopeful this will translate into something substantial. There are a lot of things afoot.

*Update 1* October 2013

After spending sometime with Lithium, all I can say is my teeth hurt, there are some sizable acne, and various aches associated with joint, and muscle twitching. I feel calm, not out of the ordinary, but I am more-or-less not being melancholy yet that is hard with the seasonal change.

I am a lot more aware of the time, as I am feeling like things are slowed down to a point. But I am still dealing with the internal battle with my mind, and the fissures of feeling like I need to answer to someones expectation. This is a hard and engrained behavior that will take some work from me to break. I answer only to myself, and what I do not the other way around.

With taking Lithium I am very aware of the weight situation. So I am doing my best to limit what I eat in regards to sugars, more vegetables, fruits, and water. Working out isn't going to be something I am going to be doing, but walking, and biking are as close to what I can do to mitigate the onset.

As it gets closer to winter, some mild form of yoga is in store. This is what I must do to keep active.

*Update 2 November 2013*

In this updated post I had to change my medication time because of the up all night component. There is still dry mouth, now I have various acne forming. My skin feels cold at times, I also sweat more than usual. Thoughts come and go, but the main component is sticking to a routine.

I have to say that I do feel a big burden of time crushing me. There are good days, and then there are some pretty profoundly difficult days. Mitigating them takes inner strength, and using skills to get 'through' the waves.

Reality versus what I want are two different area codes I am still struggling with. Lithium has given me a bit of a blanket to waver through, but I still feel uneasy with my processing, and what I want to be doing with my time. Which are two different places that I cannot seem to get to co-exist in the same place. Which is odd, but this is my form of bipolar. Very strange to see how this has affected my life. I can only imagine how I have treated people with my bipolar in the 'all or nothing' situation.

Some serious food for thought, as I work through the Al Anon 12 step recovery with Bipolar skills. Thanks for reading.

B.

Waves & More Waves: Bipolar Spectrum

Waves & More Waves:  Bipolar Spectrum

Knowing the waves will come, and knowing how to work within the guidelines of the self.

For many bipolar is a ever crossing eave of destruction or pliable elation. Between these points are divots that can and will divert and plateau.

It is knowing when and where to step behind the (self) screen and acknowledge that these are the framework to the peaks and valleys of bipolar.

For me these represent two diametrically opposite points of view. In my younger days I was languishing, bearing my ferocious teeth in anger, displacing a lot of pent of energy upon myself, and those around me.

As I would later deconstruct, my anger became a coping mechanism brought out by protecting me from caustic, and dysfunctional situations. The energy component involved a lot of self damage. Running into objects, hurting, hitting, cutting, trying to find ways to feel alive as to dull the onslaught of deep emotional pain. I incurred major bouts of isolation from my peers, family, from that result bore a kind of social retardation.

As I got older and settled into my groove as it were, a lot the construction leveled out from various outside factors I couldn't control, situations that I didn't feel connected with, and the obvious self idling. I started to fracture and then I begin unraveling. In another post I describe how these situations will manifest, yet here I break it down into a more concrete way.

Whether or not the traction was positive or negative, the metrics of those results bore a lot of applicable frustration, mental perception notwithstanding why me why now, and a kind of implied social and individual torment.

As I grew into my bipolar I had to acknowledge how not to fall into these traps. Firstly I had to walk beside my emotions, analyze them, break them down into what I was experiencing. I then had to rework my understanding and reintegrate back into a kind of normal life.

I had to ply away from the knee jerk assessment or the intrepidity of my ego. Again environment has played a huge role in how I manage with bipolar, other times it is permutations of whether or not something works or doesn't. I wouldn't adhere to the luck of the draw, but I will acknowledge that there aspects I cannot control and I must let things be.

I learned how to walk away from the negative, and embrace a truth, and realism. There are challenges to my processes, yet I understood then that I can't allow myself to be swayed by my emotion, I had to take the tact of separation (watching the situation as it is, rather than what I think it is).

This takes considerable amount of practice. This has taken years of fine tuning, going through repetition, and making time to mend and heal from solitude into what I am now. Though I am not perfect, I accept what is rather than what isn't.

Seeing the waves come before they hit helps me understand how to get through the episodes. Sure medication helps, yet I elected a more strict point: accept and ride through. There are good days, and not so good days. Some waves are marginal, where others are gigantic mountains with wild ravenous animals waiting to attack.

Stepping aside from the steep cliffs that will spring up, I learned to acknowledge them, accept them, and embrace them without feeling overwhelmingly despondent. I hope this helps, thanks for reading.


B.

Medication IV: Test Subject

Medication IV: Test Subject

There I was in the fall of 1998 getting acclimated to a new agency. Fine tuning many of my more curious behavioral issues, and my mental state clamoring over finite issues. I would start out on Celexa, and then started taking Welbutrin in conjunction with Celexa.


When I started Celexa, I had numerous stomach problems. I was already having occasional kidney twinge pains from passing (3) kidney stones. Part of it stemmed from my Mountain Dew beverage intake (I thought), but once I started taking Celexa I had very bad stomach pains, and I taking many pit stops, a lot.

Then it was suggested that I take Welbutrin for sleeping and mood stabilization. Which at first was okay, but the Celexa medication was starting to wreck havoc on my sleep schedule. My relationship situation was very much weighted upon me trying to stay busy, where there wasn't whole lot going on. Which I think contributed to my problems integrating.

I took Celexa 25mg twice a day one in the morning and one at night. Welbutrin was 150mg once a day in the morning, which put me in sleep mode. I was smoking (at that time), so I was wondering if that contributed to my issues.

Then I took a break after 2002. I would pick up again with the medication option in 2005 because I was idling, getting back into that funk of sorts, as I could not pull myself through it. I was introduced to Geodon at 5mg which made me very lethargic, foggy, and grumpy. I then moved into Zypresidone for sleeping, as I got into another relationship, and I was night owl.

Then I got into Effexor XL 75mg (start) highest 175mg. At first seemed okay, but then I was having anxiety problems, I was stressed more, and I began to do damage to myself as I had no self control of my emotions. Due to a change living arrangements, this medication was promptly discontinued as per nurse practitioner.

Then came Lamictal 2mg. I was a full on rage mode. I couldn't sleep. I was very irritated. This medication lasted a week as it was wreaking havoc with people around me. I would promptly put the brakes on the medication for six months.

Once I started on my next journey, I was always busy. I couldn't really relax enough to find time to sleep. So I was given Seroquel 25mg for sleeping. At first worked great, but after awhile my head felt drippy. Nothing seemed to motivate me to pull out of the funk. I promptly stopped taking that after third month. I didn't like how I was feeling.

Then I moved into Benadryl. Three times a day, though it made me drowsy, I could at least function (somewhat). Though I would have the ups and downs with the cycling aspect, I was able to distance myself enough that I could maintain. I had to cut out the smoking, because this wasn't helping my cascading waves. On March 13th 2009, I quit smoking. So I literally was starting over with removing a ingrained addiction.

I've tempered my assessment to medication management. It is there to help, and keep some kind of balance. The key is finding the right combination. I'm still trying, but I'm wary and tired from the experiences.

I'm very private in my suffering and this kind of alludes a new kind of unease that I wasn't geared to accepting. Though I feel older, I feel robbed of a lot of great potential things, but I feel like punching the invisible wall for saying it. Frustrated isn't really going to solve what I feel somewhat.

I elected to do this on my own. To try and see if I could find my way through my tribulations. It has been difficult. In all of my attempts, something has yet to give me clarity, and guidance. I often wonder how long this will go on. As I'm not sure I can endure another tribulation of medication trials. Thanks for reading.

B.